Slapstick in…

THE REAL HULKBUSTERS

By Tobias Christopher

New York

Steve Harmon was sleeping on his family’s couch, dreaming of moon pies and Winnebagos when the whack of a newspaper hit his head, bolting the young man awake. “Don’t touch me there, Vince Vaughn!” shouted Steve as he sat up, seeing the stern face of his father standing over him. “I’ve got to stop eating peanut butter, marshmallow and jelly covered pizza before I sleep. I’ll start eating it after. ‘Sup?”

“Steve, your mother and I need to talk to you about something,” said Mr. Harmon as his parents sat down. “You’re out of high school now and we feel that it’s time you got a job.”

“I do have a job,” Steve told them. “I bring joy and laughter to this household.”

“We meant a job that pays money and gets you out of the house,” Mr. Harmon told him. “We don’t mind you living here now that you’ve graduated, but you’re going to have to start paying rent.”

“Rent?” asked Steve as he swallowed hard. “Seriously? Can’t I just chase off the Jehovah’s Witnesses with fire like the family across the street and earn my keep that way?”

“We’ll give you some time to find work, but you need to get going to find a career,” said Mr. Harmon as he stood up with Steve’s mother. He tossed the want ads onto his son’s lap. “Good luck.”

As they walked away, Steve leaned back against the couch. He already had a full time job as a superhero, his parents just didn’t know about it. Too bad that didn’t bring in the cash. Or could it? Flipping through the pages, Steve saw the news story about the Hulk’s recent adventure in Seattle.

“The Hulk’s wanted,” Steve said with a smirk. “If I could bring the Hulk in, that’d probably set me for life. That could be my job…Super-Hero Bounty Hunter!”

Steve jumped up and reached into his pockets as he prepared to transform into his alter ego, Slapstick. He pulled out two white gloves and clapped his hands together.

“Klattu! Baratta! Nikto!”

In a flash of light, Steve’s body became rubbery and animated. A blue, black and red costume appeared on his body as his hair went purple and his face became pale and chalk white, while his eyes turned yellow. Slapstick looked at his watch as soon as the transformation had finished.

“FINALLY!” Slapstick shouted to whoever was within listening distance. “Ten years of Marvel Omega and I’m just NOW making an appearance? Well, if you think I’m just going to start playing in this sandbox now, you’ve got another thing – hey, what’s this?”

Slapstick picked up the paper and looked at the Hulk story. “Well, I could do worse for my first crossover.”

A knock came at the door as Aunt May stood there, with a fresh stack of wheat cakes. “Or not.”

Slapstick slammed the door as he took a heroic pose. “Now I go to bust the Hulk!”

The theme from ‘Ghostbusters’ started as the Hulk was strolling down the street, avoiding trash cans as he walked along. Taking a giant step, he jumped before being hit by a ‘No Hulk’ logo.

HULKBUSTERS!

There’s something green, in your neighborhood! Who you gonna call?

HULKBUSTERS!

Mesa City, New Mexico

The door to the small restaurant burst open as Slapstick walked in, dressed just like Dog the Bounty Hunter. The first step to tracking down the Hulk was by talking to his best friend, one Rick Jones, whom Slapstick had traced to the small restaurant.

“Are you the owner of this place?” asked Slapstick as he walked up to the counter, where a middle aged Hispanic man was standing over the grill.

“I am Rio, proud owner of Rio’s Ranchero,” said the man as he looked the young hero over. “You look so pale and thin, you need to eat!”

“Actually I always look like – ” Slapstick started to say as Rio started shoving burgers into his mouth.

“Let my delicious food heal you!” Rio said as he grabbed a plate of chicken wings. “This is my grandmother’s special recipe.”

Rio kept shoveling food into Slapstick’s mouth for several minutes. After he was finished, Slapstick’s stomach had ballooned out as he sat on the stool. Reaching down to his belt buckle, he pressed it as a flushing sound was heard from inside his stomach, causing it to shrink back down to normal size.

“I’m looking for Rick Jones, have you seen him?” asked Slapstick as Rio pointed to one of the booths.

“That’s him over there. He’s one of my best customers,” said Rio. “He also needs to eat, as he is skinny and frail too.”

Slapstick rushed over to the booth and looked at the man sitting there. He was tall, wearing cowboy clothes, boots and a brown cowboy hat. He had shoulder length blonde hair that looked like it came straight out of the 80’s. Reaching into his pocket, Slapstick pulled out a picture of the brunette Rick Jones who was often seen alongside various heroes.

Looking down at the picture, Slapstick looked up at the cowboy, then back to the picture. Then he looked back up at the cowboy and back to the picture. This process carried on for about 45 seconds before Slapstick realized that something was wrong.

“Wait a minute,” said Slapstick as he pulled out a black marker. He drew an eyepatch and a moustache onto the picture. “It all makes sense now!”

“Can I help you?” asked the blonde man.

“I’m looking for Rick Jones,” Slapstick told him with a raised eyebrow.

“That’s me,” replied the young man.

“The Rick Jones I’m looking for hangs out with the Hulk and other superheroes,” Slapstick said, his eyebrow rising higher; eventually it rose right up off of his head. “Darnit! Hey, you, get back here!”

The eyebrow gave him a raspberry as Slapstick grabbed a hold of it. As he pulled it out of the air, a sound like ripping Velcro was heard as he reattached it to his face.

“Sorry, buckaroo, I’ve never met a superhero in my life,” the cowboy replied. “Well, except that time I met Mr. T. That was one of the greatest days of my life.”

“Well, this has been a waste of a trip,” said Slapstick as he leaned back against the wall. “I got dressed up in this S&M bounty hunting gear for nothing. Or maybe not. I can have my own Rick Jones to sidekick for me!”

“I don’t know,” the cowboy told him. “What’s the pay?”

“All the moon pies you can eat, and you’ll get to help me annoy big time super heroes!” Slapstick told him.

“Well, I do like moon pies,” said Rick as he thought about it.

“Weird clown faced man, look at this!” Rio said as he pointed to the TV. Slapstick and Rick came closer to see that the Hulk had been spotted in Black Mesa.

A bearded man in a blue blazer stood in front of a TV camera as it started rolling, putting him on the air. “Hello, this is your action news reporter, with all the news that is news all across the nation. On the scene in Black Mesa, New Mexico, where there seems to have to been some kind of disturbance. Pardon me sir, did you see what happened?”

The reporter approached a man in a flannel shirt and overalls, with a yellow cap who looked to be visiting from the countryside. “Yeah, I did. I was just standing over thar, next to the melons,” the man pointed to fruit cart filled with watermelons, and the two busty girls standing right next to it. “When here he comes, running through the street, almost naked as a jade jaybird. Ethyl’s standing over there, looking through the melons when I shouted DON’T LOOK, ETHYL! But it was too late…she done got a look at the Hulk’s jolly green giant.”

“That’s not far from here,” Rick said as he looked at Slapstick. “We can take my truck!”

“Why take a truck when we get there in a more comedic fashion?” asked Slapstick with a serial-killer-like smile on his face.

Shortly

Slapstick and Rick Jones rode into Black Mesa while riding a pair of emus.

“Where did you get these emus?” asked Rick, holding onto his cowboy hat.

“I keep them in my pocket in case of emergencies,” Slapstick told him. “I was going to use the rhino, but that would have been too flashy. Now we just have to find the Hulk and capture him, then turn him in for a nice, big reward.”

“You mean that Hulk?” asked Rick as he pointed toward a large battle.

(*Check out the Incredible Hulk #19 to see what Rick’s pointing at, because that issue’s unreleased at the time of this issue’s production)

“Well –,” Slapstick said as he struggled to find the right word to sum up the situation. “Crap. I didn’t expect the Hulk to be so… hulkish. There’s no way I’d get him to fit inside this Ziploc container I brought with me.” Slapstick motioned behind him, where the emu was pulling a large, human sized plastic container.

“You were going to put the Hulk in that?” asked Rick.

“How do you store your super-powered menaces? I have to keep him fresh,” Slapstick replied. “Well, I guess Hulkbusting turned out to be… well, a bust. What do you want to do now, sidekick?”

“Well, I hear the Punisher was sighted in California,” Rick told him. “I reckon’ there’s a pretty big reward for that one.”

“To California!” Slapstick shouted.

“How do we get to California?” asked Rick as he saw the same serial killer smile Slapstick flashed before. Five minutes, and one human sized slingshot later. “You know, I’m starting to rethink this career path.”

“Slapstick, AWAY!” shouted the hero as he cut the cord, launching the two into the distance.