Deadpool

Tokyo

See the guy who’s on fire and flying through the air, looking really pissed off? Yeah, he’s not the hero. Well…actually he is. His name’s Shiro Yoshida, but he goes by the oh-so-creative name of Sunfire (isn’t that redundant?). He’s Japan’s national hero. He was an X-Man for like, five minutes. Then he got his legs cut off and was transformed into a Horseman of Apocalypse.

…what?

Oh right…that’s after our cut-off. So anyway, he was never a Horseman. But he was an Avenger. I know that because one of the guys who wrote that said he doesn’t understand why people like me so much. To which my response is: people like me?! More than a little? That’s awesome!

…huh?

Oh…never mind about that Avenger stuff. Seems that was somewhere else. It’s impossible to keep track of all these Marvel sites. Consolidate, dammit!

Anyway, yeah, that’s Sunfire. So who am I? I’m the dude running away screaming and crying like a little girl strategically retreating. See, I know better than to mix it up with a mutant who has the power of the sun. So why am I here, you might ask?

…I may have accepted a job that might have involved…in some small way…possibly ending his life somehow…preferably in an extremely graphic, Takashi Miike* kinda way.

[[ *Look ‘im up, you uncultured pleebs! You’ll thank me later! ]]

I had the drop on him, had him dead to rights. Got him covered in this flame-retarded chemical (I think that’s what it’s called) and had both my guns aimed right at his head. So I pull the trigger and then…

…blanks.

Courtesy of my roommate/landlord/former prisoner Blind Alfred (I call her Al for short). I refused to give her a foot massage and she said I was gonna regret it. And as her funny little prank, she replaced my bullets with blanks.

Although how she was able to do it so quickly when she’s blind is something I’ll never figure out. So this’ll be one’a them…whaddaya call it…No-Prizes! Yeah, seems like a cool way to include the readers, but really, it’s just our way of covering our asses for being sloppy. And you stupid fanboys eat it up because you’d kill your mother over something Stan Lee wiped his ass with.

…in fact, I think you did. It was called Stripperella. Although I have to admit, I used it to wipe my…

…I’ve just been handed an urgent cable, apparently. “Deadpool. Stop. Your breaking of the fourth wall has gotten out of control. Stop. Get back to the main story. Stop. Please avoid any graphic depictions of anything too sexual. Stop. No one wants to picture you that way. Stop.

“Sincerely, the Management.

“P.S. In case you haven’t realized it by now, CUT THE SHIT OUT AND GET BACK TO THE STORY!”

TOKYO SUCKERPUNCH

Part II

By Dino Pollard

“Okay Sunny, let’s see how good you are at chasing a guy who can teleport!”

I reached down for my teleporter and hit the switch. It made a noise like it fizzled out and I cursed under my mask. Friggin’ thing is always on the fritz when I need it! Can’t you lazy-ass writers think of a better way to heighten the tension?

I ran for the edge of the rooftop, reaching into one of the many compartments on my belt (thank you, Liefeld). I pulled out a grappling hook with my face on the end and threw it to the building across the street. I swung from it, thinking this would be simple. As I swung through Tokyo, I could hear Japanese people shouting as they pointed at me.

“MITTE! SUPAIDAMAN DESU!!”

“IIE! DEASUSUTOROKU DESU!!”

Whatever the hell that means.

[[ First one means, “Look! It’s Spider-Man!!” The second one is, “No! It’s Deathstroke!!” ]]

I have a feeling you’re going to get really annoying, omniscient narrator.

[[ Fuck you. ]]

I swung towards a building, wondering how Spider-Man makes this so easy. And then I realized he uses more than one web. Me, I just have the one grappling hook, which means you can only swing back and forth, so it’s not good for getting away.

I crashed through the window and landed on a table lined with beer glasses. Japanese college students backed off and I pulled myself up, looking around. Closed room, closed door, dim lights, big-screen TV, lots of booze, lots of couches, microphones…

“…is this a porno set?” I asked. “If so, where’s all the kinky shit?”

I looked at the TV again and saw words on it being highlighted one by one. And that’s when I heard the music and I finally put two and two together and found out that they made five.

[[ …that’s four. ]]

So I flunked math.

“Heeeey, this is a karaoke place, isn’t it? I’ve always wanted to go to one of these things! Do they have Love Shack?”

The people in the room shrieked in horror and ran for the door.

“What? You guys not down with the B-52s? Kids these days, no appreciation for the class—”

I looked out the broken window and saw a motorcycle coming right towards me. Looks like it had come from the building across the street. That didn’t look too good. And it was probably the source of the screaming. Because let’s face it, everyone loves the B-52s.

I jumped back as the motorcycle crashed inside the room. It was pink and white and so was the outfit worn by the driver. A driver who had nice boobs. And a pretty nice figure. And had a motorcycle helmet with cat ears on it.

She raised the visor and sure enough, it was a cute Japanese chick. She reached behind her back and drew a katana sword. I’ve been in Japan five minutes and already I’ve met a cutesy, sword-wielding biker chick.

“*giggle* It makes happy vivisection time!”

“…I think I love you,” I said.

She lunged forward, bringing her sword down and chopping off my arm. I looked at the stump and watched as it began to grow back. With my good hand, I drew my own sword and blocked her next attack.

“In comfortable feelings it fight!”

Our swords met again with a loud clang. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so turned on as I was fighting for my life.”

“It head me have!”

“I’d like some hea—”

[[ WADE!! ]]

Geez, you’re such a prude.

“Listen babe, I’m all for foreplay, but this is ridiculous,” I said. “Whaddaya say we just chill here, have some beer, and make sweet, hot monkey love to the hits of the 80s?”

“YOUR DEATH I AM BEING!!”

She reached behind her back and drew a short sword. She leapt forward and jammed it into my throat, tearing it to the side so blood began spurting out like in that Tarantino flick. I fell to my knees, gagging on my own blood. Every time I tried to speak, all that came out was gargling noises.

[[ PRAISE JESUS! ]]

Shaddup.

I reached for my teleporter, praying the writer wouldn’t be doing the lazy thing this time and luckily, it worked. I found myself on the sidewalk at street level, my throat beginning to knit itself back together and my arm had fully grown back by now, too. I heard the sound of a motorcycle and groaned.

“Look babe, I think we started off on the wrong foo—”

When I turned, I didn’t see the cutesy chick in pink with a kitty helmet. Now I saw a cutesy chick in blue with a bunny helmet. She raised the visor up and winked at me as well, then raised an Uzi and pointed it at me.

“You gotta be kidding…”

“YOUR PERFORATION I AM LOVING!”

BRATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA

The bullets tore through my body, turning my costume into swiss cheese and making me look not-so-acceptable in polite society (not that I would be normally, but…y’know). And then I heard the roar of another motorcycle and looked up to see the kitty-helmet girl descending down on me.

“IT MAKES BLOODSTAIN!”

A fireball came out of nowhere and struck the motorcycle, the force sending the girl flying off it as it exploded. She landed a few feet away and bunny girl made a surprised anime face (no really, she did!).

“NEKO-CHAN!” she shouted and ran over to her. She helped the girl up. “Daijoubu desu ka?”

The kitty girl nodded. “NO OVER!” shouted the bunny. The kitty climbed on the back of her bike and the two of them sped off, leaving me wondering…

“Look, I hate to look a gift fireball in the mouth—actually that does sound like a pretty bad idea—but what just happened?”

“I happened, Wilson.”

Sunfire descended from the sky, lowering himself to my level. “Neko and Usagi, two of Japan’s deadliest assassins.”

“Also cutest,” I said. “Hey, how do you say ‘threesome’ in Japanese?”

“We need to talk,” he said.

“…are you breaking up with me? Look, if this is because I haven’t introduced you to my mother yet, I told you! It’s not because you’re Asian, it’s because you’re on fire! She’s a pyro-phobe, so we gotta ease her into this gently.”

“Wilson, if you don’t shut up right this moment, we’re going to discover if you can regenerate from a charred skeleton.”

“Actually, there’s a funny story behind that…” I looked at Sunfire and saw his eyes burning even brighter than usual (if that’s possible). “…y’know what, you’re probably not interested. So what are we gonna talk about?”

“Why the Yakuza has set you up. Come.” His flames subsided and he turned back to normal and started to walk down the street.

“Oh that.” I paused before following him, thinking about what he just said. “…wait, why does the Yakuza want me dead?”

“My initial guess?” asked Sunfire as he stopped to face me. “They’ve spent ten minutes with you.”

“…nah, that can’t be it,” I said. “So we’ll go talk about this and we’ll figure it out and then we’ll join forces, right? A good old-fashioned team-up! …hey, that gives me a great idea! What do you think about changing the name of this book to Deadpool Team-Up?”

“…what are you talking about, Wilson?”

“On second thought, never mind, the dibs would be a nightmare.”

“What is a ‘dib?’”

“Forget it, even if I explained it, you’d think I was crazy.”

“I already think you’re crazy.”

“Good point.”

Okay, now that we’ve got the boring plot-related stuff (no matter how thin it may be) outta the way, let’s have a chat. See last issue, I was about to tell you why I decided to betray Weapon Plus. Except we were already a thousand words into the story so we kinda had to get moving and I promised I’d do it this issue.

So get ready, kids! Because it’s time for another SUPER HAPPY FLASHBACK TIME!™

Now cue transvestites singing “Let’s Do The Time Warp Again!”

[[ Wade…we told you we can’t do that. ]]

What? Why not?

[[ Copyright infringement. ]]

Oh for the love of…! Y’know, pretty soon, I’m gonna take out this Captain Infringement guy…*

*See kids? That’s what we call foreshadowing! Tell your friends, you’ll look smart! …or you’ll get your ass kicked for being such a nerd.

Weapon Plus Compound
Some Time Ago

“Oh Bea Arthur…is there any way you could be less sexy?”

Deadpool sat on his cot in his quarters, right in the middle of a Golden Girls marathon. He felt the touch of cold steel against the back of his scarred head and the point of a dagger against his throat.

“If you make one sound, I will kill you. Do you understand?”

The voice was female and laced with a Russian accent. Wade paused and tried to consider how he should acknowledge that he did, in fact, understand.

“Well?”

“…does saying yes count as making a sound?”

The butt of the gun slammed against the back of his skull. “Ow! Dammit!” Wade turned and saw himself staring into the face of Yelena Belova, his fellow Weapon Plus teammate also known as the Black Widow.

“Hey, From Russia With Love!”

The Black Widow rolled her eyes. “Wilson, I want you to listen to me very carefully. I know how Weapon Plus has blackmailed you. I also know that you are the only one they are forcing to work with them. The rest of the team came willingly.”

“Why are you telling me this?” asked Wade.

“Because I am here to make you a better offer,” said the Black Widow. “If you help me bring down Eva and her team, I will see to it that you are set free.”

“No can do,” said Wade, turning away.

“What? Do you mean you like living like this?”

“Of course not, but they got Terry, you stupid, leather-clad…push-up bra-wearing…bare midriff-sporting…pouty lips…domineering…chains-and-whips-and-handcuffs-having…hips don’t lie…umm…uhh…what was I saying?”

“You mentioned Terry,” said the Black Widow.

“Right! They got Terry, okay?” said Wade. “Infected her with little robots or something. And they said if I don’t work for them, they’ll use them to torture her. And I can’t do that.”

“Terry…you mean Theresa Rourke?”

“How many other Terrys you know?”

“Actually I don’t know her that well, but I know her father,” said the Black Widow.

“…what?”

“Sean Cassidy and I are both with Interpol. I captured Belova and impersonated her in this unit to bring it down from the inside. But I need your help.”

“And if I help you, I get to go free and Terry gets fixed up?”

The Black Widow nodded.

“Where do I sign, gorgeous?”

So there you have it, the story of why I decided to break free from Weapon Plus and how I got help doing it. And if you wanna see the actual bit, then go read the last issue ofX-Corps. Or don’t, because I really couldn’t care less.

The point is, that’s how we got here. And…umm…

Well damn, looks like it’s time to end this issue. So we’ll pick up where we left off from this time, when Sunny and I figure out why the Yakuza got me into a trap where I’d be killed. So instead, be here next time! Same Dead-Time, same Dead-Channel!

…okay, so that doesn’t make sense when you’re talking about fanfic. But who asked you anyway?

NEXT: Who did ask you? Why does the Yakuza want Wade dead? Why is Sunfire even willing to help Wade? Why do we ask you questions in the next issue blurbs? It’s not like you know. And can you believe it’s not butter? Because we sure can’t.

THE DEAD ZONE

Would you believe people actually commented on this piece of shit? I know, I’m surprised, too. Just goes to show you, there is definitely no accounting for taste. First off, we got comments from Scott Redmond.

Lately Marvel’s Deadpool titles haven’t been very funny or entertaining to me. The jokes just sort of fall flat and such.

It’s ’cause Marvel doesn’t realize the funniest thing about them is what a joke they’ve become! Ba-dump-ching! Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitresses.

But this issue…if I wasn’t witting out in the living room with my parents (while they watch a movie), I would have been rolling laughing at many of the jokes in this issue.

See me? I’m laughing ’cause you live with your parents. LOSER!

I really enjoyed the fourth wall breaking moments and jokes in those about fanfiction. It’s always good to have a sense of humor about one’s hobbies and such.

What you don’t know is that Pollard wept as he wrote those scenes.

Blind Al and Weasel are welcome additions anytime in a Deadpool story as well.

YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

The interplay between the Merc With A Mouth and his imposed roommate was very well done. Poor Al having to put up with Wade, at least she got him back for not getting that massage.

Poor Al?! POOR AL?! What about poor Wade?! I’m the one who had to fight off two cutesy Japanese chicks!

…okay, that actually does sound awesome but trust me, it’s not!

I anticipate some heinous beat-downs now that Sunfire is pissed off. Dino has done it again, and I’m glad to have read this issue.

Sunfire couldn’t beat down his dead mom! Hahaha, dead mom jokes always kill me. Get it? Kill? Ahh, that’s great.

 

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