Tokyo

“What do you know of the Yottsu Kaze?”

“Is that some sort of new laundry detergent?”

Sunfire sighed (arrogantly, just the way he does everything). “No, it’s not some sort of new laundry detergent. The Yottsu Kaze or Four Winds are four prime leaders of the Yakuza in Japan. Kita in the north, Minami in the south, with Higashi and Nishi representing east and west.”

“Oh,” I said. “…so what do the yakitori want with me?”

He sighed again. “Yakitori is fried chicken on a stick.”

“…but you just said…”

Sunfire started rubbing his head. “Please Wilson…just don’t ask questions.”

Little recap here—hi, I’m Wade, I’ll be your narrator and fourth-wall breaker this evening. I’m a gun-for-hire, nicknamed the Merc With A Mouth because I never shut up. Some call me Deadpool. Others call me “Pleasedontkillme,” which is kind of a mouthful.

Anyway, I was hired to come to Tokyo and kill this guy. He’s Sunfire, Japan’s national hero and all-around arrogant prick. But when I got here, I found myself being attacked by two cutesy Japanese chicks riding motorcycles and either slicing me with swords or shooting me with Uzis.

That’s when Sunfire realized what was going on—looks like the Yakuza only hired me because they hoped Sunfire would kill me. Seems I did something to piss them off, although I’m not sure what that was. And now, they want me dead.

“Last year, the Yottsu Kaze were assassinated by a lone gunman,” said Sunfire. “It’s only recently that the new leaders have managed to gain control over their respective territories. Do you know who that lone gunman is?”

I rubbed my chin and looked to the side in that way they usually do in movies and TV when they’re thinking of something important. Really, all I was doing was admiring the soft glow of the karaoke place across the street. Man, I do love karaoke…

“WILSON!”

“Huh? Okay yeah, let’s do that, I’m fine with doing that…thing we were just talking about…”

“You were the gunman,” said Sunfire.

“I…was?”

“You killed the Yottsu Kaze last year.”

“Nah, you’re way off,” I said. “I didn’t kill anyone.”

I stopped and thought about it.

“No, I did kill someone. Many someones. But not those guys. I’ve never been to Japan before.”

“Apparently, you killed the Yottsu Kaze, your name has been cursed in the underworld of Japan.”

“That…nah, that’s not possible,” I said. “I never killed them! And it’s not like I’m modest about my kills. I’ve got a kill count website because I believe in transparency in murder and mutilation. Just go to deadpoolkillometer.com and you’ll see.”

[[ Not a real website. ]]

They know that, stupid.

[[ Just want to make sure they know that this isn’t one of those fancy interactive fics. We don’t have the budget for that. ]]

Translation: You’re a cheap, lazy bastard who doesn’t want to go to the effort of buying the domain, making the site, and…okay yeah you’re right, I wouldn’t do it, either.

“I can prove it to you,” said Sunfire.

TOKYO SUCKERPUNCH

Part III

By Dino Pollard

“There,” said Sunfire, pointing at the screen.

I squinted through my mask and sure enough, there was an image of me shooting four Japanese Yakuza lords right between the eyes. The next image showed them all falling down dead. The third image showed me going on to massacre the rest of the lieutenants. Except there was just one problem…

“I don’t remember any of this!”

“Then someone impersonated you,” said Sunfire. “Either way, the Yakuza believe Deadpool killed the Yottsu Kaze and they won’t rest until Deadpool himself is killed in retaliation.”

“So what now?”

“Now, we prepare to strike at them,” said Sunfire.

“So we’re pals now?”

“No. In fact, I wouldn’t lose any sleep if the Yottsu Kaze did kill you. But Higashi is in charge of one of the largest Yakuza syndicates in Tokyo and I want him taken out. And with your help, I may have that opportunity.”

“Right, gotcha,” I said, then looked around at the place Sunfire took me to. “So this is your Fortress of Solitude, huh? Your Firecave I guess you’d call it.” Then I looked at some of the people who came by to collect empty glasses. “Complete with a loyal staff of butlers, the only ones who know your true identity.”

“My identity is public knowledge, as you are well aware,” said Sunfire. “And this is an Internet cafe.”

“…I knew that.”

Interlude Fo’ Shizzle

[[ What are you doing? ]]

I’m going to narrate the interlude.

[[ Not according to this. ]]

…this is a bar napkin.

[[ On the back. ]]

Okay, on the back is…something drunkenly scrawled.

[[ That’s how I “plot” this series. You’d be surprised how easy it is to write Deadpool. ]]

So what’s it say?

[[ It says you aren’t narrating the interludes. ]]

And why the hell is that?

[[ Because interludes are for winners. ]]

Really…? I don’t trust you, so I’m going to look at my handy dictionary here… Let’s see… ah, interlude! A…noon?

[[ …that’s noun. ]]

Right, I knew that. It means: an intervening period of time. See? There you have it, nothing about winners at all, so there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be allowed to narrate it. So you’d better let me narrate this thing.

[[ If you don’t shut up, the next arc will be titled, “Deadpool’s Slash Fanfic Adventure.” ]]

…on second thought, I’m too busy. Do your own damn interlude narration!

Interlude
The Pandimensional Offices of Landau, Luckman and Lake

Zoe Culloden sat behind her desk with her arms crossed, a stern expression on her face as she offered one, simple answer to her visitor: “No chance in Hell.”

“I’m afraid we don’t have much of a choice in this matter, Overboss,” said the man, clad in futuristic armor.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Wilson is not suited for something like this.”

“He’s encountered them before, he can do it again.”

“Wilson was used once by this organization in the past and I won’t see him used again,” said Zoe. “I’m sorry, Professor, but you’ll have to find someone else.”

“It has to be Deadpool,” said the Professor. “He fits the profile and he can survive whatever they throw at him. We have to bring him into this, it’s the only way. You know I’m right, Ms. Culloden.”

Zoe sighed. “Fine, I’ll get right on it.”

“Thank you, Overboss,” said the Professor. “Your actions today have saved a lot of lives.”

Wow, that was pretty damn cryptic. What’s it mean?

[[ You’ll find out. ]]

…you don’t know, do you?

[[ What? Of course I know. ]]

You already said you don’t plot this.

[[ Not listening to you… ]]

Hey, no fair pulling that crap! I wanna know what’s going on here, oka—

[[ Beginning of issue #4: Deadpool spotted the Blob across the dimly-lit bar, the jiggling of his belly almost hypnotic and Wade felt an urge that was alien to him but felt so rig— ]]

Okay! You win! Christ, you’re a real prick, you know that?

Tokyo

Higashi, one of the Yottsu Kaze, took the katana sword and drew it from its rack. A man was held down on his knees by two larger men in black suits and sunglasses. Higashi stepped forward, gently resting the cold steel on the back of the man’s neck. He raised it high in the air and was about to bring it down when the doors burst open.

“HIGASHI-SENSEI!”

Higashi cringed as he heard his name called. He turned in anger at the source and saw his two assassins, Neko and Usagi, standing in the doorway.

<“What are you doing here?”> he asked in Japanese. <“You have a job to do.”>

<“Deadpool was able to get the better of us. We request your forgiveness.”>

He sighed and looked down at the man who he was about to decapitate. <“I really must apologize for this.”>

<“Oh no, it’s fine,”> said the man.

<“It’s just so embarrassing.”>

<“Not at all. One time, my daughter interrupted a drug deal because she couldn’t find her doll’s dress. Now let me tell you, that was embarrassing.”>

<“Your understanding is appreciated,”> said Higashi. He looked back at Neko and Usagi. <“And Sunfire?”>

<“They fought at first, but it didn’t seem to go anywhere and Deadpool almost escaped. So we made our move,”> said Usagi.

“Idiots…” he muttered in English as he shook his head. <“You were only to act in the event that Sunfire either did not kill Wilson or if Wilson killed him first!”>

<“B-but we got impatient!”> said Neko.

<“Fine, it’s okay, we can salvage this. Just go back and find Deadpool and kill him. Before Sunfire figures out our involvement.”>

<“That…may be a problem.”>

Higashi groaned. <“And why would it be a problem?”>

<“Because…Sunfire and Deadpool are now working together.”>

<“Let me guess…he saw you two attack Deadpool and figured out our plan.”>

The two women nodded and Higashi waved them off. <“Out of my sight! Go find Wilson and kill him immediately! And don’t screw it up this time!”>

Neko and Usagi held their heads in shame as they bowed and left the room. Higashi looked down at his prisoner. <“I really have to apologize for them, I don’t know what else to say.”>

<“Good help is hard to find these days. The youth of Japan aren’t what they used to be.”>

<“That is very true. Now where were we…?”>

<“You were about to decapitate me.”>

<“Ahh yes, thank you.”> Higashi raised the sword once more and brought it down on the man’s neck, severing his head. It fell to the ground and rolled off. Higashi handed the sword to one of his underlings. <“Now someone get me a drink.”>

Shinjuku

I stood at the edge of the building, looking out at the neon lights of Kabuki-cho, the red light district of Shinjuku in Tokyo. “Oooh, pretty…”

“We don’t have time to stare at the architecture, Wilson,” said Sunfire.

“Who said anything about buildings? I’m talking about the hookers down there,” I said. “Do they charge by the hour or can I rent them for a whole night at a flat fee?”

“Why don’t you concentrate on getting out of this alive first?” asked Sunfire.

“Sorry, those death cuties got my engine revving.”

“They tried to kill you.”

“You’d be surprised how many of my relationships start off that way.”

“Actually no, I wouldn’t,” said Sunfire.

“So what’s the plan?” I asked.

“Well first, we—”

“SHAZAM!”

Sunfire looked surprised as I jumped off the building, throwing a grappling hook while in midair and swinging from it towards Higashi’s club. He shook his head and said something about “baka,” whatever the hell that means.

[[ It means idiot. ]]

It does not.

[[ Look in this Japanese-English Dictionary. ]]

…hunh, so it does. Well I’m sure he was talking about someone else.

[[ …I hate my life. ]]

I went flying through the window, landing on a table in a crouch. “Deadpool-Man, Deadpool-Man! Does whatever a Deadpool can!”

I held an Uzi in each hand and opened fire, mowing down anyone who tried to come near me.

[[ You were out of bullets. ]]

I bought more.

[[ When? ]]

…shut up! It was off-panel, okay!

[[ You can’t commandeer this story. ]]

You bet your ass I can!

“DEADPOOL!”

I looked up and saw Neko and Usagi, both of them holding swords and still looking sexy in their skintight uniforms and cutesy helmets. “Hey girls, you come back for more of the ol’ Deadster?”

“LET’S ENJOY HAPPY MUTILATION TIME!” they said in unison.

“Y’know, if you two ladies weren’t trying to kill me, I’d be extremely turned on right now.”

[[ You are extremely turned on. ]]

“That’s not the point.”

Neko and Usagi looked at each other in confusion. “Who with talking?”

“You see there’s a man with a computer and…” I shook my head. “Y’know what? Forget it. You wouldn’t understand even if you could speak English.”

The two of them lunged at me with their swords, screaming something in cutesy Japanese I couldn’t make out.

[[ They said they piss on your ancestors and your corpse will make a beautiful sofa. ]]

…can’t you rewrite this so that they fall madly in love with me?

[[ No. ]]

C’mon! We’d make total bank on a sitcom! And I’ll even pretend to be gay to fool the landlord!

[[ It’s been done. ]]

Lies.

They each brought their swords down on me and I ducked, using my own swords to block. I sprang up in the air and swung my legs out, kicking them each in the head. Man, I could really go for some…

[[ Wade! Family site! ]]

…what? I was gonna say pizza. It’s so hard to find good pizza in Japan.

“DEADPOOL!”

“Heeeey, it’s my new sidekick, Sunny! Enjoying your day? Heh…get it? Sunny Day? Ahh, I kill me.”

“I am not your sidekick and we have to leave now,” said Sunfire.

“Why’s that?” I asked.

“Because someone has rigged this building with explosives.”

“But why would they…?”

“MOVE!” he shouted.

“Alright, alright, so damn pushy,” I said. “Y’see, this is why even the X-Men kicked you out.”

“The X-Men didn’t kick me out, I chose to leave,” said Sunfire.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…” I hit my teleporter. “Enterprise, two to beam up.”

We teleported across the street just as the building went up in flames. Sunfire watched hovering in the air and looked to me in anger and I just shrugged.

“What? What’d I do?”

“You ruined the plan.”

“I stuck to the plan!”

“You didn’t even listen to the plan.”

“…oh, you mean you had a plan, too?” I asked and started to laugh. “Man, that’s embarrassing for you.”

The flames around Sunfire’s body began to intensify and I slowly backed off. “Y’know what, maybe it’s time for me to go…”

“This isn’t over for you, Wilson,” he said. “the Yottsu Kaze won’t let you get away so easy. They’ll come after you again.”

“Promises, promises,” I said. “By the way, you should really complain to the tourism office. I’ve been in Japan for a few days and there wasn’t one Godzilla sighting. And where are all the ninja schoolgirls?”

“Leave now, before I kill you.”

Epilogue

Higashi sat in a meditative stance in a tatami room. The rice paper door slowly slid open and his eyes snapped to attention. “Yes, Saguri?”

“Neko and Usagi have failed,” she said. “There was an explosion, none of our people survived. But Deadpool and Sunfire both escaped.”

“Sunfire is not our concern, only Deadpool,” said Higashi. “Call the Agency.”

NEXT: What’s the Agency? Who blew up that club? How soon before this book stops being funny? We’re taking bets now!

Oh…next issue? Umm…uhhh…it’s a surprise! Yeah…a surprise… That’ll be good enough to grab the attention of these morons.

Oh please, “next issue” my cracked-skin ass! We all know you’re not writing a fourth issue.

Shut up, Wade.