TEENAGE WASTELAND

By Wesley Overhults

2/26/07

I guess I should introduce myself.  I got this journal for Christmas last year.  My grandmother still thinks that people use these things and I didn’t want to be snotty and correct her.  I’m just getting around to using it now because I feel like there’s stuff I have on my chest that I can’t tell anybody else.  Yeah, I know it’s outdated to keep a real journal but there’s no way I can do an online blog about the stuff I’m going to end up talking about.  People will end up seeing it if it’s online and I can’t take the chance that this will get back to my family somehow.  Anyways, for anyone else who might ever read this in case they want to know, my name is Kate Bishop.  I’m the youngest of two daughters and I’m sixteen years old.  I live in New York City and my dad owns a publishing company among other stuff.  You would think I have the perfect life.  My family is filthy rich, I live in the greatest city on Earth, I have everything a girl could want.  I have something else though.  You see, this isn’t the journal of a normal teenage girl.  I won’t be boring you to death with talk about Twilight or the new season of The Hills (love that show).  I won’t be pining away for the captain of the football team to notice me and ask me to the prom.  My name is Kate Bishop and I have a big problem.

3/4/07

Parents always wonder how their sweet, innocent angels can get involved in such bad things.  I say this because Dad got on my case today.  He found out I quit cello lessons and wanted to know what I was going to do after school instead.  Don’t get me wrong, I love cello but there’s something I’ve found that I love more.  I can’t tell him that though.  Honestly, I can’t really talk to Dad about anything.  Ever since Mom died, he and I don’t see eye-to-eye on anything.  Big Sis is too busy planning her wedding to get between us like she used to when we were kids.  That’s what I mostly call my older sister Susan, “Big Sis”.  She and I have always been really close.  It helps when me and Dad fight, which is a lot because we really don’t get along very well.  It’s not that we hate each other or anything though.  I think it’s mostly that we just see the world completely differently.  We’re just not the same and sometimes we rub each other the wrong way.  I guess maybe I’m just more of my mother’s daughter or something?  Anyways, I hate sounding like a stereotypical teenage girl so enough about that.

I wish Mom was still around but I’ve been wishing that for a long time and I know that it will never come true.  She died when I was a kid while she was overseas doing volunteer work and stuff.  It still hurts when I think about it because we never even got to say goodbye to her.  Sometimes I tell myself that if I had just been there then maybe things would be different.  I guess that’s kinda stupid.  I don’t talk about Mom much with anyone even though everybody knows it happened because of how well-known my family is.  It’s just not something I like to think about.

So what’s my new hobby exactly?  Well, ever since I was a little kid I’ve had one hero.  There was always one person I wanted to be when I grew up.  I probably sound like some nerdy fangirl or something but Wasp is the coolest superhero ever.  I saw something on TV about her when I was a kid.  It was one of those E: True Hollywood Stories kind of things and I’ve loved her ever since then.  She just seems so strong and independent.  I mean she was the only woman out of the founding Avengers and she never looked out of place with them at all.  I mean she was even the one that came up with the name for them and everything.  Plus she also has great fashion sense.  Seriously, this woman is all kinds of trendy.  I’ve wanted to be her for years.  I mean yeah I was a little crushed when she announced she was retiring but then I just thought “Oh my God, I could be the new Wasp!”  Hey, a girl can have dreams can’t she?

I guess that’s why I stared doing what I did.  I heard about this drug while I was at school one day.  They call it MGH (stands for Mutant Growth Hormone) and they say it can give you superpowers.  I . . . I ended up taking a hit of it eventually.  Now I know what you’re thinking and it’s totally not like that.  I’m a good girl.  I try to be nice to everyone, I make good grades, I go to church every Sunday.  I’m not dumb.  I did a lot of research about MGH on the net and I knew what I was doing before I ever put that pill in my mouth.  I knew it was the one that would give me the right kind of powers.

You can’t know how good it feels unless you’ve done it.  You can’t know how amazing it is to fly unless you’ve been up there.  Everything looks different when you’re up there in the sky.  And you wouldn’t believe how the world looks when you’re microscopic.  It’s a whole different world when you’re that size.  All I could think was that this was how Wasp must’ve felt all the time.  This must’ve been how she saw the world.  I want that feeling again.  I seriously need it.  I can’t let my dad find out I’m still taking MGH.  I can’t let anyone know.

3/10/07

I’m getting good with my powers now.  Okay fine, I’ve had a few close calls.  I’ve started using a stopwatch to time my highs.  I don’t want my wings to disappear while I’m in the air or be microscopic without the ability to grow back to normal.  But that’s all part of the superhero thing, right?  I mean of course this stuff is going to be dangerous.  If there was no danger then everybody would do it.  It’s not like I’m some drug addict or junkie okay?  Really I’m going to do good things with my powers.  I’ll save people’s lives and maybe be an Avenger someday just like my hero.  That’s tons better than what other people do while they’re on MGH.

I think Dad’s starting to notice something.  He’s asked me questions about what I’m doing after school while he’s at work.  What if he finds out?  He’ll yell at me and take away my pills and call the cops and I’ll go to jail.  I’m his little girl, his baby.  He can’t do that to me.  He can’t take this away from me.  I won’t let him.  All he cares about is his money and his image.  He doesn’t love me.  That’s why we fight all the time.  He just wants to see me suffer.  Well screw him.  I’m not his little girl anymore.  I can do things on my own and make my own choices.  I don’t need him.

3/22/07

I figured out what to do after school.  Kickboxing.  Okay, not the girliest of things to do but think about it.  If I’m going to be a superhero, I have to defend myself.  That thought occurred to me when I almost died last night.

Okay so I was out training or patrolling or whatever, right?  So I’ve been getting really, really good at flying both when I’m normal and when I’m small.  So I’m working on my moves when I run across some of these goons beating up this woman.  Obviously I have to help her.  So I zip in and hit the two guys with a couple of stinger things (my aim still kinda sucks) and it’s enough for them to back off.  I get back to normal size and I’m standing there looking like a badass with my hands all crackling with energy then it happens.  My stupid stopwatch goes off and I lose my mojo completely.  The two goons see I’m not a threat and they rough me up a little before the cops start to show up.  Thank God I wasn’t holding more pills or I would’ve been completely screwed.

So yeah, kickboxing.  I definitely need to work on my self-defense because I’m not going through that again.  Dad seems to like it.  If it gets him off my back then I’m willing to give it a shot.  Kill two birds with one stone, right?

3/27/07

I went out tonight and went to what I found out is called a “cape party”.  I feel like a big girl now or something.  For people who don’t know (and I was one of them) a cape party is pretty much a party where people do MGH.  It’s like a rave or whatever except instead of doing X they do MGH.  It was . . . weird I guess.  I mean all the time at school I have to hide what I’m doing from everyone and then I come to a place where I feel . . . normal.  I heard about the party from my dealer.  He mentioned it last time I picked up my pills.  There’s this like secret mailing list or whatever that you can get put on so you know when and where it’s going down.  I felt like I was a spy or something because I was getting a secret text on my phone.

The party itself was alright.  It was really nice to meet people who are into the same stuff I am.  I probably would’ve died of laughter if I had seen someone there with powers like Ant Man or something.  I mean obviously we would have to hook up because how perfect would that be?  I guess it’s just kinda weird to see what powers people want to have.  Most people wants flashy stuff like super strength or energy blasts or whatever.  Some people want stuff that’s really subtle.  There was this one guy there and I think he had some sort of telepathy or something.  Some of the other kids told me to stay away from him.  I accidentally bumped into him and I felt really weird.  I just couldn’t stop staring at him because he looked like the hottest guy on the planet.  We stood there and talked for a little bit and he said we should go upstairs.  Normally I wouldn’t do that but there was pretty much no way I could say no to him.  I think somebody realized what was happening because they grabbed me and pulled me away from him.  I was really, really pissed at them for that but that lasted a couple minutes and then I came out of whatever fog I was in.  It was really surreal while I was talking to him, like I was in a dream or something.  I didn’t see the guy after that.  The people who basically rescued me told me that someone made him leave.  I thought about going after him but that thought lasted like two seconds.  I guess it was just leftover from whatever it was he tried to do to me.

I felt kinda out of place at the party.  It was like the first day of being at a new school or something.  I mean I’m still really new at all this and I didn’t know there was this whole big culture revolving around this stuff.  It was fun though, you know aside from the creeper and all.  I’m not really sure I want to make these parties a regular thing but it was a good time and I met some cool people there.  I don’t like sneaking back home so late at night though.  It’s lucky for me that Dad is a sound sleeper and it takes a tornado or something equally huge to wake him up.  Plus being able to shrink down and come in through the keyhole or slip underneath the door makes for some good avoidance of him.  So yeah, that was my awesome night of being a delinquent or whatever.  Good times.

4/2/07

I’ve started getting these headaches a lot.  Actually, my whole body hurts sometimes.  I’m starting to fall asleep at school because I don’t get enough sleep at night.  Kickboxing doesn’t help but it’s going okay.  I just . . . I need my pills.  Everything feels better when I have my pills.  You know that woman I mentioned before?  I saved her life that night.  I want that feeling again.  That’s worth all the pain and all the anxiety.  Yeah, I’m starting to have panic attacks or something.  I just get really, really nervous about everything.  The pills help.  They smooth out all the rough edges and they make me feel alive.  It’s taking larger and larger doses to do it though.  I’m having trouble measuring out how long the doses last.  Dad’s going to notice that I’m blowing through my allowance almost the minute he gives it to me.  I can’t help it though.  I have to be a hero.  People are counting on me.  I just need more pills, that’s all.

If anybody ends up reading this thing, they’ll probably think I’m a drug addict.  They’ll probably think they’re better than me but they won’t know anything about me.  I want this.  I need this.  Nobody else will know what that’s like.  They’ll just sit there and judge me just like they judge everybody else.  That’s the easy thing to do, right?  They’ll probably be just like my dad and rather not associate themselves with me.  They’ll think like him that I’m some ugly freak, some mistake.  I don’t need Dad or the kids at school or anyone.  I just need my damn pills okay?  Screw this, I’m going out for a flight to clear my head.

4/8/07

My stomach ties itself in knots on a daily basis.  My nerves are shot to hell and I am always jumpy about everything.  I was never a paranoid person until now when I have something to actually be paranoid about.  I worry so much that I give myself headaches.  The pills help everything but it makes me worry even more.  I can barely make it through school without taking some.  Usually I’ll take some during lunch or break or something and then shrink down to stay out of sight until my high wears off.  I make sure I always have my watch with me so I don’t run the risk of getting stuck when my high wears off.

I’m losing control of my life.  I have these few moments when I realize that but then the knowledge makes me even more nervous than before.  Ignorance is bliss I guess.  So yeah, I’m losing control of everything.  All it’s going to take is one slip and this nice world I’ve built for myself will fall down.  I feel sick when I think about telling one of my friends from school what I’m doing.  None of them will understand and they will cast me out like someone with a disease or something.  Maybe that’s what this is, a disease.  Maybe I deserve to be a leper or a freak or whatever.  I can still fix this though.  As bad as I feel, there are people out there who are way worse.  I can save them.  I can stop their pain even if I can’t stop my own.  That’s worth it, right?  God I just don’t know anymore.  I just don’t know what to do.

5/4/07

Dad asked me today if I was pregnant.  No seriously, that’s what happened.  I almost fell over laughing when he said that.  I mean who has time for that when there’s illegal drugs to be taking, right?  I told him I wasn’t pregnant.  He asked what was going on and I made up something.  I honestly can’t remember.  My migraines are getting pretty bad and my nerves are kinda shot.  I keep having nightmares about what these pills are doing to me.  What if I wake up one morning as some kind of bug monster or something?  What if I spend the rest of my life at microscopic size?

I think my dealer got busted.  I’ve been shopping around for a new one because my regular one hasn’t been around in a couple of weeks.  There’s this new guy that has the right stuff and carries the doses I need.  Tonight’s going to be my biggest dose yet.  I’m not ready for it but I can’t quit now.  Literally, I can’t.  I need the pills to stop all the pain.

5/8/07

Growing up is so weird.  So much happens in such a short period of time.  It’s crazy how one moment can change your entire life.  My name is Kate Bishop and I’m sick.  It’s not a common cold or a flu or even mono.  It goes a lot deeper than any of that.  I’m an addict.  I tried all this time to convince myself that I wasn’t one but that’s what I am.

The last time I wrote in this journal, I was on a lot of MGH.  I overdosed that night.  I took so many pills that my body is stuck in Wasp-mode.  I seriously can’t remember a lot of what happened.  I only know what the doctors and my dad told me.  Dad said he found me on the bathroom floor, that he came up there because he heard me screaming.  I was shaking, convulsing when he found me there.  He got me to the hospital and I was clinically dead.  They had to restart my heart and pump my stomach and everything.  They said something about using the juice from my stingers to help jumpstart me.  I don’t know.  They saved my life but I’ll never be the same.  I’m not sure I even want to still be alive.

My family has good lawyers so I won’t go to jail over this.  I seriously don’t know how they managed to pull that off but somehow they did.  I guess it’s true what they say that money can buy you whatever you need.  Money can do a lot of things.

I had a really long conversation with Dad though while I was in the hospital.  He yelled at me a lot and I deserved it.  I was a complete idiot.  He said something that made me feel like absolute shit, more than anything else he said to me.  He told me that if Mom was alive to see this then she would’ve wished she was dead.  That hurt.  I wanted to jump out of the hospital bed and punch him in the face for that.  It made me realize something though.  He was right.  I’ve brought a ton of shame to my family and I will never live this down.  I decided to do something about it though.  Well, the judge kinda decided that for me but I’m going to comply.

I’m not writing this from the hospital.  I’m not writing this from the warm, safe confines of my room.  I’m writing this from a place that might be just as bad as jail but will probably be better for me in the long-run.  I’m in rehab.  Yeah, seriously.  It’s a place called Horizons and it’s a drug-treatment facility.  It even has a small ward for people with abnormal conditions like me.  So here I am, Kate Bishop the 16-year-old drug addict writing in her journal with a purple crayon and hoping the orderlies don’t know I have it.  I never thought things would turn out like this.  I really don’t know if I can do it.  I’m already going through some hardcore withdrawal symptoms.  I’m shaky and nervous and I can’t sleep very well.  I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff and I know that if I jump off it, my awesome new wings won’t save me.  I want to jump though.  I want to die.  I’ve screwed up my life so much that there’s no going back.

I can’t jump though.  God help me, I just can’t.  I’m not doing this for me and I’m damn sure not doing this for Dad.  I’m doing this because I don’t want Mom’s spirit or ghost or whatever to be disappointed in me.  I can deal with a lot of things but I just can’t deal with that.  So yeah, I’m gonna try this for you, Mom.  Just don’t expect much from me.  I wouldn’t want to disappoint you any more than I already have.

5/9/07

So for the record, sleeping with these new wings sucks.  I mean most normal people either sleep on their back or on one of their sides.  I can still sorta sleep on my sides but sleeping on my back is totally out now.  These things are pretty tough but I end up on my back at some point during the night and they hurt by the time I wake up.  Everything hurts though so I dunno if it’s just the withdrawal or what.

I started group therapy today.  The rest of the people in the group are pretty okay.  Most of them are former drug addicts like me and there are a couple of them that were on MGH but I’m kinda the worst of the bunch.  We mostly just went around the room and told our stories.  I felt a little embarrassed to admit some stuff and everybody paid way too much attention to me.  Thank God I didn’t unconsciously shrink myself or anything while they were staring at me.  God knows I wanted to.  I also almost threw up when the therapist told everyone how exactly MGH is made.  It’s made out of people’s DNA.  So yeah, I was popping pills made out of people.  Gross?  I think so.

I had my first rehab meltdown.  My body hurt all over and I was shaking and I couldn’t stop crying.  I seriously wanted to die.  I would’ve killed for something sharp so I could’ve cut myself.  I mean I never ever thought about doing something like that before all this.  I’m learning a lot about myself in here.  I lied to myself a lot when I was using.  I told myself I needed the pills so I could protect people with my powers.  I just needed the rush they gave me.  I was a selfish, spoiled brat.  I know that now but . . . I’m not sure I can change that.  I’m starting to wonder what life after rehab will be like.  I don’t think I’ll be able to survive.  I won’t be able to look at any of the kids from school and I definitely know I can’t look Dad or Big Sis in the eye without feeling so ashamed of what I did.  What hope do I have for anything close to a normal life when I get out of here?

5/14/07

I missed Big Sis’s wedding today.  I was supposed to be a bridesmaid too.  I feel like shit for that.  She came to see me a few days ago.  We didn’t really talk that much.  I could barely even look at her because I was so ashamed of everything.  I don’t think Dad will ever come to see me.  I can’t tell whether that’s a good thing or not.

The orderlies had to tranq someone a few nights ago.  The kid was crazy bipolar and had done a lot of drugs to medicate it.  He was shouting and threatening everyone and screaming.  It was so bad that it woke me up.  I just laid there listening to him until they knocked him out.  All I kept thinking was “That could be me.”  I want to get out of this hellhole and go home.  I don’t care if my dad never says another word to me ever.  I need him and I need my sister too.  I need my family and friends and a normal life.  I was so stupid to throw that away.  God I wish I could’ve stopped myself from ever taking even one of those damn pills.  I should stop writing.  It’s going to upset me and I have to go to group soon.  The therapist promised us we were having a couple special guests today.  Will be back later with an update on that.

5/14/07

So the special guests for group today were Cloak and Dagger.  It was kinda neat to hear that they got their powers in a similar way to how I got mine.  It made me feel kinda sad though.  They were runaways who lived on the street.  When I get out of here, I’ll still be some snotty, rich brat with a summer home in the Hamptons.  I’ll go back to getting everything I want from Daddy even though I don’t deserve it.  My life was never as bad as theirs.  It’s crazy to think that I’m sad about that, like I need my life to be more tragic than theirs to feel better about myself.

I’m sure most of my friends from school (if I still have any) will ask me what it’s like to be on drugs.  Being an addict isn’t something you can explain to someone who’s never been one before.  It just . . . it’s always there, you know?  I’m starting to really make peace with the idea that I’ll never stop being an addict.  There’s never going to be a day where that part of me doesn’t exist anymore.  The only thing I can do is not listen to that part of me, not let it control my life the way it was before.  So every day that I hear that voice in the back of my head that tells me to use and I ignore it?  That’s one more day of my life that I’ve taken back from this disease.  All those moments where I truly feel happy and alive and those feelings don’t come from pills?  Those are moments that I take back for myself.  What’s it like to be on drugs?  What’s it like to be an addict?  It’s the worst feeling in the world because you don’t even know what’s going on until it’s too late.  You don’t even realize how far in over your head you are until you’re drowning.  But as hard as that is, this is even worse.  Don’t ask me what it’s like to stare over the ledge, want to jump, and get yourself to turn away from it.  I wouldn’t wish that on even my worst enemy.

6/4/07

Happy birthday to me.  No seriously, today is my birthday and I get to celebrate it with the fine patients and staff of Horizons.  Lucky me, right?  I don’t know if they looked in my file or what but my therapist figured out today is my birthday so we kind of had a party for group today.  It almost made me cry and I’m not even sure whether it was in a good way or a bad way.  Last year was my sweet 16.  My dad bought me a new car, I had a huge party with my friends, I was basically every girl you’ve ever seen on that stupid MTV show.  So now flash forward to one year later and I’m in a drug rehab place because I ODed and almost died.  Oh, don’t forget that I’m permanently mutated too.  I get that my therapist and the people in group were trying to make me feel better but I think all it really did was made me think about how much crap can happen in one year.

The party mostly made me think about what I wrote in the last entry.  I realize now that I’ve been pretty spoiled for my whole life.  Like I said, when I get out of here I will still have everything that I had before I came here.  I’ll still have that new car, I’ll still have all of Dad’s money, I’ll still have all that crap.  Really I don’t deserve any of that stuff.  I guess that’s the problem with being a teenager.  You get really selfish and you don’t see how your choices impact the lives of the people around you.  Being in a place like this changes that though.  Like I said before, the people in here have it way worse than me.  I don’t fit in here and Daddy’s money isn’t going to change that.  I’m not even sure I want it to honestly.

My friends from school weren’t really my friends.  Sure we hung out together, sat at the same lunch table, went to each other’s parties, all that normal crap.  We weren’t really friends though.  Honestly, I was a bitch to most of the kids at school and I didn’t even realize it.  I realize it now though.  I know the kids in group have tons of problems but today they were better friends to me than all the friends from school that I’ve ever had in my life.  I guess that’s not such a bad birthday present, right?

6/10/07

It feels good to sleep in my actual bed again.  Yes, I’m out of rehab now.  I still have some support group stuff I have to do and Dad is working on getting me a therapist.  Other than that though, there’s not much else to do except try to figure out how to go back to normal.  Dad still doesn’t really talk to me.  I can tell he’s still disappointed in me and I don’t blame him.  I really screwed up and let everyone down.  I’m going to come back from this though.  I know I said I was worried about life after rehab but honestly if I can come back from this then I can do anything.

Speaking of life after rehab, I’ve been thinking about my powers.  Even though I was doing it for the wrong reasons, I was helping people.  Since I can’t go back to being normal (and can’t even go back to my old school), I’ve decided I want to keep trying to be the new Wasp.  I just feel like I need this chance to redeem myself and turn all this into something positive.  I’ve seen on the news that there’s this group called the Young Avengers.  I’m going to try to track them down and ask to join up.  I mean if Cloak and Dagger can do this then I can too.  Right?

6/18/07

I feel like shit today.  I haven’t felt this bad since I was in rehab.  Today I had to go through my email account and my phone to block all the people that I met at that cape party a few months ago.  I know it was the right thing to do but it just . . . it put me in a bad space emotionally.  When I was at Horizons, the other people in group and even my therapist called this feeling being “low”.  I don’t think that just one word covers it.  Yeah it feels like you’re down in some deep pit and you just can’t pull yourself up but it’s more than that.  I just keep thinking that those kids I met at the party weren’t so bad.  I mean there was that one creeper with the telepathy or whatever but there were kids who looked out for me there.  Maybe rehab didn’t work out for me very well or maybe I’m just having a bad day.

I guess I’m just crazy.  I have to be because part of me really, really wants to go back to the drugs even though I don’t need them anymore.  I mean I have permanent superpowers so there’s no reason to keep using and there wasn’t a good reason to do it in the first place.  I just . . . I’m not thinking right.  Really I’m not thinking right and I need to stop.  My therapist warned me that this was going to be the hardest part.  She basically told me that what I have to do is train my brain to think differently.  I’ve been trying it a lot lately and it’s been working but there are times when it’s not enough.  There are times when no amount of reasoning with yourself will work.  I need my pills.  I seriously need them more than anything I’ve ever needed in my entire life.  It sucks how this will just hit you out of nowhere.  One minute you can be perfectly happy and then this . . . this thing will just get inside you and it won’t leave.  It’s like you’re possessed or something.  So yeah right now I think I’m just going to curl myself in a ball and stay that way until this feeling goes away.  Later.

6/21/07

I flew around town today.  I haven’t been flying since before I went to rehab.  It was really nice to experience things with a clearer head.  There are times when I miss my pills.  I miss the rush they would give me, that feeling of power and everything.  I know that’s just the addiction talking though.  I think I just need to keep myself busy.  That was one of the best things about rehab.  Everything in there was scheduled.  You had your meals at specific times, you had therapy at a certain time, everything was ordered.  Now that I’m out in the real world, I kinda don’t know what to do with myself.  I’m taking classes online so I don’t get left behind in school and I think Dad’s going to get me a private tutor eventually.

I’ve decided that I’m going to start training myself with my powers.  I need the discipline it’ll give me and I’m really pushing myself hard for this Young Avengers tryout or whatever it is.  I just don’t want to sit around the house all day because it’ll drive me crazy and I’ll start craving for my pills again.  So yeah, I’m doing daily flights around the city and I’m trying to get back into kickboxing or some other form of self-defense.  That’s another thing that keeps me disciplined and I honestly do miss kickboxing.  Even if a girl can’t zap people with stinger bolts, she still shouldn’t be a victim in this city.  I don’t ever want to be a victim again.  I’ve spent way too much of my life being that already.

6/26/07

I had a really long talk with Dad today.  He took me to the movies and we saw some silly romantic comedy.  I didn’t actually want to go see it because it’s not really my style.  I think he thought I did though so that’s why we went and hey it’s a free movie, right?  Let me tell you though, wearing a jacket over these wings is murder.  Seriously, I know they’re tougher than they look but it’s awkward as hell when you have to put any kind of clothing over them.  Janet Van Dyne was lucky because her wings pretty much went away while she was normal size.  Sucks to be me then because my wings are always there no matter what size I am.

Anyways, after the movie we went out for lunch and then when we got back home we had a father/daughter talk.  It turns out that the whole movie and lunch thing was kind of a peace offering from Dad.  He actually apologized to me for the things he said that day I was in the hospital and for not being more supportive about all this.  It actually made me feel more like shit than I did when he was angry with me because honestly he’s not the one who should be doing the apologizing.  I screwed up and did something really stupid.  I broke his trust and his faith in me and I hurt our family’s reputation (not that it matters so much to me but whatever) so if anyone between the two of us should apologize, it should be me.  So yeah I started crying a little when he said that because I’d realized how horribly I screwed up.  I’ve been trying really hard though and I can tell he appreciates that so at least I’m doing something right.

We also had to have a talk about the whole Young Avengers thing.  I really want to do this.  I mean there’s not much else I can do with these powers except wear a jacket or a coat every time I go out in public for the rest of my life.  While I was in rehab, I learned that you have to admit to yourself who and what you are.  I mean the first step towards dealing with an addiction is admitting you have one, right?  Well having these powers is now a part of who I am and I should learn to do something constructive with them instead of just hiding them away from everybody.

Dad wasn’t super happy about this when I explained it to him.  I think he’s just worried about me getting hurt or screwed up again.  I get that and I understand that he doesn’t want me doing further damage to our family’s rep with my stupidity.  I just . . . I feel like I have to do this.  Maybe that’s me talking or maybe it’s my addiction talking but I think it’s actually me.  I explained that to him and I even told him what happened to Cloak and Dagger and how they’re trying to help people now.  Shouldn’t I be doing the same thing?  Anyways, I think he sort of gave me his blessing.  He said I was old enough now and I had been through enough to know right from wrong.  At least I won’t be going behind his back with this.  That’s part of the reason I wanted to talk to him about it.  I’ve discovered through this whole thing that I honestly love Dad.  I mean yeah we don’t agree on pretty much anything and we still get into arguments but he’s my dad and I can’t hate him.  I don’t want things with him to keep being like they were while I was using.  I want our relationship to be better than that and I really think he wants that too.  So if nothing else positive came out of my whole experience, at least I know that the relationship between me and Dad is better now.  I just wish it could’ve taken something less extreme than this for it to happen.

8/31/07

Oh.  My.  God!  I met her!  Holy freakin’ crap I met her!  I seriously cannot sit still right now.  I’m shaking and nervous and I’m going to explode (in a good way).  I met Janet Van Dyne.  I met Wasp!  Like actually sat down and had a real conversation with her.

Okay so the Young Avengers thing is totally on.  I’ve been doing my thing with them for a while now and it’s been going really good.  I’m making friends, I’m crushing on one of my teammates, I’m saving lives, it’s all good.  So the team gets in good standing with the actual, legit Avengers.  Cap hears my story or at least a good part of it.  So what does he do?  He gets Janet Van Dyne to drop by the HQ and talk to me!

I seriously couldn’t believe it when I saw her.  Time just kinda slowed down and everything around me stopped.  She said hi to me and I really couldn’t think of what to say.  It’s just . . . she’s Janet Van Dyne.  I’ve wanted to meet her since I was a little kid and I always imagined what I would say to her.  Now I get to meet her and I can’t figure out anything to say.  I felt really ashamed when I saw her too.  I’ll never be the kind of hero she was.  I thought all it took was copying the powers but I was so wrong.  I felt so stupid and embarrassed for doing what I did with the pills.

Jan and I (yeah she lets me call her Jan) had a really long talk in private.  She said she had heard a little bit of my story from Cap and wanted to see me.  I tried to play it cool but my story ended up coming out anyway.  I’ve never talked about it since I got out of rehab.  I didn’t think anyone wanted to listen and I don’t want any sympathy from the others.  I’m a big girl and I can pay for my mistakes on my own.  Jan was really supportive though.  She put her arm around my shoulder and told me I was doing a good job, that I was strong enough to deal with anything.  She told me she was proud to pass down her name to someone like me.  I totally lost it when she said that.  I just started sobbing and bawling like a baby.  Yeah, that’s how it went down.  Big, tough Kate Bishop cries like a baby in front of her idol.

I never really told anyone this except for her but Jan reminds me of Mom.  I guess that’s why I’ve always liked her.  My mom was rich just like Jan and she believed in helping people.  She was always donating money to third-world countries and doing Peace Corps stuff.  Mom cared about people.  She was strong, independent, kind, and loving.  I miss her every day.  I guess that’s why I threw myself into this whole Wasp thing.  Jan reminds me of Mom and all I’ve ever wanted was to be the kind of person Mom was, the kind of daughter she would’ve been proud of.  So yeah, hearing Jan say that she was proud of me was worth all that heartache.  I love you, Mom.  I hope you can understand how screwed up I was.  I know I haven’t been the daughter you raised me to be.  I’m trying though.  I know someday we’ll see each other again and you can tell me that you’re proud of me.  Thanks for never giving up on me.

9/12/07

Funerals suck.  I haven’t been to one since my mother’s back when I was a kid but I went to one today.  I keep in touch with a couple of the kids I met in rehab and one of them . . . she didn’t make it.  She was in group with me because she was an addict too.  I remember the day she told us her story.  She came from a family like mine, maybe not as rich but still it sounded like a nice family.  Her parents never hit her or anything like that.  She was on the soccer team, made good grades, all that stuff.  She hated herself though.  All the pressure and stuff got to her so she started hurting herself.  She showed us the scars from the last time she did it, the one that made her come to Horizons.  She seemed like she was doing so well in group though.  I thought she was really going to turn her life around.

It was weird going to her funeral.  I saw some people that I haven’t seen in a while and I don’t think I ever really wanted to see them again in the first place.  I felt like maybe I owed it to them to do this.  I was kinda always worried about that after I got out of rehab.  I was always nervous that maybe I’d randomly see some kid from Horizons at the movies or whatever and they would recognize me.  I mean hey I’m the girl with the wings sticking out of her back.  Not exactly very forgettable.  That’s all I really want to do though.  Those kids were nice to me but I just really want to put that part of my life behind me and move on.  I think going to this girl’s funeral showed me how much progress I’ve made with trying to get my life back together.  I still feel sad that she didn’t make it and now I’m paranoid that I’m going to slip up and go back into that really dark place.  So yeah needless to say I’m really in the mood to punch out some bad guy tonight when I go on patrol.

9/13/07

So you remember when I said I went to that cape party and I met the creeper with the telepathy?  We busted him last night.  I got a couple good shots in on him but I had to hang back because his power only works on girls or something.  That guy was still a scumbag and I’m really glad he’s in jail.  My mood definitely improved when I found out he was the same guy from the party.  It felt good to see him get hauled off in handcuffs.  It’s nights like that where I really feel like I made the right decision to be on this team.  Yeah it’s hard work and there’s always the chance that you may not make it home but when you do make it home and you’re with your teammates you feel better about things.  I’ve also decided on something.  I’m going to ask Billy if he wants to go on a date.  I’ve had a crush on him for a while now and I think he likes me too so maybe one of us should just take the leap of faith.  Maybe that’s just my awesome emotional high talking but I really think the two of us could work out.  Hopefully this will work because I could really use a relationship at this point in my life.  I mean I love my teammates like family but it’s not the same as having a boyfriend.  So yeah, journal, wish me luck or something.

10/15/07

Well, journal, I think it’s time we said our goodbyes.  You’ve been really good for me but I’m running out of pages to write on.  I never thought we would be through so much but life is crazy like that sometimes.  Don’t worry, I’m not throwing you away or anything.  After all we’ve been through, that would be pretty heartless of me.

A lot has happened to me over these months.  I’ve pretty much been to hell and back.  I’ve cried a lot of tears and I’ve spent so much time in pain.  I’ve made a lot of tough decisions about my life.  I’ve torn myself apart and I’ve pulled myself back together.  I’m getting better.  It hurts and it’s slow but I’m getting better.  Billy (Wiccan) and I are dating now.  He’s been really supportive.  I know our relationship isn’t what it should be and that it’s my fault.  I come with a lot of baggage and I get that.  Things could be a hell of a lot worse though.  I get that now too.

To whoever (whomever?) might read this, the moral of my story is that things get better.  You may not believe that.  Maybe you’re like I was and you’re too caught up in things to see them clearly.  It gets better though.  I wasted so much time being selfish and self-involved but I’m clean now in every sense of the word.  Whatever habit you have that you try to break and can’t, it gets better.  You just take it one day at a time and let yourself soak in those moments of happiness and clarity.  You don’t have to be an addict.  You are strong enough to control whatever is controlling you right now.  I didn’t believe that until I hit the bottom.  Don’t let it come to that.

So in the end, fight to hang onto what you love and learn to let go of what’s dragging you down.  My name is Kate Bishop.  I’m 17 years old and I live in New York City, the greatest city on Earth.  I’m a hero and I like to think I’m a good person at heart.  I used to have a really big problem but now I’m getting better.  That’s my story and now it’s in writing for the whole world to read if they want to.  Maybe someone will learn a lesson from it somehow.  I’d really like to think so.

Stay clean and keep fighting,

KB