Hey, hey, kids! It’s your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man here. Although, I’m actually out of the neighborhood for two weeks while I trek to L.A. to try to patch things up with my estranged wife, Mary Jane. Not to worry, though, my cloned twin Ben Reilly is back and looking after things while I’m away, so I won’t have to worry about New York falling to any of my rogues while I’m away.

Of course, the road to L.A.’s not going to be easy, since I’m going with my best friend Flash Thompson, and Spider-Man’s sort of best friend the Black Cat. How did I end up with both of them tagging along? It’s a long story, but hopefully these two won’t kill each other before we reach our destination…

TAKE A SEAT, SPIDER-MAN!

By Tobias Christopher

Mediumville, Kansas

The auction house was holding a special auction for charity that night, as a lot of the townspeople had gathered, all gathering to try to save the local puppy pound/orphanage/home for the violently insane. As the auction began, the people were eager to place their bids. Among the items was a celebrity item: a throne designed for Ozzy Osbourne. It was to be one of the highest items bid upon and the last to be auctioned off that evening. As the auction began, a man waited in the back of the room, weapon in hand. If he couldn’t have the throne, no one would…

Meanwhile, on a highway not too far away…

“And that’s why I’m scared of marshmallow peeps,” said Flash as he sat in the backseat of the cherry red Mustang as it drove down the highway, concluding his three-hour and forty-five minute story.

“… anyone want to listen to the radio for a while?” asked Peter as he turned the radio dial while sitting in the passenger seat.

“And that was Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers with their cover of ‘Gin & Juice’. Coming up in the next hour, we have the newest single from pop star Justin Bieberlake ‘Someone to Love My **** in a Box–”

Peter quickly turned the radio off as Felicia looked at the gas gauge. As the two were looking down, they didn’t notice Frank Castle in the car next to them just before it turned off of the highway to another town.

“Looks like we’re going to have to stop in somewhere and fuel up,” said Felicia as she saw the sun was getting ready to set. “Maybe we should stop in somewhere and grab a bite to eat while we’re there, maybe rest for the night.”

“I still say we should have stopped in Seattle,” said Flash as he leaned back against the seat.

“Are you kidding? They’re still dealing with the carnage the Hulk caused,” replied Peter. “The only off ramp there was still totaled.”

Flash looked at the sign of the town they were driving into.

“Mediumville?” asked Flash as he looked around. “Never heard of this place before.”

“Looks like a nice, quiet, town,” said Felicia with a disgusted tone. “Which translates to: boring as hell with nothing to do.”

“Aw, afraid you won’t find anything to steal while we’re here?” asked Flash.

“I could steal your last pair of underwear and chuck it down the highway like the rest of them,” replied Felicia with a smirk.

“Wait, that’s why all my boxers are gone? Why you little cu–,” said Flash, catching himself, “–ntinuous pain in my rear.”

“I wish you two would start getting along,” said Peter as he looked between the two of them. “You two have been going back and forth since we hit the road. We’re all on this trip together, so we need to all start acting like adults here.”

“She threw my underwear onto the highway!” shouted Flash. “I’m going to have to go commando now!”

“Well, he wrote my name and number of the men’s room of that diner we stopped in at yesterday morning,” replied Felicia. “I’m going to have to get a new cell phone now.”

“First off, Flash, I never want to hear you say anything about your nether regions again,” said Peter as he looked back toward Felicia. “And I was wondering why you were so eager for me to start answering your cell phone while you were driving. There were things said to me that I’ll never be able to burn out of my brain.”

They’ll be right at home with my memories of seeing Aunt May making out with Doc Ock or that time I saw Doctor Strange in a g-string while him and Namor sang ‘Lady Marmalade’… It’s a long story you DO NOT want to hear.

The car pulled into a motel parking lot as the trio climbed out. “I’ll go get the rooms,” said Felicia as she headed toward the office. “You two can go find us a place to eat.”

“I saw a bar and grill about a half mile from here,” said Flash as he stretched to get feelings back in his legs. “I could go for some ribs right now.”

“Fine, but no alcohol,” Peter reminded him. “I’m not letting you slip while we’re out here.”

“Thanks, Pete,” said Flash, the darkness of night started falling on them.

The two stood there for a minute before Peter decided to ask the question that was eating at him. “Do you still have feelings for her?”

“Who? Felicia? What, did you leave your brain in New York?” asked Flash with a laugh. “I am completely over her. I can’t be with a woman who lives that kind of life. I mean, what do you think, Pete? What if Mary Jane was some costumed vigilante going out on a nightly basis? What if she was going out, risking her life, and there was the possibility that some night she wouldn’t come home?”

Peter stood there, thinking about what Flash was saying. It was the same argument that Mary Jane had always put up when they had been together, but hearing it come from Flash made the point hit him like a ton of bricks.

“Alright, boys, let’s eat,” said Felicia as she tossed a room key to Peter. “We’ve got our rooms until noon tomorrow.”

“Wait, where’s my key?” asked Flash with a raised eyebrow.

“You and Peter are sharing,” replied Felicia as she walked past them. “Figured you boys wouldn’t mind bunking up together…if you aren’t already.”

“Great, she thinks we’re gay, too,” replied Flash as he lowered his head.

“Wait… ‘too’? Who else thinks we’re gay?” asked Peter as he followed behind them.

New York

Drew walked into the apartment with the box full of items A.J. requested from home. Drew didn’t have the heart to tell him that, without their father’s unemployment checks, they would lose their home before the end of the month.

“What the hell are you doing?” asked Drew as he found his brother lifting some small weights that Flash had around the apartment. “You’re going to bust your stitches!”

“I’m working out,” replied A.J. as he put the weights down. “That weak, cancer riddled little boy’s on his way out. Once I have my next checkup, I expect to beat this thing once and for all.”

“Well, for right now, chill on the weight lifting; I’m not taking you back to the emergency room for being a dumbass. All right, I’ve got your songbooks, your guitar, and…I can’t believe you still have this…your talking Spider-Man doll,” said Drew as he sat the box down on the coffee table in front of his brother.

“It’s not a doll, it’s an action figure, and it’s the one mom got for me when I was little,” said A.J. as he held the toy in his arms. “Plus, he’s extremely rare. This is the one they had to pull from shelves because parental groups thought the sayings were a bad influence on children.”

A.J. pulled the string on the back of the toy. “Math is tough. Let’s go web-slinging!”

“Well, I have to go out,” Drew told him as he grabbed his camera. “Spider-Man’s been lying low these past few days, so I’ve had to follow other heroes around. Apparently Howard the Duck’s very camera-shy.”

As Drew walked out, A.J. pulled the string on the toy again. “Let’s see if Doc Ock wants to have a tea party!”

Los Angeles

“Filming wraps soon, you really need to think about what you role you want to do next,” said Riley as he brought two plates of food to the breakfast table.

“I know, and I have plenty of offers,” replied Mary Jane as she took a bite of the meal Riley had prepared. “It’s just…I’ve been thinking about the people I left behind in New York lately…”

“You’re homesick,” noticed Riley. “It must be nice having a family to think about. I never knew my dad and my mom died when I was young.”

Mary Jane smiled at the young man. For all the hardships he’d been through, he seemed to be pretty well adjusted.

“So, how did your audition go today?” asked Mary Jane.

“Great!” replied Riley. “But… I don’t think I’ll get the role. Too many better actors are up for the role.”

“That’s no way to think,” Mary Jane told him. “You’re a terrific actor; you’re going to do great in this town.”

“And since the police said we don’t have to worry about those kidnappers anymore, I can really start to focus on things,” replied Riley. “Like turning 18 next week.”

Mary Jane took a sip of her coffee and didn’t reply. She knew there was something funny going on with the police officers who were in charge of the case. She’d hung around the hero community long enough to recognize when someone was hiding something. She desperately wanted to call Peter and tell him what was going on, but her pride wouldn’t let her. She’d just have to watch out for Riley herself and prove to herself, and everyone, that she didn’t need a hero in her life.

The Grassy Knoll Bar & Grill
2 Shot Minimum

Peter, Flash and Felicia walked through the door and looked around the place, none of them being thrilled to be there. The place was filled with drunks, loose women and other undesirable types.

“I hope the food’s better than the atmosphere,” said Peter as they headed to a booth. “I feel like I need a shower just by setting foot in this place.”

As the trio sat down, two men rushed past them, punching at each other. No one else in the place seemed to notice. The jukebox in the back of the place was blaring a loud country song about lost love and a found six-pack of beer.

“I agree,” said Flash before looking at Felicia. “But I bet you feel right at home here.”

“You know, twenty years from now, we’ll be laughing at that,” said Felicia with a smirk as she played with her cellphone. “However, twenty seconds from now I’ll be the only one laughing because I just photoshopped your head onto Lady Gaga’s body and posted it on your school website’s message board.”

Peter pulled out his cell phone and looked it up. “Wow, she used the pic of the dress Gaga made up completely out of chewed gum. By the way, when we gassed up the car I got some plutonium for the time machine, so when you two are ready to stop acting like children and come back to the current time, just let me know.”

“He started it,” said Felicia.

“Did not,” replied Flash.

“Jerk,” said Felicia calmly.

“Thief,” replied Flash, a little angrier.

“Prick,” said Felicia, raising her voice.

“Tramp,” replied Flash, raising his voice to match hers.

“Bastard!”

“Bitch!”

“Kwijibo!”

“ENOUGH!” Peter shouted as he stood up. Felicia and Flash looked at him as if he was the insane one. “I have heard you two do nothing but argue this whole trip! I don’t even know why I even thought this was a good idea! I’m a fairly intelligent person, WHY didn’t I see this happening? Of course you two wouldn’t get along on a road trip of all things! It was like I was expecting a miracle!”

“Peter, calm down,” said Felicia as she looked up at him.

“I’ll calm down when you two start acting you have some common sense!” replied Peter. “I’m going outside for some air.”

As Peter walked away, Flash and Felicia just looked at each other. “Look at what you did,” said Flash calmly as he looked at the menu.

Peter walked outside to try to clear his head. There was no turning back now, no matter how much Flash and Felicia were at each other’s throats. As he leaned against the building, he heard screaming coming from not far away. He rushed toward the sound, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, revealing his blue and red costume underneath. It was coming from the auction house across the street.

Peter Parker may be on vacation, but it looks like Spider-Man’s still on the clock.

Shooting a strand of webbing, he swung through the window where the screaming was coming from, but the room was empty. All he saw were two sets of chairs: one set was normal folding chairs, but the other set, numbering around about a dozen, were dressed in human clothing.

“What in the world is going on?” asked Spider-Man as he saw a woman running out of the backroom, screaming.

“Help me!” the woman shouted. “He’s got a gun and–”

Before Spider-Man could get to her, the woman was blasted by a laser. After a quick flash of light, the woman was gone, replaced by a chair that was wearing her clothes.

“What. The. Hell?” asked Spider-Man as a man wearing a purple tux and top hat walked out of the backroom, holding what looked like a wooden tree branch with a trigger.

“Spider-Man?” asked the man in the tux with a devious smirk. “So, you’ve come all this way to thwart my master plan! It was only a matter of time before a real hero decided to cross paths with…THE CHAIRMAN!”

“Alright, so let me get this straight,” said Spider-Man as he held up a finger to reflect on this. “You have a gun…that turns people into chairs? And you’re robbing an auction house with it?”

“No, not entirely,” the Chairman said as he pointed his gun toward a large chair sitting on the stage, a large one with gold trim and red velvet. “I came for the throne of Ozzy Osbourne himself. It will the crowning piece in my–”

“No, no, let me guess….your chair collection?” asked Spider-Man as he rubbed the bridge of his nose with two fingers. “Why am I the only one who runs into the freak show villains?”

“And now, Spider-Man, you yourself will take part in my collection once I use my chair ray on you!” shouted the madman as Spider-Man simply fired a web at the gun, pulling it away from him. “…that’s–that’s not how this was supposed to go!”

Spider-Man shot several strands of webbing at the man before stringing him up for the police when they arrived. “There, that’ll teach you to rob a chair-ity auction…Jeez, that was bad, even for me.”

Spider-Man picked up the Chairman’s gun and looked at it. “I should be able to rewire this to get these people back to normal. They’re probably bored stiff by now.”

“Please, no more puns!” the Chairman shouted as Spider-Man webbed his mouth shut.

Flash and Felicia were walking out of the bar when they saw Peter leaning back against a fence, just staring up at the night sky.

“Pete, we’re sorry,” said Flash as he joined his friend. “This trip’s all about helping you get your wife back. Felicia and I talked and…we’re going to try to get along for your sake.”

“Yeah, no matter what our feelings are, we’re here to help you,” replied Felicia as she stood on the opposite side of Peter. “So, do you still want to do this?”

“Yeah, I do,” replied Peter as he looked between them. “I want the love of my life back.”

“Then let’s go get her,” Flash said as he as he looked at his watch. “But first let’s get a good night’s sleep.”

As they walked back toward the motel, they noticed the police cars across the street.

“What happened there?” asked Flash.

“Someone tried to rob a charity auction, but he got put on the hot seat instead,” replied Peter.

“Even though what you said didn’t technically sound like a pun, I still want to smack you,” Felicia told Peter as they headed back to their motel.

To Be Continued…