Hey, kids, it’s your old pal, Peter Parker. I’m currently on the road with my best friend, Flash, and Spider-Man’s associate, the Black Cat, as we trek to L.A. for a highly dangerous mission: Winning back my wife, Mary Jane.

What am I going to say when I see her? No idea whatsoever. I just know that I miss her and I want to work things out between us. And, now that we’re minutes away from arriving in L.A., I’m already feeling nervous about what’s going to happen when I see her.

And I’m really hoping that any and all craziness has been left behind in Vegas. After dealing with both the Chairman and the Hypno-Hustler, I just want L.A. to be a nice, normal break from all the villains that tend to follow Spider-Man wherever he goes…

WELCOME TO SPIDEY-WOOD

Part I

By Tobias Christopher

In a small church in L.A. several men had gathered, all dressed in robes. The church itself hadn’t been used in years, making it the perfect place to perform their ritual.

“The time is fast approaching and the boy has not been brought to us,” one of the men said as he approached the altar. “His blood must be shed here. We have worked for decades to get to this moment, and it will not be ruined by some… actress.”

“Give me one more chance,” said Nick, an actor who had been getting to close Riley on the set of the film they were making together. “I can get the boy for you, just don’t harm Mary Jane.”

“Your feelings for this woman are clouding your judgment,” said the man as he faced Nick. “You have until sunset to deliver Riley. After that, we will take charge and do whatever we deem appropriate to reach our goal.”

“Here we are…L.A.!” said Peter excitedly as he sat in the front seat as the car pulled off the freeway. “You know, you two have been awfully quiet since we left Vegas. What exactly happened with the Hypno-Hustler when I wasn’t there?”

“NOTHING!” Flash and Felicia quickly replied in unison.

“We just…got tired and headed back to the hotel, that’s it,” said Flash.

“Okay,” said Peter, not believing a word of Flash’s reply. “So, what are you two going to do while I’m seeing Mary Jane?”

“I have business to see to… alone,” said Felicia, looking in the rearview mirror at Flash.

“That’s fine. I’ll just do some sightseeing,” replied Flash. “Maybe take a studio tour.”

The car pulled into a parking lot as the three got out, stretching after a long trip. Peter pulled out his cell phone and looked at the Google map. Mary Jane was having her mail forwarded to a small apartment complex a few blocks away. “So, do you two want to meet up later at that diner across the street?”

“Sure thing,” said Flash as he looked at Peter. “Good luck, man. Give Mary Jane my best.”

As Flash walked off, Peter looked at Felicia with a raised eyebrow. “Alright, he’s gone. What the hell happened?”

“Like he said, nothing happened,” replied Felicia as she grabbed a bag with her Black Cat costume inside. “Good luck with Mary Jane.”

“Good luck finding your brother,” said Peter as the two went their separate ways. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear those two had sex in Vegas. Maybe they’re rekindling their old romance and just don’t want anyone to know. Oh, well, I’ve got bigger things to worry about.

Mary Jane was dressed in a form fitting black spandex suit on the set of The Family Circus, which was getting ready to film its final scenes before wrapping. Mary Jane’s co-star, Jared Padalecki, was dressed in a black leather costume with a long black coat next to her. He was holding a prop gun while Mary Jane was wielding a prop sword, as the two were fighting off a group of ninjas.

The children playing Jeffy, Dolly Billy, and P.J. were in the background doing their choreographed fight scenes as well, mimicking their powers, which would be filled in with CGI in post production. Fake explosions were being set off all around the set, per producer Michael Bay’s orders.

As the scene was being filmed, Nick Hammond was watching from the side. Nick was playing one of the film’s villains, and was very interested in the apparently single Mary Jane, despite the fact that she didn’t want to date even though she was estranged from her husband.

Nick was also part of a cult that the needed the blood of Riley Alexander, who was playing the part of Billy in the movie. An earlier attempt to kidnap Riley had been thwarted by Mary Jane, and now the cult was getting antsy about getting Riley’s blood in time for the ceremony. All Nick had to do was get Riley alone so no one could stop him from being abducted.

After the scene had finished filming, Mary Jane walked off the set, sitting down in the chair with her name embroidered on it. She looked over and saw Nick. “What are you doing here? You don’t have any scenes being filmed today.”

“Yeah, well, I thought I’d come by and check up on you and Riley,” said Nick with a fake sincerity in his voice. “Make sure you’re both okay. I was going to invite Riley to go see a basketball game tonight if he’s up for it.”

“That sounds great,” said Mary Jane. “He went to his dressing room, but I’m sure he’d be glad to go.”

“Perfect, I’ll be right back,” said Nick as he went to the dressing room and knocked on the door before entering. He had to work fast to get the kid out of there before anyone realized he was gone.

Flash’s studio tour had taken him to the set of the new Family Feud hosted by Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel was smoking a cigarette, letting out a puff of smoke as he looked at the family in the lead.

“Alright, Gibson family, you have the board and there are five answers left. Now, to win the game and move on the Final Feud…what does Marcellus Wallace look like?” asked the man. The youngest child on the end started to speak up as Samuel looked at him. “I don’t remember asking you a God damn thing! Now what does Marcellus Wallace look like?”

“He’s black?” asked the father nervously as the answer was revealed and the father sighed.

Next, Samuel looked at the mother.

“He’s bald?” The next answer turned to reveal that it was correct.

Next Samuel went to the daughter, who was next in line.

“Does he look like a bitch?” asked the daughter.

“Does he look like a bitch!?” asked Samuel in a loud tone as he looked at the board. A loud buzzing heard to signal that the answer was wrong. He looked at the youngest member of the family, who couldn’t have been older than twelve. He was wearing a name tag with ‘Brett’ on it. “You ever read the bible, Brett?”

As the group watched the taping, someone was in the rafters above, seeking out their prey…

After Peter had gone to Mary Jane’s apartment and realized there was no one home, he went to the studio where her movie was being filmed. He’d signed up for the studio tour, wondering if he’d be able to find out where Mary Jane was filming her movie.

“And to your left is the sound stage where they’ll be filming the Spider-Man movie,” said the tour guide as everyone took pictures.

“Um…who’s playing Spider-Man?” asked Peter as he raised his hand.

“That role actually hasn’t been cast yet, but it’s getting very close,” said the tour guide as the group moved along. “And over there you’ll see the soundstage where filming is just about to wrap on the Family Circus movie, which will be in theaters this Thanksgiving. Next on the tour, we’ll actually take you inside a soundstage for an exclusive look at the set of Transporter Poppins.”

Peter took the first opportunity to sneak away from the group and headed toward the Family Circus set, hoping Mary Jane was in there.

Riley had just stepped out of his shower when a rag was placed over his mouth, which was covered in chloroform. The young man struggled but quickly passed out after breathing in the fumes for a few seconds. Nick dialed his cell phone, letting the men just outside the window know that was he was going to be bringing Riley to them momentarily.

Mary Jane was standing at the buffet table when Peter put his hands over her eyes. “Guess who?”

“Jared?” asked Mary Jane. “I told you, we’re not supposed to be fooling around when there are cameras around.”

“Jared?” asked Peter as Mary Jane started laughing as she turned around, hugging him.

“Got ya! I’d recognize you anywhere, Tiger. What are you doing here?”

“I figured I’d come out to L.A. and give Tobey Maguire a much-deserved kick to the groin,” said Peter as he looked into her eyes. “Why do you think? I missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” replied Mary Jane as she let go and turned back around. “I’m just not sure if it’s still the right time for us to talk.”

“I just–” Peter started to say as his spider-sense went off.

Mary Jane immediately recognized it by the look on his face. “Peter, what’s–”

Peter ran toward Riley’s dressing room, kicking the door in. He saw Nick lying on the floor, having chloroformed himself to make it look like he had nothing to do with the kidnapping.

“Riley?” asked Mary Jane in a panic. She looked at the open window, then at Peter, who was already halfway out of his street clothes, revealing his Spider-Man suit underneath. “Peter, Riley’s in trouble. You have to–”

“I’ll be back,” said Spider-Man as he jumped out of the window, letting his spider-sense guide him.

A studio lot filled with people in costume should help me blend in. Unfortunately, it seems like the kidnappers had the same thought. Do I follow the group dressed as the Seven Dwarves; the group of multi-colored My Little Pony stunt actors; or that group dressed like the Avengers? Well, luckily, I’m a sci-fi nerd and know that the Avengers movie costumes aren’t cheap pieces of plastic like that Iron Man knock-off is wearing. Plus the fact that Cap is carrying a body bag is kind of a dead giveaway.

“Sorry, dry cleaning pick-up’s not until Tuesday!” shouted Spider-Man as he swung through, grabbing the black bag off of the fake Captain America’s shoulder.

“I don’t know who that guy is, but get him!” shouted fake Hawkeye as he pulled out a gun.

“Oh, right, Hawkeye using a gun instead of a bow? Talk about not doing your research,” said Spider-Man as he shot a web at the gun, pulling it away. “Next thing you’ll tell is that Cap is using a pogo stick instead of a shield!”

The four fake Avengers ran toward Spider-Man, who easily leaped over them before covering them in webbing, pinning them to a studio wall. The people around started applauding as Spidey took a bow.

“That was one of the best Spider-Man auditions I’ve seen all week!” a man shouted as he pushed his way to the front of the crowd. He handed Spider-Man a card. “Come see me when you get out of that cheap costume! I think I’ve just found my Spider-Man!”

“Cheap?” asked Spider-Man as he remembered Riley was still inside the body bag he’d put down. Unzipping it, he found the young man inside, still unconscious. “Hang tight, kid. I’ll get you back to your dressing room.”

Across the lot, Flash’s tour was currently taking his group through the set of ‘Real Steel Magnolias’. Shirley McClaine and Julia Roberts were beating each other to a pulp as Hugh Jackman and his son cheered from outside the boxing ring.

“This takes me back to my high school days,” said Flash as he watched the fight scene unfold.

“We got a problem,” said a man as he ran up to the director. “The stunt double for the final fight’s been arrested for possession.”

“Drugs?” asked the director.

“No, actual demon possession,” the man told him. “Demon took over his body and he pantsed an officer. He’s at the jailhouse waiting for an exorcist. In the meantime, we don’t have a stunt double for the fight scene.”

The director thought for a moment as he looked at the tour group, spotting Flash. “You!”

“Me?” asked Flash.

“You’re the perfect build; you’ll fit into the other guy’s wardrobe perfectly. How’d you like to be in a movie?” asked the director.

New York

Norman Osborn was staring out the window of his office as he talked to the person he’d summoned.

“I’m surprised you came. I trust you’ve seen the news reports,” said Norman as he watched the sun setting.

“I’ve seen them. This news means nothing to me, not since you said you can deliver what I’ve been longing for.”

Norman turned to face the person, taking sick satisfaction in the fact that he was associated with someone who was just as cold and calculating as he was.

“I provide the technology, you provide the knowhow,” replied Norman. “Together we get the ultimate revenge on Peter Parker. When will the project be ready to launch?”

“We’re ready to go now,” said the person standing on the opposite side of Norman’s desk. “But I thought you wanted Parker to return to town before–”

“Start the project at sunrise,” Norman interrupted. “I don’t want to take any chances. I’ve underestimated Parker too many times. By the time he gets back, it’ll be far too late and he’ll be one step closer to being broken.”

Los Angeles

Nick was holding an ice pack to his head as he talked to Mary Jane. “I tried to save Riley, but I got jumped. Next thing I know, everything went dark. It’s my fault that Riley’s gone.”

“No one’s gone,” said Peter as he walked back into the room, holding Riley in his arms, dressed in a t-shirt and shorts as he lay the boy on the couch. “A guy auditioning for the Spider-Man movie helped me get the kid back.”

Peter, knowing he wouldn’t be able to get Riley back through the window without being spotted as Spider-Man, snuck into the wardrobe department and found another set of clothes to wear over his costume. “Now, would someone mind filling me in on what’s going on?”

“Who are you?” asked Nick, trying to hide his anger at this intruder but it wasn’t working well.

“Nick, this is Peter, my husband,” replied Mary Jane as Riley started waking up. He started screaming as Mary Jane rushed to his side. “Peter, this is my co-star, Nick.”

“So, you’re the estranged husband,” said Nick flatly as he looked at his watch. “I’m going to go talk to security. See if we can’t get some extra protection on Riley. Nice to meet you, Peter.”

“He must really be a good actor, I actually believe that he’s a dick,” said Peter. “Now, what’s going on?”

“Sit down, Pete, it’s quite a tale and I don’t even know most of the story,” replied Mary Jane.

“Some nut in a Spider-Man costume stopped our guys from bringing Riley to you,” said Nick, trying to stay quiet as he talked on his cell phone. “It wasn’t my fault, I wasn’t even there. I did my part, your guys screwed up.”

“No matter, we’re now sending in a professional. Your assistance in this matter is no longer required. We’ve tried to do this without making a scene, but now it’s time to call in someone who can actually do the job.”

“I can bring Riley to you, Mary Jane trusts me–”

“Mary Jane, and any who interfere from this point on, will be eliminated. We are done playing games, Mr. Hammond. We’ve avoided trying to kill people to keep from arousing suspicion, but we need Riley NOW. You will report to the church and join our brethren, and from this point on, that will be your only task. Is that understood?”

“Yes,” said Nick as he hung up.

“Someone’s out to kidnap the kid and you can’t trust the police,” said Peter as he looked out the window. “So instead of calling me, or trying to get a hold of someone who can actually help, like an Avenger–”

“I thought I could protect Riley, and up until now I thought I was doing a damn good job,” replied Mary Jane. “Peter, I didn’t want to have to rely on you to save me again, especially since I was all the way across the country.”

Peter turned around and looked at her. “I’d go all the way across the universe to save you. I know things between us have gotten complicated—but I still love you. And since I’m already here, I want to help. Flash and Felicia are here, too, so we can at least count on Flash helping.”

“The Black Cat is here?” asked Mary Jane with a raised eyebrow.

“Don’t look at me like that. I needed a ride here and she had the car,” replied Peter. “That’s not important now, though; someone’s in trouble and needs both of us. Speaking of which, where is the kid?”

“The catering table,” replied Mary Jane. “For someone so small, he can really pack away the food.”

Riley had a full plate and was getting ready to head back toward his dressing room when a shadow loomed over him. Feeling a chill run down his spine, Riley looked up but, before he could react, had been grabbed. A plate full of food hit the floor with no witnesses around to tell what had come from out of nowhere to grab the young man.

“So, how is everyone in New York?” asked Mary Jane.

“Great,” replied Peter. “Aunt May’s been doing a lot of charity work; Flash has been going to his AA meetings; Jonah’s still an overgrown grouch. Oh, and Spider-Man has his own personal paparazzi again. This time it’s not just a split personality but an actual person.”

“And how is Peter Parker?” asked Mary Jane as she looked into his eyes.

Peter remained silent as he just stood there, looking at Mary Jane.

Riley looked up nervously as he was thrown to the ground of the studio roof. The person who had brought him up there was looking for some privacy.

“What do you want?” asked Riley.

“You have something that belongs to me,” said the Black Cat as she stood over the young man in her form fitting black costume. Claws sprung up from the fingertips of her black gloves as she bared them at Riley. “And I’ve come to claim what’s rightfully mine, little brother.”

To Be Continued…