DESERT STORM

By Derrick Ferguson

The Human Torch would not have believed how fast something as huge as The Hulk could move if he hadn’t seen it for himself. The behemoth sprang right at him with frightening quickness and The Torch could have only one response to such an unexpected move: he ducked.

The Hulk went speeding over his head and disappeared into the desert night. The Human Torch sprang to his feet and shouted “Flame On!” His body burst into fire and he flew straight up into the sky, increasing the luminosity of his flame so that the desert was illuminated for some nine thousand feet in circumference. The Human Torch look down, slowly rotating in a circle and his eyes gradually widened in surprise as he realized that somehow, someway, The Hulk was…gone.

With a shuddering BOOM! the doorway of the secret laboratory was slammed shut from the inside. The Torch grunted in grudging respect. The Hulk was not only fast, but also canny. No doubt he wanted to safeguard whomever he had inside that lab and keep their identity a secret. His leap wasn’t an attack at all but just a diversion to get The Human Torch off balance and give him time to get back inside the lab. The Torch landed next to the doorway and extinguished his flames. He could burn through the doorway but that would take too much time and expend much of his energy…energy that he would need to battle The Hulk because he was certain that it was going to come down to a fight. There was something going on here that was now under his skin and The Human Torch was determined to figure out just what the hell The Hulk was up to out here and what Lt. Colonel Hardbottle wanted with the jade giant.

Inside the lab, The Leader was nearly hysterical with fear. “What in the hell is going on out there?” he shouted as The Hulk stomped inside the main room of the underground lab. “Who were you talking to? Is it The Army? Tell me!”

“Shut yer meathole!” The Hulk roared back. “I’m tryin’ to think an’ I can’t do it with you yammerin’ like a little bitch!” The Hulk pointed at a tunnel leading to another series of smaller rooms. “There’s a panic room down at th’ end of that corridor. Go get in there an’ don’t come out until I tell you to.”

“Is it The Army? Have they come for us?”

“It’s The Human Torch. He’s workin’ for Hardbottle an’ he’s come for me. He don’t know about you an’ I wanna keep it that way so go do what I tell you!”

The Leader’s lime green skin noticeably paled. “The Human Torch? Is the rest of The Fantastic Four out there as well? Can you fight them all? Didn’t The Thing beat you before?”

“No, he DIDN’T,” The Hulk snarled and The Leader started taking slow steps down the corridor. “An’ it’s not Johnny Storm… this is the old Human Torch, the android one.”

“From World War II? Are you sure? Wasn’t he deactivated?”

“Who gives a rat’s ass? Just get IN there!” The Leader scurried away and seconds later The Hulk heard the door slam shut. He turned and lumbered back the way he came. There were two secret exits from the underground lab that he could use to sneak up on The Human Torch and put an end to the android’s interference. And it had to be done quickly. No doubt The Human Torch was in contact with Hardbottle and was probably informing the bastard of The Hulk’s location right now. The Human Torch had to be silenced before everybody from The Army, Navy, Avengers, Fantastic Four and The Sisters Of The Revolving Door Tabernacle descended on him.

Lt. Colonel Felton Hardbottle sat in a secure interview room of the government installation known as The Vault, one of the world’s most secure facilities for the incarceration of superhuman felons. Hardbottle sat quietly on his side of the room, which was halved by a ten-inch thick plexiglass divider that was more than strong enough to protect him. He smoked a cigarette as he read the thick files on the two men he had requested to see. He looked up as the door on the far side on the other half of the room hissed open and two men were led in by Guardsmen and seated in simple plastic chairs.

The black man in the left chair was impressively muscled with an attitude of supreme arrogance in his every gesture and the slight sneer on his full lips. A leather patch covered the socket where his left eye had once been and the sides of his head were shaved bald, leaving only a flattop fade on top of his head that was dyed bright yellow.

The man in the right chair was smaller, somewhat slighter in build and nowhere near as dynamically muscled as the other man. His most extraordinary feature was the gleaming silver mask he wore. Fashioned in the fantastic shape of a winged skull, the mask had long ago been micro-surgically fused to his face and could not be removed.

Hardbottle dropped his cigarette on the floor and said; “I suppose you gentlemen are wondering why I’ve called you here today.”

The black man and the skull-masked both said nothing. Their torsos were encased in straightjackets. Shackles bound their ankles. They appeared almost bored. Whatever this was, whatever this was supposed to be about, they knew they had time on their side. After all, they had nowhere to go and nowhere to be.

Hardbottle looked at the one-eyed black man. “Conroy Blankenship. You called yourself Ammo a few years back when you ran The Wildboys. There was a major supervillain attack on New York and you thought you’d take advantage of the chaos and confusion to try and take over the city. Daredevil and The Black Widow took some exception to that. They handed you your ass and showed The Wildboys they weren’t so wild after all.” Hardbottle opened up Ammo’s file and read quietly for about a minute before speaking again. “Says here that you got way too big for your britches. Tried to become a major player in the supervillain game and consolidate some of the smaller East Coast gangs under you. Used them to steal some government technology. A prototype particle beam hand cannon. That’s why they threw your black ass in here even though you don’t have any superhuman abilities.” Hardbottle closed the file. “Trying to steal something from S.H.I.E.L.D. tells me you’re dumb as dogshit. But you’re also a boy with ambition. I like that.”

“Don’t call me boy, nigga.” Ammo’s voice was low and throaty with suppressed rage.

Hardbottle chuckled and opened the other file. “Professor Bram Velsing. Latverian national awaiting extradition. Your file says you were known as The Dreadknight.” Hardbottle scratched his chin. “If I can believe what it says here, you’re one hell of a scientist. Smart enough to get Victor Von Doom himself pissed atcha. He was the one who locked that fright mask on your mugpiece, wasn’t he?” Hardbottle chuckled again and appeared to be greatly enjoying himself. “You spent a couple of years trying to get revenge on Doom with no success and came to America doing mercenary work to raise funds. Seeing as how you got beat so easily by She-Hulk I would say you shoulda stuck to lab work.”

“And who are you, sir?” Velsing’s muffled voice said from behind the metal mask. “Obviously you are with the military but you have not told us your name or why you have us here. I do not know you or this other man.”

“He wants somethin’, man,” Ammo growled. “He come pimpin’ for the gubmint. I knows a house nigga when I smells one.”

“You may not be the poster boy for political correctness, Ammo, but you are most definitely smarter than your limited vocabulary would lead one to believe. You are most definitely right when you say I want something from the both of you. If you accept my deal and come work for me, I’ll get you outta The Vault. Complete the mission I assign you to and you can be five million dollars richer. Of, course the catch is that you have to survive the mission.”

The Human Torch paused in his work. He had vaporized the sand and soil, revealing the metal door underneath. He cracked his knuckles. Now this was where he would really have to turn up the heat, so to speak. He would have to concentrate his flame into a narrow beam so that it would act like a cutting torch and-

“Flame On!” The Torch ignited and flew straight up just in time to evade The Hulk’s charge. The great arms of the man-monster only managed to dissipate the trail of fire left behind by The Human Torch. Only the fact that he could consciously control the acuteness of his hearing had allowed him to hear The Hulk just as he began his charge. Once again The Human Torch marveled at how quiet The Hulk could move when he wanted to. If the Hulk’s impatience hadn’t overcome him, if he had just wanted a minute more, he would have had The Human Torch in his hands.

The Human Torch swooped down and extended both of his arms and a blast of supercharged flame smashed into The Hulk, driving the man-monster back. The Hulk howled in fury as he rolled over and over, engulfed in fire that turned his pants to ash and burned off the hair on his head and his eyelashes in seconds. The Hulk got his solid footing and leaped upwards, right at The Human Torch who swerved in mid-flight to avoid The Hulk.

One massive green hand seized hold of The Human Torch’s leg and The Hulk yelped; “Gotcha!” The Human Torch’s hands slammed on either side of The Hulk’s head and he instantly raised the temperature of his flames several hundred thousand degrees. Flames engulfed The Hulk’s head and the man-monster howled as his ears were crisped. He let go of The Torch and fell nine hundred feet back down to the desert with a thunderous crash, his hands going up to his face, roaring in pain.

The Torch hovered above The Hulk, crackling and roaring, a living holocaust of fire, his arms folded across his chest. “Let’s understand something, Banner. I’m not Johnny Storm. He’s powerful, yes. But he’s human. I’m not. I can do things with my flames that Storm could never do and I can raise the temperature of my flame off the scale if I so desire. If you play with THIS fire you are going to most definitely get burned.”

The Hulk ponderously raised himself to one knee and fist, wiping huge flakes of blackened, burned skin from his face. His ears were healing already, returning to their normal shape and new skin was growing back. He hated to admit it but the old fool had surprised the hell out of him. His response to The Hulk’s attacks had been incredibly fast and decisive. He’d have to be a lot more careful how he fought this Torch.

“Now let’s have a conversation like two intelligent beings. Hardbottle tried to sell me a load of bushwa that The Vice-President wants to offer you a job. A job investigating Genosha of all places. Does that make sense to you?”

The Hulk threw back his still smoking head in a booming guffaw that scared howling coyotes ten miles away into silence. They slunk into their dens and lay there quivering in fear. They knew madness when they heard it.

“You gotta be crazy or think I am! Uncle Sam turn ME loose in Genosha? Y’think the U.S. wants to start World War III.”

“That’s what Hardbottle told me. Now either he’s lying and I don’t think he is or you are. Or maybe you are a pawn in some kind of plot. Maybe you’re being set up to be the patsy. If that’s the case, if we put aside our differences I’m sure we can find out what’s in back of all this.”

The Hulk’s thick lips curled back from his wide teeth in an ugly grin of disdainful hatred. His vision had cleared up completely and his ears had returned to their normal size and shape. He shifted his position slightly, bringing his other hand around in front of him as if he were merely trying to make himself more comfortable in his squatting position. “What are you talking, man? A team-up? With you? You forgot who I am, Hammond? I’m The HULK. The strongest thing walkin’ the planet. Y’know how many times they done tried to kill me an’ I keep comin’ back madder and badder than before? You can’t do nothin’ for me, Hammond. If Hardbottle comes after me again I’ll pull him apart like a chicken wing an’ then after his bosses.”

The Human Torch could only shake his head in shocked surprise. “I’m appalled, Banner. I’d heard a lot of things about you but after fighting you and listening to you I can only say that what I’d heard barely scratches the surface of how insane you truly are. You need psychological help. Badly. Your train has completely jumped the tracks. I serious doubt it ever was on the tracks. You’ve totally lost it, mister.”

“Mebbe so, but I kept you listenin’ long enough to do THIS!” The Hulk’s hands swept upwards, hurling what amounted to a sandstorm at The Torch. The Human Torch was caught in a pulverizing wave of sand that sent him tumbling through the air and he cursed himself for falling for a trick that was old when Julius Caesar was a boy. The Hulk had kept talking, distracting The Torch with his ranting while catching his second wind and setting up the sandstorm. He increased the heat and intensity of his flames as he righted himself in mid-air and flew upwards out of the sandstorm.

He saw The Hulk bounding in the direction of Las Vegas. “Oh, no” The Torch muttered in horror. If they started fighting there the destruction would be inconceivable. All by himself The Hulk was more than capable of razing the city to the ground in a frighteningly short amount of time. The Human Torch rocketed through the air, pounding flame bursts into The Hulk’s back, driving him back down to the desert. He had to keep The Hulk out here in the desert and away from Las Vegas. No doubt The Hulk was planning on using the city itself as a bargaining chip to drive The Torch away. The Hulk roared his defiance and The Human Torch angled downward and flew right at the bellowing man-monster.

The Leader found the panic room wonderfully equipped with enough electronic equipment to have given a S.H.I.E.L.D. technician orgasms. He had found the camera system that was linked to Army satellites in geosynchronous orbits over The United States and was watching the battle between the monster and the android with growing dismay. If someone had told The Leader that The Hulk would have had this much trouble fighting The Human Torch, well, he simply wouldn’t have believed it. He supposed it was possible that Banner’s personality was exerting considerable subconscious influence over The Hulk persona. It was hard to tell. The Leader found the current relationship between The Hulk and Banner personas most disconcerting. It was almost as if Banner’s divided psyche had come to some sort of grudging partnership to achieve an unguessed at goal. There were times when Banner would clearly display some of The Hulk’s more…aggressive techniques to a problem and The Hulk appeared to have greater access to Banner’s intellect than ever before.

Either way, this current situation had to be reported and there would have to be changes in plans. The Leader moved over to a console where he picked up a satellite phone and tapped in a code. After one minute while the carrier signal was bounced off half and dozen satellites, a female voice said in his ear: “Report.”

“It’s me. Talbot.”

The female voice laughed softly. “I know who this is. And strictly speaking, you’re not Talbot. You’re a clone, remember?”

“Damn you, I’m Glenn Talbot! And you’ll call me that you can work this end of the operation on your own!”

“Don’t get the veins in your skull to throbbing…Talbot. What have you and Banner been up to?”

“Right now he’s got me locked in the panic room of one of his secret desert labs while he’s outside fighting The Human Torch.”

The female voice lost its bantering, joking tone and was suddenly urgent and maybe even a bit scared: “Damn it all to hell! How did you let The Fantastic Four get involved in our business? Is Reed Richards inside the lab?”

“Calm down, calm down. This is the Original Human Torch we’re talking about. The android one.”

“From World War II? Wasn’t he deactivated or something?”

“Apparently not. He’s here and he’s very mad.”

“Banner hasn’t broken him?”

“Banner can’t even get his hands ON him.”

“So what do you want?”

“Banner has plenty of equipment here that we could use, including Gamma Radiation Projectors. I think it’s worth the risk of you pulling me out of here and taking this equipment along. You could use it at Serenity Base.”

“You’re right about that. Anything built by Bruce Banner is worth a thousand times its weight in gold. How does the fight look?”

The Leader threw a look at the monitor before answering. “They’re going at it full tilt. It could go on for hours. Or it could end in the next thirty seconds. There’s just no way to tell. We’ve got a chance here to lay our hands on priceless equipment it would take us decades to develop on our own. We’ve got to act and act NOW. They’ll never know you were here if you organize yourself fast enough.”

“Okay, we’ll risk it. I can have a team out there in 29 minutes. You be ready to assist as soon as they get there.”

“Lemme see if I get this straight,” Ammo said with slow suspicion. “You want up to just up and go huntin’ The Hulk with you? Man, I ain’t scared a’nuttin’ walkin’ on two legs but I ain’t stupid, either. Goin’ up against The Hulk without an A-bomb in your pocket don’t make sense.”

Hardbottle sighed. “I didn’t say anything about hunting down The Hulk. He won’t be hard to find. And I’m not planning on fighting him. Truth of the matter is, The United States government wants to offer him a deal. That’s my job. Your job is to keep me alive along enough to get The Hulk to listen to the deal.”

“That still sounds like bullshit, man. Why US? There’s lot more powerful dudes in here you could recruit.”

“A lot more powerful and a lot more high profile. Let’s face facts: you and funny face aren’t exactly high up on the supervillain food chain. I think the both of you rate somewhere between The Looter and Paste Pot Pete. But that’s exactly why I want you two. You don’t rate a blip on somebody’s radar. The press barely knows about you two I have a hard time believing they’d give a penguin’s pizzle if they heard about you being released. Neither one of you have supervillain buddies who give enough of a damn to come and help you out. But at the same time you’ve got the skills I want. Ammo, you’re an expert with every automatic weapon in existence as well as being a world-class hand-to-hand fighter. Velsing, you’re a top scientist and as Dreadknight you’ve got an array of hi-tech weapons that could come in handy.”

Velsing turned his head to look at Ammo, his silver winged skull mask flashing. “I believe him.”

“You trust this house nigga?”

“I said nothing about trust. I said I believe him. He has his own agenda and I have mine. I cannot be sent back to Latveria. Whatever The Hulk may do to me is insignificant compared to what Doom will do once he lays his hands on me.” Velsing turned to look at Hardbottle. “I am yours for as long as you require my services.”

“I wanna hear more ‘bout that five million bucks, first.” Ammo’s one eye glittered with greed.”

“I’ve got access to funds for this operation. Funds the government seized from A.I.M and HYDRA cells. It’s a nice chunk of change. Change I’m authorized to throw your way if you play ball. I’m not dumb enough to think that you two are going to risk your lives just for a Get Out Of Jail Free card. I’m willing to fork over five million dollars to each of you.”

“Cash?”

“If that’s how you want it. Or in diamonds, gold, a Bahamian bank account-”

Ammo licked his lips. “I’m in.”

Hardbottle smiled contently. “Gentlemen, I must stress one thing: I make this deal in good faith. You play nice with me; I hold up my end of the deal and everybody walks away happy. I don’t expect us to take long walks in the moonlight holding hands and making all kinds of plans but I do expect you do what I say when I say it and with the least amount of bullshit from your end. If at any time either of you gives me the slightest bit of attitude or difficulty I will kill the both of you dead as dogshit right on the spot and go on to lead a wonderfully productive and joyous life free from guilt with your money in my hip pocket. We crystal clear on this?”

Ammo grumbled a “yeah, man…I hear ya.”

Velsing’s response was a single nod.

“For now you’ll be returned to your cells. I have to fly out to California to recruit the final two members of my team and then I’ll be back for you two.”

“Why can’t we go with you?” Ammo asked.

“Because I don’t want you to. Any more dumbass questions you really don’t want to be asking me?”

“I guess not.”

The Guardsmen came to take Ammo and The Dreadknight away and Hardbottle reached inside his jacket for a plastic flask of gin and took a long pull from it. That had gone easier than he had thought it would. Ammo and The Dreadknight were just the sort he needed just in case he needed to have a couple of suckers to throw at any superheroic interference with his plans. And they would undoubtedly come in handy to put between Hardbottle and The Hulk when they met up again. He knew that once he dangled the five million dollars in front of them, they’d go for it. Not that Hardbottle had any intention of paying them so much as one red cent. The Vice-President had authorized a considerable sum of money for this operation but Hardbottle was thinking how nice that money would look sitting in a secret offshore account just waiting until Hardbottle reached retirement age. It wouldn’t be hard to shoot both Ammo and Dreadknight in the backs of their heads once the operation was over.

Provided that The Hulk didn’t kill them first and save him the trouble.

The Hulk grinned as he allowed himself to be driven to the ground by The Human Torch’s fire blasts. The Hulk had to give the man his due. Those blasts actually HURT. He had to be expending a helluva lot of energy to be able to make The Hulk feel those blasts and The Hulk had more than a hunch that The Torch’s gas tank was running lower than he let on. But it hardly mattered. By heading toward Las Vegas, The Hulk had drawn The Human Torch in closer so that he could do THIS–

The Hulk landed and whirled around, again displaying an uncanny speed and agility for one with such a large and misshapen frame. He slammed both his palms together with titanic force, creating a massive sonic boom that flattened cacti and other vegetation, sending The Human Torch tumbling wildly through the air, his flame extinguished completely. He spun like a poorly hit shuttlecock, arms and legs spread wide as he sought to stabilize his out-of-control flight.

The ground was coming up fast and he desperately tried to ignite himself again so that he could slow his descent somewhat but he didn’t think he was going to have time before-

The Human Torch hit the ground hard, screamed in pain as he felt something inside of him go SNAP! and he rolled over and over and over, unable to stop. His body refused to work the way he wanted it to work and his vision had gone red. He was unable to breathe and there was a frightening coldness all up and down his back while his arms and legs felt like sacks of ice-cold mud. He felt something else break inside of him and suddenly nothing else was important except the horrible agony inside his chest. The Human Torch finally came to rest, covered in dirt, blood streaming from his mouth, ears and nostrils. His eyes were open and they had turned completely red with no pupils.

TH-BOOM! The Hulk landed nearby and the earth trembled as he stomped over to where The Torch lay and picked him up. The Hulk grinned in The Torch’s battered, bloody face. “So where’s all the talk now, Mr. Superhero? Still think you’re gonna take down The Hulk? C’mon, Mr. Superhero, impress me some more with your tough talk. Gimme a good laugh before I bite your head off.”

The Human Torch managed a feeble smile with his mangled lips. “Good…trick…you had…Banner…never saw it…coming…”

“That’s what you get for being such an know-it-all asshole, Hammond. Any last words before I put your pilot light out for good?”

“Just…two…”

“Oh, which ones?”

“Flame…ON.”

The Human Torch had an ace up his sleeve as well. His ‘nova-burst’ which expended all the stored energy in his body in one apocalyptic burst of intense heat so powerful that there was virtually no difference between the ‘nova-burst’ and a low grade nuclear device.

To put it simply, The Human Torch could create a near nuclear explosion at will. And so he did.

And The Hulk and The Human Torch vanished in a white-hot inferno.

NEXT: Well…gee…THAT doesn’t sound very promising for either one of ‘em, does it? Come back next issue to see if The Hulk has survived or if we’ve changed the name of this series to HARDBOTTLE & FRIENDS.