Frank Castle, the vigilante known as the Punisher, has come to Colorado to take care of its drug problem when he meets the city’s defender, Man-Pussy. Along with his youthful ward, Mew-Mew, the two vow to end the Punisher’s violent ways by any means necessary…

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT

Part II

By Tobias Christopher

Frank opened his eyes, seeing that he was sitting in a small cell. Chip was still passed out next to him, lying on a cot.

“Chip, wake up,” said Frank as he looked outside the cell into what looked like an underground cave. Around the place was millions of dollars’ worth of expensive computer equipment; a giant cat shaped car; an extensive crime lab; and two poles that headed up toward what Frank guessed was the Bates mansion.

“Ah, good, our friends are awake,” said Man-Pussy as Chip started coming around. “We can begin their reprogramming. Soon the Punisher and his youthful ward will be wholesome crime-fighters, just like us, Mew-Mew.”

“What the hell kind of drugs are you on?” asked Chip as Mew-Mew gasped.

“He owes a quarter to the swear jar,” said the boy. Chip reached into his pocket and handed Mew-Mew a whole dollar.

“There’s a buck, so I just bought three more swears. Now… are you insane fuckers fucking serious about this shit?” asked Chip bluntly.

“That’s the type of attitude that’s led to us having to reprogram your dirty vigilante ways,” said Man-Pussy as he looked at Frank. “You’ve been awfully silent since you awoke.”

“There’s a gun shipment coming in that needs to be stopped,” said Frank as he grabbed Man-Pussy by the collar and pulled him toward the bars. “If even one of those guns hit the streets, I’m holding you personally responsible.”

Man-Pussy pulled away, looking at Mew-Mew. “It looks like it’s up to us to put a stop to this horrible scheme. We’ll stop those guns, and prove to the world that the Punisher’s ways of violence are not the answer.”

“Pardon me, Man Man-Pussy,” said Alfonso as he stood at the doorway. “But Aunt Xavier is waiting for you and the young master at the dinner table.”

“We’ll start Frank’s rehabilitation after dinner,” replied Man-Pussy as he looked at Mew-Mew. “I trust we can leave these two alone while we’re gone. After all, no villain has ever escaped the grasp of Man-Pussy.”

The two walked toward the stairs as Frank looked over at Chip. “You can pick the locks, can’t you?”

“These things look like they were made in the 60’s, of course I can,” replied Chip as he got to work.

“The exit’s that way,” Mew-Mew said as he came in, removing his mask as he walked up to the cell. “Look, I don’t have long, but go easy on the old man. He’s dumb as shit, but he means well.”

Chip just stared blankly at the boy. “Did you just–”

“Yeah, I fucking swear, who doesn’t?” asked Mew-Mew as he opened the door. “I’m just playing along until the old man kicks it. Then who do you think inherits his fucking fortune? The youthful ward, that’s who. Then I get to retire from this shit and live out my days on a tropical island with beautiful women and no one dressing me up in tights.”

“Reach for that rainbow, kid,” said Chip as Frank stopped and looked around.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” said Mew-Mew as he pushed them toward the door. “Now get going and get those fucking guns off the street.”

“You’re not that bad kid, see you around,” said Chip as he followed Frank out the door.

As they walked out of the place, Frank took out some of the gas canisters he’d taken. “Knockout gas? Shark repellant? This guy is nuts. Should have torched the place before we left.”

“You heard the kid, the old man’s nuts, but he’s not dangerous,” replied Chip. “Besides, I got a look at his Pussy Computer. I think I can hack it if we need to.”

“Then get hacking, he might have info on this gun ring that we could use,” said Frank as they headed back toward town.

Adam Bates and his youthful ward, Richard Cheese, were sitting around the dinner table as Alfonso served them. Also at the table was Aunt Xavier, who had the build of a bald Englishmen, but who was wearing a long red wig and makeup. Her Adam’s apple was also completely noticeable.

“So, how are my boys doing tonight?” asked Aunt Xavier in a manly English tone.

“Richard and I spent the entire day bonding,” replied Adam. “In fact, we’re going to take in a show soon. That night should end with a real bang.”

“It’s so good of you to take in a lad like Richard, who had nowhere to go when his parents were killed in that high wire act,” said Aunt Xavier. “It’s a shame that the person who cut that wire was never brought to justice.”

“Yes, a real… shame,” said Adam as he lowered his head and continued eating.

“Could we have one meal where my dead parents don’t come up?” asked Richard, no longer feeling hungry. “Can I be excused?”

“Not feeling well?” asked Aunt Xavier. “Perhaps I should take your temperature. Alfonso, fetch me the rectal thermometer–”

“No!” shouted Richard. “I’m just… not hungry is all. I think I’ll go study or something.”

Running from the table, Richard ran upstairs. He didn’t know how long he’d be able to put up with this so-called ‘family’.

“That’s odd,” said Chip as he sat in the van. “I’ve looked through Man-Pussy’s computer files, and someone’s been going through a lot of trouble covering their tracks when making outside calls and bank transactions.”

Frank looked at the computer. “I think Adam Bates is a bigger nutjob than we realized. He’s embezzling money from his own company, but for what? We might have to be prepared for more than just those gunrunners. Speaking of which–”

“I know where they’re going to be, it wasn’t hard to pick out which of the many shitholes this town has to offer where this is going down at,” replied Chip. “And of course, which one just happened to be owned by our friend Adam Bates.”

“Something’s still not right about this,” said Frank as he looked up from the computer. “There’s still a few pieces missing with this Bates guy, but what?”

“How did the Punisher escape from the Pussy Cell?” asked Man-Pussy as he looked at Mew-Mew. “That vigilante is on the loose to kill people and we have to stop him.”

“Golly, Man-Pussy, how do we stop him?” asked Mew-Mew, barely even paying attention.

“First we have to stop those guns from hitting the streets, then we’ll worry about the Punisher,” replied Man-Pussy. “To the Pussy Wagon!”

“So, what’s the plan?” asked Chip as he sat in the van, watching the warehouse through binoculars.

Frank armed his sniper rifle as he looked up from packing it into its case. “I take the fuckers out quickly and silently. Then we blow the fuckin’ place up so those guns don’t fall into the wrong hands.”

“I don’t know, having laser guns in your arsenal sounds pretty sweet,” replied Chip.

“If I’m going to kill someone, I’m going to do it the old-fashioned way, with bullets and gasoline,” said Frank as he got ready to move out. “Why fuck with the classics?”

Soon Frank was climbing the side of the warehouse, where he’d sneak through the window and set up in a place where he could pick the men off quickly, cleanly, and easily. It would be a quick job with, hopefully, no complications. He finished setting up his sniper rifle and scope just in time for the gun smugglers to arrive.

Frank got the first man in his sights and got ready to squeeze the trigger, but just as he was about to fire, the Pussy Wagon burst through the doors of the warehouse.

“Oh, shit,” said Frank.

“Oh, shit,” said Chip, who was watching from the van across the street.

“Oh, shit,” said Mew-Mew as he looked around before he noticed Man-Pussy staring at him. “I mean… Golly!”

“This was definitely not part of the plan,” said Frank as headed for the stairwell, dropping the sniper rifle, but grabbing the two .38’s out of the back of his pants as Man-Pussy and Mew-Mew started fighting the gun smugglers.

“Just be sure not to hurt them too badly, old chum,” said Man-Pussy as the man who had intended to buy the guns unpacked one of the laser rifles while everyone was fighting. “We’ll have this wrapped up before you can say–”

A zapping noise was heard as Man-Pussy looked over at Mew-Mew, who was staring down at a growing pool of blood in his chest. “What the fuck?”

As Mew-Mew fell to his knees and hit the ground, Man-Pussy raced over to his youthful ward.

“Mew-Mew?” asked Man-Pussy as he pulled off the young man’s mask. “Richard?”

“I really have to thank you, Man-Pussy,” said the man with the laser rifle as he stepped into view. As he did, he pulled off his hat, revealing his identity as–

“Alfonso?” asked Man-Pussy as he held his sidekick in his arms. “What’s going on?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” asked Alfonso with a laugh. “I’m going to take these guns and sell them, making a fortune. And thanks to you, I won’t have to use the money I embezzled from you to buy them. And now that you’re going to die alongside your only heir, I’ll also inherit your fortune. Your stupidity has caused me to win the entire jackpot.”

“You were my trusted servant,” said Man-Pussy. “You were like family.”

“Family? I’ve wiped your ass since you were eight years old,” replied Alfonso. “You should have died with your parents that night at the theater, at least that’s how I’d planned it. But the assassin chickened out. I would have killed you myself if I wouldn’t have been declared suspect #1. But now I can pin your murders on some random street thug.”

“You son of a bitch,” said Man-Pussy as Alfonso blew his head off with the laser in a burst of blood, bone, and brains, just as Frank opened fired, putting every round in his .38 into Alfonso’s head.

Frank, what the hell’s going on? asked Chip over Frank’s earpiece as Frank felt Mew-Mew’s pulse.

“Call 911, the kid’s been shot, but he’s still alive,” answered Frank as he picked the boy up. He still had to make sure that the rest of the guns were destroyed as planned. By the time the police and ambulance arrived, they found Richard Cheese, the youthful ward of Adam Bates, patched up the best Frank could do, on the sidewalk as the warehouse went up in flames.

“Now would be a good time to get the hell out of town,” said Chip as he sat behind the wheel, with Frank in the back. “What do you think’s going to happen to the kid?”

“He’s going to get his wish,” replied Frank bluntly as the van headed out of town.

Epilogue 1
One Week Later

Richard Cheese was laying in the hospital bed, with Aunt Xavier at his bedside as the doctor and the lawyer talked to him.

“We have good news and bad news,” said the lawyer.

“What’s the bad news?” asked Richard.

“That gunshot paralyzed you from the waist down,” said the doctor. “You’ll never walk again.”

“And the good news?” asked Aunt Xavier.

“Being Adam Bate’s only heir, you stand to inherit his fortune,” replied the lawyer. “After taxes, you will receive… six hundred–”

“Million dollars?” asked Richard excitedly.

“No, just six hundred,” replied the lawyer. “It turns out Adam Bates blew his entire fortune on renovating a cave under his mansion and stocking it with millions of dollars’ worth of equipment.”

Epilogue 2
California
Several Weeks Earlier

Howard Saint was sitting behind his desk, looking at the paper in front of him. It was the Indianapolis Star, reporting another Punisher sighting. This time he’d wiped out a small slaver ring before leaving town.

“He’s getting closer,” said Saint as he looked across the table at the man sitting in the chair. ‘Little’ Glen Hanson was 250 lbs, wearing a black suit with a ten gallon cowboy hat on his head. “Once that little punk sends the Punisher my way, I can kiss everything goodbye, unless I kill him first.”

“So, that’s why you called us?” asked ‘Little’ Glen.

“Actually, I was hoping we could leave your big brother out of this one,” said Saint nervously. ‘Little’ Glen’s brother scared the shit out of him. The Hanson brothers had a reputation for being sadistic killers to the point where even a few super-powered heroes were afraid to go up against them. “Especially after the last time. My oldest son still wets his bed whenever his name is brought up.”

John Saint was a muscular 200 lb. college freshman, mind you, who wasn’t afraid of anything except for ‘Big’ Doug Hanson.

“Well, fortunately you caught me while Doug was taking a nap,” replied ‘Little’ Glen. “I’ll take care of your Punisher problem. It’s not going to be cheap, though.”

“I’m about to become the fucking Governor of California,” replied Saint, folding his hands as he sat forward. “Money is no object. Just get the job done, kill the Punisher and bring me Chip Carter’s fuckin’ heart in a box so I know the little prick’s dead this time!”

‘Little’ Glen stood up to leave, and as he was walking out of the door, brushed past John Saint. Seeing the man walking away, he knew that ‘Big’ Doug wasn’t far away. A stream of urine suddenly started running down his leg and out of the cuff of his pant leg.

To Be Continued…