SOAP ON THE ROPES

By Tobias Christopher

Six Months Ago

A knock came at the door as a beautiful woman in a bathrobe answered, finding the pizza delivery man on the other side. He was tall, blonde, and wearing a ‘Pizza Slut’ delivery man’s uniform.

“One hot steaming pizza,” the man said. “That’ll be $19.50.”

“I’m afraid I don’t have any money on me,” the woman told him with lust in her voice. “Perhaps I can pay you in . . . another way?”

“I also take debit and credit,” the man told her with a smile.

“Are you sure you don’t want to take another form of payment?” the woman asked, touching her chest through her robe.

“I’m afraid I can’t take checks, ma’am,” the man told her as he continued to stand there, with the pizza getting cold.

“Maybe we can work out . . . another plan of payment?’ the woman seductively suggested.

“I don’t think I can take foreign denominations,” the man replied. “Look, the pizza’s getting cold, so–”

“Cut!” the director shouted. “Soap, what the fuck are you doing!? The woman has no money, so she’s offering to pay you with sex! You’re supposed to drop the pizza, and your pants, and fuck her! What is wrong with you?”

“Oh, I thought we were supposed to add realism to the plot,” Martin Soap, professional porn actor, former police officer and ally of the Punisher, said. “I was just trying to keep it real.”

“Keep it real? KEEP IT REAL!?” the director shouted. “This is a porno, not a reality show! You bring the pizza, she can’t pay, so you both fuck! What is so hard about that concept?”

As he shouted, the director clutched his heart and fell off of his chair, hitting the ground as everyone gathered around. It turned out that working with Martin Soap – Tom Scruise as he was known in the porn community – gave him such high blood pressure that he finally collapsed.

“I don’t know, I’m starting to think that working in the porn industry might not be the right job for me,” Soap told his friend Johnny they were sitting at the bar for drinks later that night. Johnny was in the industry, as well, and immediately struck a friendship with Soap the day he arrived. “You’d think that’d be the perfect place for a guy with a ten inch johnson.”

“You know, you could always come over to the gay side of the porn industry,” Johnny told him. He was eighteen years old with shaggy brown hair and blue eyes. He looked far too innocent to be working in such an industry, but that’s another story for another time. “We’re about to start filming the ‘Lord of the Cock Rings’ trilogy, and we need someone to play Gandalf the Pink. I’m playing Fro-Hole.”

“It’s a nice offer, but I think it might be time to retire from the industry,” Soap told him as he finished his drink. “I think it might be time to move back to New York, maybe go into business for myself.”

“Didn’t you hate living in New York?” Johnny asked. “I thought they treated you like shit there.”

“They did, but maybe I’ve spent enough time away that the people have changed,” Soap replied as he finished his beer.

New York
Two Weeks Later

“Out of the way, asshole!” Soap heard as he was nearly ran down by a speeding mini-van. He jumped out of the way just in time to see a nun sticking her hand out of the window, flipping him off.

“It’s good to be home,” Soap said to himself as he picked up his bag and started walking. “First step is to find a job. This time, I’ll be a self-made man. Maybe I’ll invent something and make money that way.”

The Hershey Company

Soap was standing in front of a group of businessmen to pitch his latest project. He had charts, graphs, and other items as he presented his idea, which was sure to make millions.

“Gentlemen, I offer you the next idea for your company,” Soap said as he held up a tiny ball of chocolate. “A ball of chocolate with a squirt of pure chocolate syrup in the middle, so that when you bite into it, it releases a delicious splash of chocolate into your mouth.”

Soap passed the chocolate out as the men took a bite, and soon all of them were in agreement that it was a good idea.

“So, tell us, what do you call these delightful treats?” one of the businessmen asked.

“I call them the Hershey Squirts,” Soap replied as the men started spitting the chocolate out.

Soap went on to create another invention, which he took to the head of a company that produced office supplies. As he stood in front of the heads of the company, he produced his latest invention, a tiny hole puncher.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the next generation of stapler,” Soap told them as he passed the hole puncher around. “It’s a stapler that can fit in your pocket for easy travel, instead of lugging around those big, heavy staplers.”

“This is marvelous,” the woman said. “Do you have a name for it?”

“I call them ‘baby punchers’,” Soap told them. Needless to say, the name didn’t go over too well.

Soap sat at the bar, looking down into his drink as he sighed. His quest to become a self-made man wasn’t getting him anywhere. He’d been in New York for a few weeks now and was having zero luck. Maybe it was just this town that was bringing him down. For a few moments he pondered going back to California and getting back into the porn industry, which is when he heard the commotion from across the bar.

The woman had just come in for a drink with some friends from her office, when some overly eager guys started hitting on her. Soap downed the rest of his scotch and walked over.

“Excuse me, gentlemen,” Soap told them. “The lady wants you to leave her alone.”

“And who’s going to make me?” the larger man asked with a vicious grin. “You? I’ll shove a pool cue so far up your ass that–”

It was then that a pool cue whacked across the back of the man’s head, sending him to the ground. The woman stood over him as the other two guys got angered and prepared to advance on her. Soap punched one of the men, before the other grabbed him. Soap broke free of the man’s grip, stomped on his foot and uppercut him. The man fell backward as the woman hit him with the broken pool cue.

“Thank you,” the woman said. She was wearing a white dress, with long blonde hair and green eyes. “You’re the only man in this place who even bothered helping.”

“Well, I couldn’t let a pretty lady be manhandled by these guys,” Soap smiled as he extended his hand. “I’m Martin Soap.”

“Anna,” the woman replied as she took his hand and shook it.

And that was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Soap and Anna became good friends that night, and within weeks had become very intimate. A month later, the two were sharing an apartment in Queens. Anna had gotten Soap a job at the office where she worked, and the two were very happy. Soap’s life couldn’t be better.

One night, the two lay in bed together as Anna looked over at Soap. “I got a call from my brother today. He needs a place to stay for a while.”

“A brother? I didn’t even know you had a family,” Soap said as he looked at her.

“You remember that news story about Kansas?” Anna asked. “Well, he got out of the city just in time. He has nowhere to go, so I was thinking . . .”

“He can crash on the couch for a while,” Soap told her. “I’d love to get to know your family. Any other relatives I should know about?”

“I was hoping it would never come up, but,” Anna sighed as she stared away from him. “My father died several years ago, just before I’d graduated high school. Murdered in cold blood by a very evil man. My mother ended up killing herself not too soon after. It was just me and my little brother, with no one to take us in. I found work to support us, but Tommy had been into foster care because he was so young. We barely kept in touch because he had been moved around so much. I’d lost track of him until recently.”

“That’s so horrible,” Soap said as he wrapped an arm around her. “Did they catch your father’s killer?”

“No,” Anna said, trying not to cry over it. “But I swore that one day, I would find him and make him pay for what he did.”

“You know, I still have contacts in the NYPD, maybe I could pull some strings and help you,” Soap suggested.

“You’d do that?” Anna asked.

“For you, I’d do anything,” Soap replied with a kiss before they ended up making love again that night.

A few days later, Soap was sitting on the couch, watching the news.

“Another report of a masked vigilante, this time shooting several gang members outside of a nightclub in Queens,” the newscaster reported, before being interrupted by a knock at the door.

“You must be Tommy,” Soap said as he opened the door, seeing the young college student standing on the other side. He looked just like Anna, only with shortcut brown hair and more masculine features. “I’m Martin Soap.”

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Soap,” Tommy said meekly as he walked in with his bags. “Thanks for letting me stay here for a while. I kind of had to leave Kansas in a hurry.”

“Yeah, I’d heard about that,” Soap said as he poured them both a drink. “It’s nice to meet Anna’s younger brother. She’s told me so much about you. She hates having missed out on so much time with you.”

“I hate having missed that time, too,” Tommy told him as he took the drink and swallowed it in one gulp.

“Everything alright, Tommy?” Soap asked as he sat down on the couch next to him. “Did you lose someone close in the destruction?”

“I lost someone, but he’s still alive,” Tommy said as he looked at Soap. “I fell in love with a guy just before I left town.”

“You mean you’re–”

“That’s not a problem, is it?” Tommy asked.

“No!” Soap quickly replied. “No, it’s not a problem at all. So if this guy’s Mr. Right, where is he now?”

“Said his line of work wouldn’t allow for a relationship,” Tommy replied as he leaned back. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be unloading on you. Tell me, how’s Anna doing? I haven’t seen her in years.”

“She’s great,” Soap said with a smile. “She’s the most generous, giving person I’ve ever seen.”

A woman in white heels, a white dress with mini-skirt, and a white expressionless mask walked out of a building, holding a detonator in one hand, and a smoking gun in the other. As she got far enough away from the abortion clinic, she pushed the button. A fireball shot out of the building, sending glass and debris everywhere as Elite calmly walked back to her car and started driving away.

Elite had been cleansing the neighborhood of the more vile elements for the last few months. The gangs, the homeless, the drug dealers, the vandals, they were all causing the quality of life to deteriorate. Several years ago, the original Elite had sought to bring a better way of life to the people of New York. But his ideas were flawed, too small-minded.

The new Elite had much grander plans in store for New York and it all began with the death of the Punisher.

“Yep, Tommy, I have a feeling that everything’s going to great for us from here on out,” Soap smiled as he looked over at Tommy “Nothing bad can possibly ruin things.”

As Soap said that, Frank Castle was on his way to New York, ready to wage war on anything and anyone who stood in the way of him reclaiming his son.