“Ugh…”

Light suddenly penetrated Kurt Darkholme’s bright yellow eyes. He blinked a few times in an attempt to adjust his eyes to the sudden light. He brought himself to a sitting position in the bed he found himself in. A headache pounded at his temples, and he rubbed his forehead with his three-fingered hand.

“Kurt?”

Moving his hand away, he saw a woman of Puerto Rican descent enter the room. Her long, brown hair was braided and the braids were pulled into a ponytail. She wore a pair of small glasses on her nose and a lab coat over medical scrubs.

“Who are you?” he asked. “Where am I? Where are the others?”

“Relax, everything’s okay,” she replied. “My name is Cecilia Reyes, I’m a doctor. Your friends brought you here to me.”

“How do I know you’re telling the truth?” asked Kurt. He was suddenly beginning to get very frightened of the situation. He had never seen this woman before in his life, and he had no idea if she was telling the truth or if this was some sort of SHIELD medical bay.

“I’m a friend of Logan’s,” she said. “You were fighting those mutants in the tunnels, right? The Marauders I think they’re called?”

Kurt began to relax slightly as she spoke.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” she asked.

“I… I just defeated Blockbuster…” replied Kurt. “And then… everything went black.”

“Okay, you were ambushed by one of the Marauders,” said Cecilia. “You lost a lot of blood and you sustained some massive injuries. Your friends got you here as soon as they could, but you were unconscious. Kurt, you’ve just awoken from a coma.”

“What about the others?” asked Kurt. “What happened to Peter and Kitty?”

“Peter’s fine, he took a few hits, but nothing that was incurable,” said Cecilia.

“And Kitty?”

“…Kitty’s a different story.”

“What do you mean?” A flash of light and Kurt vanished from the bed. Suddenly, he rematerialized right before Cecilia and gripped the collar of her coat. “What happened to her?”

“Kurt… please… let me go,” she said.

“Not until you—”

Kurt was cut off as an invisible force pushed him away from Cecilia and he hit the ground. He shook his head and looked up at her in shock.

“That was my mutant power,” she said. “I can generate an invisible forcefield around my body. May not seem like much, but it comes in handy when recovering coma patients try to get violent.”

“What’s going on here?” asked Kurt. “Where are my friends?”

“Kitty is in the next room, I’ve been trying to analyze her condition and find a way to help her.”

“Help her? Help her with what? What condition does she have?”

“She’s become frozen in her phased state. An after-effect from the battle with the Marauders.”

“What? How’s that possible?”

“I wish I knew,” said Cecilia. “Needless to say, at the moment, I’m trying to do everything I can to help her. If you want to see her, you can. But she won’t be able to speak and without Jean here, there’s no way to read her thoughts.”

“But where’s Jean?”

“I don’t know,” said Cecilia. “The others have been missing for about a day or so. I have no idea where they went or when they’ll be back.”

“Take me to see Kitty then,” said Kurt. “Man… this is a mess. Logan must be pissed.”

“Actually, that’s something else we should probably talk about, Kurt…”

MOJOVISION

Part IV: Cancellation

By Dino Pollard

“So… you’re Phoenix, huh?”

Jean Grey offered no reply. Her body lay prone on a metal table, shackled down. A helmet covered her head, with flashing LED lights on it. The man called Longshot moved towards her and examined the helmet. He lifted his hand, which only had four fingers on each, and ran those digits over the helmet. He searched for some way to release it, but wasn’t sure how.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

Longshot sighed and looked to see the six-armed woman called Spiral. She served as Mojo’s head talent scout. She also had… intimate knowledge of Longshot.

“Hey Spiral, how you doing, babe?” he asked.

“Don’t ‘babe’ me,” she replied. “You think I’m gonna fall for that bullshit?”

“Spiral… sweetheart… I’m being honest here. What say we just pick up where we left off?”

“And where would that be?” asked Spiral. “Before or after you slept with my sister?”

“Okay, okay… I fucked up, I admit it.” He lifted his arms up in a gesture of peace. Spiral stepped closer towards him.

“Get away from the woman,” she said. “You’re not going to screw up Mr. Mojo’s latest venture.”

“I just want what’s mine. You know just as well as anyone that I’m not built for an ensemble cast. I’m a solo hero, through and through. No way can Mojo expect me to draw the same crowds when I have to share the spotlight with these leather-clad losers.”

“Look who’s talking. You think I’m going to let you get away with this, huh?”

“Well… not without a fight, anyway.”

Longshot’s hand quickly moved to his belt and he hurled three daggers. Spiral dodged them, but when she looked up again, Longshot’s foot came crashing down on her face. Before her body could hit the ground, she planted her hands on the floor and used them to flip back upright. Longshot attacked again, but this time Spiral was prepared. She fought against him with all six arms, but his speed allowed him to keep up and block each of her attacks.

“You don’t have a choice in the matter, Ali-baby.”

“The hell I don’t!” exclaimed Dazzler. She lifted up her arms and unleashed a bright display of light. The effect blinded Mojo. Dazzler ran for the door, but found Domo blocking her path.

“Are you going to try to stop me?”

“Not at all, Miss Blaire,” said Domo. He stepped aside from the door and Dazzler left the room. Once she entered the hallway, however, she found herself facing off against a dozen dog-like creatures that seemed to be made out of metal.

“Of course, just because I refuse to dirty my hands doesn’t mean the warwolves have any such beliefs.”

Dazzler backed up and the warwolves began to advance. They growled as they came closer to her. She kept her power effect down, instead choosing to soak in the sound they were generating.

“Deeeelicious!”

Dazzler looked back towards the door and saw Mojo and Domo exiting the office, following behind the warwolves. Mojo had a huge grin on his face, and had obviously quickly recovered from her distraction.

“Ali, Ali, Ali…” Mojo shook his head and wagged a finger. “You should have known better than to try something like this. Don’t you know my warwolves aren’t very friendly with actresses who try to break their contract?”

“What contract?!” asked Dazzler. “I didn’t sign anything!”

“Domo… is that true, did she not sign a contract?”

“It is, sir.”

“DOMO!” exclaimed Mojo. “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?! SHE HAS TO SIGN A CONTRACT, YOU KNOW SHE HAS TO SIGN A CONTRACT, BECAUSE IF SHE DOESN’T SIGN A CONTRACT THEN WE HAVE NO HOLD OVER HER AND THERE’S NO WAY WE CAN FORCE HER TO WORK FOR US, NOW IS THERE?”

“That’s actually fairly accurate, sir,” said Domo.

“Ugh!” Mojo let out an exasperated sigh. He rubbed his forehead with those long, bony fingers. “Thinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthink…” He snapped his fingers and looked up with a glimmer in his eye. “I’ve got it!”

“Yes sir?” asked Domo.

“We get her to sign a contract!”

“Brilliant, sir.” Domo rolled his eyes.

“Hey Ali, you feel like signing a contract?” asked Mojo.

“I thought I was already clear that I wasn’t going to,” replied Dazzler.

“Oh… well okay, then there’s nothing we can do,” said Mojo.

“…there isn’t?” Dazzler was shocked at his response.

“No, of course not. What’s done is done, no contract, no actress. No actress, no show. End of story.”

“So… so I can go?” asked Dazzler.

“Well we certainly can’t use you in our productions, now can we?” asked Mojo. “Not without a contract. Anyhoo… warwolves, cancel her.”

The warwolves began to advance on her once again.

“Wait, what’s going on?!” she exclaimed. “I thought you said this was done, that without a contract there was nothing you could do?!”

“Oh I did,” said Mojo. “But see, without a contract, that means you’re completely useless to us. And I hate useless people, don’t I, Domo?”

“You despise them, o gargantuan one.”

“Exactly, so I might as well have you killed since you’re no use to me,” said Mojo.

The warwolves advanced once more. One of them leapt foward and Dazzler unleashed a massive light burst to blind them. She hurled concussive bursts of light at the warwolves, trying to keep them away from her. At that moment, a door between Mojo and the warwolves was smashed open and Spiral flew out. Dazzler watched as a young, handsome man with blond hair and blue eyes stepped forth from the door. He wore a black leather spy suit and one his right eye would periodically flash with energy.

“Sorry Mojo, but the ratings just came in. No cancellations today.”

“Longshot…” Mojo’s voice was laced with venom and the type of camp usually found in B-movie villains. “Cancel him!”

The warwolves leapt into action, and Longshot countered their attacks. He moved gracefully past each of them, hurling dagger after dagger. He sustained precious little wounds, each dagger striking its mark flawlessly. Dazzler joined in, continuing to use her powers on the warwolves. More warwolves entered the scene, charing down the corridor.

“Come with me if you want to live,” said Longshot. He grabbed Dazzler’s arm and pulled her along with him. The two ran inside one of the nearby doors, entering a soundstage. They charged past the actors, filming some sort of sitcom in a man’s apartment. Longshot pulled Dazzler into another soundstage, where surgeons were performing plastic surgery on a patient. The next soundstage was a soap opera, and as they raced through, they finally found the warwolves had been lost in their chase. Longshot pulled her into a deserted soundstage and the two sat there for a few moments to catch their bearings.

“Damn, what a rush!” he exclaimed.

“A rush?” asked Dazzler. “We’re being chased by vicious… things and you look like you’re having the time of your life!”

“That’s because I am,” said Longshot. “This is what it’s all about, babe. Frantic chase scenes, the hero outwitting the villain and gaining a gorgeous romantic foil.”

“Umm… excuse me?” asked Dazzler. “What’s that about romantic foil?”

“You and me, of course. So tell me, when should we do the sex scene? Do we succumb to the heat of passion now when faced with a life-or-death situation?”

“No, we don’t!”

“Ah, I see,” said Longshot. “I guess it’s gonna be one of those, ‘banter back and forth until the bad guy is defeated and then have sex to celebrate.'”

“No, it’s not that, either!” exclaimed Dazzler.

“It’s not?” Longshot looked puzzled. “So what is it, then? I mean, those are the only two options I can think of.”

“I’m not sleeping with you,” said Dazzler.

“But… you have to.”

“No I don’t!”

“Yes, you do! It’s the way these things work.”

“Okay…” Dazzler paused and took a breath. Then she looked Longshot in the eye and said, “listen to me very carefully. This is not a movie. We are not actors. We are in a situation where we could easily lose our lives. I’ve been there before. It’s not fun, it’s not entertaining and it’s definitely not romantic. It’s—”

Longshot pulled Dazzler’s head close to his and he planted his lips against hers, forcing his tongue inside her mouth. Dazzler pulled away and roughly smacked Longshot across the face.

“What the hell is your problem?!”

“That was it!” Longshot rubbed his cheek, where a red handprint was forming.

“What, your attempt to get castrated?!”

“No, the moment!”

“The… moment?”

“Yeah, you know, the moment!” he exclaimed. “The moment when the hero and the heroine are in a heated debate and their passion just takes over and they go at it!”

“Oh god…” Dazzler buried her face in her hands. “I am never watching another movie for as long as I live…”

MojoVision’s psychics have been using technology as well as their own natural telepathic abilities to keep the X-Men in captivity. The psychics have taken the X-Men’s fears and created scenarios where they are locked in them. In order to prevent the X-Men’s resident telepath from throwing a kink into Mojo’s plans, she was shackled and fitted with a neural inhibitor.

The problem with the neural inhibitor is it cannot stop everything. Instead of attempting a direct attack to break free, Jean Grey has instead chosen to allow her consciousness to slip out little by little into the minds of the psychics, slowly overtaking them. Once her own brain activity seems to die down, the Phoenix sinks its talons into the minds of the psychics. The resulting backlash forces the psychics to pass out from a massive neural attack.

The neural inhibitor helmet is suddenly removed and Jean Grey’s consciousness quickly returns to her body.

“Look, I don’t care what you do, but I’m going to find my friends,” said Dazzler.

“But… but we’re supposed to overthrow Mojo together!” said Longshot. “We haven’t even reached the climax yet!”

“And we won’t be reaching it, either,” said Dazzler. “Look, Longshot… for the last time, I don’t care what you’re used to! That’s not the way things work in the real worl—”

A bright flash of light interrupted Dazzler’s sentence. Standing there were Mojo, Spiral, Domo and a collection of warwolves.

“Spiral my dear, remind me to give you a raise,” said Mojo. “Now… we were talking about cancellations?”

A deafening explosion again interrupted. Once the smoke cleared, Cyclops, Phoenix, Beast, Thunderbird and Colossus were standing in the wake.

“Okay… which one of you assholes do I get to hit first?” asked Thunderbird, cracking his knuckles.

“No!” exclaimed Mojo. “Nononononononono!!! This is not supposed to happen! Warwolves, Spiral, cancel them all!”

“Excuse me, sir.” Domo laid his hand on Mojo’s shoulder. “But you may want to look over there.”

Mojo glanced towards a monitor Domo had pointed at. It replayed the footage from the battle with the warwolves and Longshot and Dazzler, as well as the footage of the X-Men’s loud entrance. A smile spread across Mojo’s face when he watched his star attraction interacting with Dazzler.

“That… that’s beautiful…” he said, a tear sliding down his cheek. “I’ve got it, Domo! Longshot! Your show is cancelled, forget it, it was shit, it’s over! Instead, I’ve got something better—Longshot: The Movie! It’ll be incredible! Lucas will have nothing on the budget we’re giving this project! Longshot, baby, you’re the next big thing! You’ll be the next James Bond, the next Indiana Jones, the next… whoever that guy is! Spiral! Teleport these rejects outta here! Too much baggage! Such drama queens! Go on, poof! Gone!”

An orb of light appeared in each of Spiral’s six hands and she hurled them at the six X-Men. They all vanished in a flash of light, then rematerialized in London where they were teleported from. Once they rematerialized, Cyclops looked to each of his teammates.

“…okay, can someone please tell me what the hell that was all about?”

NEXT: Family Ties