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- ICEMAN
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- JUBILEE
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- THE BEAST
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- STORM
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- BOOTYLICIOUS
BOOTYLICIOUS!
By Ryan Krupienski
The Xavier Institute
Bobby Drake walks down the crowded corridors of the lavish mansion, gently pushing his way past many of the students crowding the hallways. It’s been an adjustment, having so many people in this place, but Bobby doesn’t mind it. He never really thought about it in the past, but it’s been kind of nice to be able to pass all of his years of training and experience on to people who are presently in the same situation he used to be in. It helps him feel that all the years of hard work, all the sacrifices, are all the more worth it.
Turning around another corner, Bobby’s eyes settle on his destination – the office of his longtime friend, Henry McCoy. A minute later, the youngest of the original X-Men reaches the mahogany doors leading into the office, and he makes his way inside. Without a doubt, there waiting for him is Henry, sitting behind his desk and reviewing some papers. The blue-furred man looks up from his work and greets Bobby with a smile.
“Good morning, Robert,” Henry says, as Bobby takes a seat on the other side of the desk.
“Morning,” Bobby says. “What’s going on?”
“Oh, I’m just sifting through some student papers, always a pleasure,” Henry quips. “I honestly can’t wait until the new computer system is implented here – the students can do all their work electronically, I won’t have to continue attempting to grasp a pen with these brutish paws of mine.”
“Not to mention the kids can surf the internet while they’re supposed to be taking notes,” Bobby says, and Henry laughs. “I know I would be!”
“Well, do me a favor and please don’t encourage them,” Henry says. “My dear financial accounting teacher.”
“Hey!” Bobby retorts. “Accounting is fun. I love accounting.”
“Whatever you say,” Henry teases.
Bobby stretches his arms out and leans back in his seat a bit. “You know, this is all going a lot better than I expected. I’m actually enjoying being a teacher. Just some of these kids and their powers… freakin’ me out, man.”
“Ah, yes,” Henry says with a nod. “We do have a rather unique variety of mutant abilities. Though you know what they say about variety… it is the spice of life, my friend.”
“Yeah, guess you can only have so many telepaths and people who fire some sort of ‘energy blast’,” Bobby agrees with a roll of his eyes.
“My personal favorite would have to be young Tammy Lynne Baker,” Henry says with a smile. “Very interesting, that one.”
“Oh, the big fat chick?”
“Robert!”
“What?” Bobby says defensively. “She is… you know, big.”
“And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Be a little more sensitive, please,” Henry tells him. Suddenly, a lightbulb goes off inside the headmaster’s mind, and a playful grin crosses his face. “You know, I should probably inform you of this rumor I’ve heard going around the school…”
Bobby raises a curious eyebrow. “Oh?”
“It seems that one of the female students has a crush on you, Mister Drake,” Henry says, still grinning. “You haven’t heard?”
“No,” Bobby says, a look of suprise on his face. “So, uh, who is it?”
“Surprising, everyone else seems to be aware of this,” Henry says, easily repressing the urge to chuckle. “It’s none other than Bootylicious, of course.”
“WHAT?!” Bobby yells out, accompanying the outburst with a gasp. He quickly settles back down and says, “Oh, wait… this is just a joke.”
“Oh no,” Henry insists with a shake of his head, “I’m serious, Robert. Just ask any of the students.”
“You know I can’t do that, it’d be… weird,” Bobby says. “Are you… are you sure?”
Henry nods and replies, “Very much so. It’s all over the school.”
Bobby gulps back a lump in his throat, a horrified expression on his face. “Oh this is great…”
“It’s nothing to worry about,” Henry says, “honestly. And you actually need to get moving, young sir, as I believe you have a class to teach.”
Bobby nods in understanding and gets up from his chair, his eyes still wide with terror. “Oh… okay, Hank. I’ll see ya later…”
Bobby makes his way out of the room and once he’s gone, Henry lets out a hearty laugh. “Oh Robert,” he says as he returns his attention to his paperwork, “you’re not the only one who can pull off a practical joke…”
Approximately fourteen hours later, Bobby Drake is lying in his bed, trying to get to sleep. It’s not use, though; Hank’s little revelation from this morning hasn’t left Bobby’s thoughts all day. Tammy Lynne Baker? Bootylicious?! She likes him! Not only is she a statutory rape charge waiting to happen, but she’s… well, she’s Bootylicious.
Bobby rolls to his side and closes his eyes, trying to will himself to fall asleep. It seems to work for a moment, but seconds later, Bobby’s eyes shoot back open, and he lets out a sigh. Why is he letting this bother him so much? It’s not like anything’s going to come of it. So what if some girl has a little crush on him? That’s what girls in high school do!
Bobby rolls over again, resting on his back for a moment before turning to the other side. He jumps out of the bed suddenly when he notices that someone else is lying next to him.
“AAAHHH!” he yells as he leaps out from under the covers, taking one of the pillows with him. He places the pillow in front of him, covering up his boxer-clad form, and stares with wide, frightened eyes at the figure before him.
She’s big and beautiful, wearing a red teddy and matching thigh-high stockings. She holds a Creamsicle in one hand, gently sliding between her lips, in and out of her mouth. “Well howdy there,” she says in a soft, seductive tone between tastes of her popsicle, “sexy.”
“What the HELL are you doing in here?!” Bobby yells at her. “You need to get out! NOW!”
“Oh Mistah Drake,” Bootylicious pouts, “Ah only want to love you!” She taps the part of the bed in front of her and says, “Come on and give me some sugah.”
“OH GOD HELP ME!” Bobby shrieks, his breathing becoming more rapid. He makes a mad dash for the door, and tears it open – and off the hinges – in a panic. To his utter dismay, three more girls – all hefty and gorgeous like Bootylicious – stand there waiting for him. He gulps nervously, and slowly backs away from them. “Oh no… no no no…”
“Mistah Draaaaake,” Bootylicious coos, and Bobby turns around to look at her, “you ain’t goin’ nowhere. Mah best friends is gonna help me make sure o’ that!”
“What the HELL is this?!” Bobby yells, looking back between Bootylicious and her posse. “This is insane!”
“But Ah only want to love you!” Bootylicious whines. “Ah just want to get married and have lots of babies and live on a farm in Kentucky!”
“WHAT?!?!” Bobby starts to feel like his heart is beating out of his chest, and his eyes seem to bulge out of their sockets. “THIS IS FUCKING NUTS!”
Without a second thought, Bobby ices his body up and go crashing through the wall of his room and rushes down the halls of the mansion. Bootylicious sighs and looks her friends. “If y’all could bring his sexy-hot ass back in here… Ah’d much appreciate it.”
The girls nod and head off, and Bootylicious picks up a picture that sits atop the nightstand next to the bed. She strokes it, a picture of Bobby, gently, and says, “Oh, Bobby… we’re gonna be so happy togethuh…”
“AAAAAHHHHH!”
Bobby’s cries are heard in the distance by Jubilee, who’s sitting in the kitchen enjoying a tub of cookie dough ice cream. She’s startled when Bobby comes zipping into the room on an ice slide, and he crashes into the wall near the door to the outside. Jubilee winces in pain upon seeing Bobby’s accident and instantly goes to his side to help him up.
“Dude,” she says as her teammate stands back up, “what the hell?”
“Jubilee, oh thank goodness!” Bobby says, still frantic. “You’ve got to help me, SHE’S AFTER ME!”
“What?” Jubilee asks, puzzled. “Who’s after you? What’s going on?”
“Bootylicious!” Bobby tells her. “She… she just showed up in my bed, and she tried to have sex with me!”
“Whoa whoa, hold on,” Jubilee says, waving her hand in front of Bobby’s face. “She did WHAT?”
“I was just trying to sleep, and there she was! She’s talking about marrying me and having my kids and, and…”
Jubilee’s eyes widen in horror; Bobby Drake can NOT be allowed to reproduce.
“This is bad,” Jubilee says with a sigh. “We… we need to rally the troops.”
“How is this happening?!” Bobby cries. “WHY IS IT HAPPENING TO ME?!”
“Oh will you chill out!” Jubilee snaps at him. “No pun intended. Seriously, though… calm down. It’s only a dream, Drake.”
Bobby gives Jubilee a curious look. “What?”
“You are so obviously dreaming, okay?” Jubilee explains. “Whether or not that chick really likes you… do you really think she’d just slip into your bed and think she could get away with it? This whole situation’s just too crazy, man.”
Bobby looks at Jubilee, and suddenly feels a sense of calm come over him. “You… you’re right,” he says. “You’re right! Oh, you’re so right…”
“I know,” Jubilee says matter-of-factly. “Thing is, we still need to wake you up. So, like I said, we gotta rally the troops.”
“What good is that gonna do?” Bobby asks.
“Well, maybe if we can resolve this dream, you’ll wake up. Duh,” Jubilee says. She rolls her eyes, not understanding why Bobby can’t comprehend the obvious.
“Oh, okay,” Bobby responds. “Okay, so…”
Suddenly, the two X-Men can hear loud pounding in the distance. The floor beneath their feet begins to tremble, as a massive quake rushes through the mansion.
“They’re here,” Bobby says, his eyes widening in horror once more. “Her friends…”
“Okay, let’s split up,” Jubilee says, pushing Bobby towards the door to the outside. “Check the prairie, see if anybody’s out there, I’ll round up anyone who’s in the mansion. GO!”
Bobby doesn’t waste a second and rushes out the door, briefly stopping for a second as a confused look crosses his face. “What the…? Prairie?”
Sliding out across the massive rolling meadows of the Xavier Institute’s grounds on a platform of ice, Bobby frantically searches for any sign of the other X-Men. Seeing as how it’s the middle of the night, he knows most of his teammates are probably tucked away in their beds, but there are a couple of them that have a knack for nocturnal strolls amongst nature. Even in the pitch black of midnight, he unmistakably spots one of them.
“ORORO!” he shouts out in relief, and the tall, ivory-haired woman turns to him, tilting her head curiously.
“Robert?” she half-asks. The young man lands on the ground close to her, and she can see a mix of frusteration and fear in his eyes. “What is it? Is something wrong?”
“Is something wrong? Yes, something’s very wrong!” Bobby responds frantically with a flail of his arms. “That girl… you know, that big one, Tammy Lynne… Bootylicious… she’s after me!!”
Ororo furrows her brow in confusion. “What exactly do you mean… ‘after you’?”
“Somehow… I, uh, ‘woke up’ in her bed like an hour ago… she’s going on about how we’re ‘in love’ and she wants to marry me and have my babies… she’s after me and won’t go away!”
Ororo’s eyes widen in shock. “Good God, Vanessa!” she exclaims softly.
Bobby suddenly forgets about the entire Bootylicious drama and looks at Ororo as if she has three heads. “What?” she asks, becoming a bit irritated with his stares.
“Did you just say… ‘Good God, Vanessa’? I mean, seriously?”
“What’s the matter, Robert? ‘By The Goddess’ is getting rather old anyway… time for something new and improved, don’t you think? I was also thinking of getting my hurh did up in cornrows…”
Bobby’s eyes widen even more; this can’t be Ororo. “You… you’re not Ororo! You’re a damn Skrull! AAAHHH!!” The frosty X-Man turns away and immediately bumps into Jubilee, who’s impatiently tapping her foot on the ground.
“Jubilee?! How’d you get here so fast? I thought you were looking for the others?!” Bobby backs up just a little and turns his head to see Ororo still standing behind him.
“Just call me ‘Visa’, I’m everywhere you want to be,” Jubilee says sarcastically. “Dude, what’s the problem here?”
“It’s Ororo… she’s a SKRULL! I think they’re all Skrulls! Or… or…”
“Why would you think something stupid like that? Good grief…”
Bobby swallows back a nervous lump in his throat and explains, “Jubes, she… she’s speaking weird, she wants CORNROWS, and she’s talking about some Vanessa woman! I mean… hello?! First I got Bobble Booty wanting to have my kids… and now this… can things get anymore FUCKED UP?!”
As if on cue, the entire landscape underneath Bobby, Jubilee, and Ororo’s feet transforms into ice, and the theme to The Nutcracker can be heard playing across the field. The trio of X-Men turn to see a variety of people figure-skating in the distance, though when they see WHO is figure-skating, their mouths can do nothing but drop open.
Hank glides on one foot with Cecilia perched atop a sole paw, posing like a beautiful statue in the chilly night’s air; Anna skates across the ice with Scott’s head nuzzled between her breasts, both of them smiling; Sinister, Sabretooth, Madelyne Pryor, and Nate Grey stand in a row side-by-side doing the Macarena, slowed down to fit the pace of the music; Logan and Jean shimmy and shake, ignoring the slow and graceful melody; and Cassandra leads Warren, Dani, Kurt, Piotr, Alex, and Leyu in a ‘train’ formation, looping over and around the others on the ice. It’s a rare sight to behold, and no matter how insane it looks, the three X-Men at the sidelines can’t help but be amused. Where’s a camera when you need one?
Jubilee turns to Bobby, a disgusted look on her face. “Dude… what the HELL did you EAT?”
“What?! I didn’t do this!” Bobby retorts, holding his hands up defensively. “This isn’t my fault!”
“Well it’s your dream, ya know,” Jubilee reminds him. “I guess there goes the whole ‘mobilize the X-Men to defeat Hefferlicious and the Dough Girls’ idea… damn it, you’re making this really difficult, you know that? Who’s supposed to help us now??”
“Well, uh… I don’t see all of them! Domino, Ever, Scanner, Proteus, Stacy… there’s still some people left!” Bobby says, a glimmer of hope in his words. That hope is crushed when the aforementioned five pass on by, grinning like idiots, with the two men standing on the three women’s shoulders.
“Good God, Vanessa…” Ororo mutters once more.
“THERE!” Bobby exclaims, turning and pointing to Ororo. “She said it again, Jubes!!”
Jubilee just rolls her eyes. “Bobby, it could be worse… she could be out there with them,” she says, pointing to the figure-skating madness. “Ororo, can you help us? We need to stop Bootylicious from having Bobby’s kids… because, ya know, just IMAGINE what his kids would be like…”
“You’re right,” Ororo says with a nod of agreement. “I’m in.”
“And the contractions…”
“Bobby, STUFF IT,” Jubilee demands, waving an authoritative finger at him. “Now, come on… let’s go!”
Bobby, Jubilee, and Ororo rush through the front doors of the mansion and into the foyer. The lights are on but very dim, and there’s no one else in sight. They move slowly inside, making sure not to create any noise. Suddenly, Jubilee lets out a yelp as she stubs her toe between two cracked floor tiles.
“DAMN IT!” Jubilee yells out as she uses her hands to grab her foot, hopping on the other one.
“Thanks for blowing our cover!” Bobby says.
“Mmmm, blow!” comes a sweet female voice. The three X-Men look up and see Bootylicious coming down the stairs, her three thick friends behind her. “Oh Bobby, Ah knew you’d be back!”
“Be gone, bimbo!” Ororo yells out, charging her hands with electricity as thunder booms outside. “You won’t have this man!”
“What do we do…” Bobby says softly. In a panic, he runs back towards the front doors of the mansion, just wanting to get away from the madness. Maybe… maybe if he finds someplace where he can be alone, he can go to sleep, and then wake up in the real world…
“HOLD IT, MISTAH!” Bootylicious bellows, and a flurry of Creamsicles dart through the air in Bobby’s direction. One smacks him in the back off the head, and he goes down faster than a sack of potatoes.
“NO!” Jubilee cries out, having watched Bobby fall. Bootylicious’ girls suddenly surround the two remaining X-Men, holding their arms behind their backs. “You won’t get away with this!” Jubilee cries out.
“But Ah will!” Bootylicious says cheerfully as she saunters towards Bobby, tossing a half-eaten watermelon to the side. “BABIES!”
Bootylicious flips Bobby on his back and plants herself on top of him, clapping with glee. “We’re gonna have so much fun, Mistah Drake!”
Bobby can only scream. “AAAAHHHH!!!”
“AAAAHHHH!”
Bobby snaps awake and jumps up in his bed, sweat pouring down his face profusely. He pants heavily, and looks around his room.
He’s alone.
It was a dream. A nightmare, rather.
It’s over.
He sits back down, hanging his legs over the edge of the bed, and wipes the sweat from his forehead. He looks at the time on the clock; it’s three in the morning. He went to bed a little before midnight, so he’s been out for a while. What a dream. He’s never felt so messed up in his life. What did he eat…?
Bobby tucks himself back into bed and takes a deep breath. He’ll finish his night’s sleep, and resolve this issue in the morning…
Bobby walks through the hallways of the Xavier Institute, searching high and low for any sign of Tammy Lynne. He’s got to talk to her, get this situation with her resolved. Yes, it was only a dream, but for his peace of mind, he needs to talk to the girl and tell her how it is, make it clear to her that her crush does not reciprocate her feelings.
Down at the other end of the hall, Bobby can faintly make out a plump, blonde girl, and knows instantly he’s found her. He swiftly walks over to her, excusing himself as he passes by many of the students, and takes a deep breath as he gets closer to his target. She’s talking with another student, a short-haired girl with extra sets of lips all around her neck, and they’re laughing about something. They can’t be talking about Bobby… it’d just be too weird of a coincidence…
“Hey, Tammy Lynne,” Bobby says tentatively as he approaches the girls. The blonde turns her head to face him and raises an eyebrow. “Oh, sorry… Bootylicious.”
“Hi, Mistah Drake,” Bootylicious says, now smiling widely. “How are ya today?”
“Oh… peachy keen!” Bobby responds, feigning cheerfulness. “Listen, can I pull you into one of the classrooms for a minute? I need to talk to you about something.”
Bootylicious gives her teacher a curious look, then looks at her friend and shrugs. “Well Ah guess Ah’ll see you later, Irina.”
“Ciao,” Irina says, the word echoing out of her many mouths as she walks away.
Bobby peers through the glass of a nearby classroom and sees that it’s empty. He motions for Bootylicious to follow him, and they quickly make their way inside and close the door. Bobby takes a deep breath and then exhales, trying his best to calm his nerves.
“Is there somethin’ the matter, Mistah Drake?” Bootylicious questions.
“Well… yes, and no,” Bobby answers. “Look, I… I heard the rumor that’s going around the school…”
Bootylicious furrows her brow and asks, “Rumor?”
“Yes, the rumor that you… that you have a crush on me,” Bobby finally says. He’d blush a light pink right about now if not for his powers giving him the ability to keep his cheeks cool. “Look, I don’t want to make a big deal…”
“Oh mah goodness!” Bootylicious says with a gasp, covering her mouth with her hand. “Mistah Drake, Ah…”
“Please, I don’t want to embarass you or anything,” Bobby tells her. “These things are only natural. I had a crush on one of my teachers in high school, in fact.”
“But…”
“Miss Lord… she taught math. I loved that class, and I loved her… well, you get the idea,” Bobby explains. “So you see? You’re not alone. I just thought it might be a good idea to…”
“But…”
“You don’t have to explain yourself, really,” Bobby says. “You’re not in trouble…”
“But Mistah Drake!” Bootylicious exclaims. “Ah don’t have a crush on you!”
Bobby blinks a few times before responding. “You don’t?”
“No!” Bootylicious insists. “Whoevah told you such a thing?”
Bobby’s eyes narrow in anger for a split second as he realizes what’s happened. “Oh… heh. Well,” he begins to say, “let’s just say… I heard it around the school. You know, from… stupid people…”
“Well Ah am so sorry,” Bootylicious says. “Ah hope you weren’t feelin’ uncomfortable around me at all.”
“No, no,” Bobby assures her, “I… I just ‘found out’ yesterday. No big deal. I’m really glad we got this squared away.”
“Me too,” Bootylicious says with a nod. “And Mistah Drake?”
“Yes?”
“While we’re puttin’ everything on the table, well… Ah’d like to make an honest assessment if Ah may.” Bobby notices that Hank’s command of the English vocabulary has had an effect on the girl. “Truthfully, you’re just too skinny anyway. No offense, but Ah’m a big girl, and Ah like big guys. But… well, Ah do have a crush, maybe you know him…”
Bobby absorbs what Bootylicious has just said, a bit shocked, but manages to ask, “Uh… who?” Maybe, he thinks, as vindication for this fiasco, she’ll say it’s Hank.
Bootylicious smiles a dopey smile. “The Hulk!” she chirps. “Oh, he’s so perfect! And don’t the X-Men know him? Oh, maybe… maybe Ah could meet him someday?”
Bobby can offer no response. All he can do is think about how the past twenty-four hours have been among the strangest of his life. Before he can even begin to formulate any words, a bell rings throughout the school, letting the students know it’s time to get to their next class. Bootylicious sighs, and gives Bobby an apologetic look.
“Again, Ah am so sorry,” she says as she heads toward the door. “Ah have to get to class. Have a nice day!”
“You… too,” Bobby mutters.
He continues to stand there, silent and unmoving, until the door to the classroom opens up again. Bobby expects for students to be piling in and snaps out of his daze, not wanting to make an even bigger fool of himself. To his surprise, though, it’s only Jubilee who enters the room, greeting him with a smile.
“Hey, Bobby,” she says to him. She notices the weird look on his face. “You okay?”
“Just… fine,” Bobby tells her. He perks up a little as he adds, “Well, you’re certainly up and about early today.”
“Can’t sleep until ten everyday,” Jubilee says with a shrug of her shoulders. “I think I’m about healed. Ready to fully immerse myself in the wonderful world of the Xavier Institute.” She raises her hands above her head and waves them around a little, chanting, “Oooaaa oooaaa!”
Bobby can’t help but laugh at the display, and seconds later Jubilee does the same. They lock eyes for a moment, both smiling, and Jubilee suddenly starts to blush a little. She looks down at her feet as her smile begins to turn into more of a smirk.
“What?” Bobby asks her, and she giggles a little.
Jubilee reaches into the pocket of her jeans and pulls out a small envelope. She hands it to Bobby and looks back up at him, saying, “Will you be my valentine?”
Caught completely off-guard, Bobby looks at the envelope, then at Jubilee. “I…” He pauses, a stunned look on his face. “Well… well, sure. Yes. Absolutely,” he finally says, and both of their smiles grow bigger. “Just so you know, though, Valentine’s Day was like two months ago…”
“Well I wasn’t really here for it, duh,” Jubilee says with a roll of her eyes. “So… I’m making up for it now. Except you’re the only one who gets a card.”
“Miss Lee, are you…?”
“Asking you out?” Jubilee finishes for him. A bit nervous, she then answers, “Yes… I am. And, I totally understand if you’re not into it, I mean, I was like fifteen when we met and you probably still see me as some little girl, but…”
“Not at all,” Bobby tells her. He places one of his hands on her cheek and continues, “All I see is a beautiful woman.”
Jubilee blushes even more, and begins to laugh. It’s a joyful laugh, as she’s received the answer she hoped she would get, and Bobby soon joins in. They embrace for a moment, and Bobby gives the young woman a kiss on the forehead.
“Now, I have to know,” Jubilee says, playfully placing a hand on her hip, “what’s the deal with you and the country girl?”
Bobby just shakes his head, and laughs. “Oh, wait until you hear this…”
~Ryan
09/27/03
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