THE RULE IS JAM TOMORROW AND JAM YESTERDAY—BUT NEVER JAM TODAY!

By Alexander Ritter

White Rabbit and her intern, Charles Liddell, sat in silence at a large table in White Rabbit’s New York lair, known as the Rabbit Hole. The table was set for a whimsical tea party, complete with a large array of scones, muffins, biscuits, and jams. Charles was shoveling down a bowl of fruity cereal, while White Rabbit was sipping tea as she read a newspaper. Every few minutes she would giggle uncontrollably.

Charles glanced at her with an eyebrow raised in curiosity. “What are you reading?”

“Do you remember how you told me about that paperless newspaper, the Huffington Post?”

Charles nodded.

White Rabbit grinned and handed Charles her newspaper. He looked at the front page and started to laugh. “The Fluffington Post?”

Charles spend a few minutes looking over the “newspaper.” All the headlines and articles were handwritten, the pictures crudely drawn. The main headline proclaimed “Magnificent Mistress of Mayhem Dispatches Inept Kitten with Ease,” complete with a doodle of White Rabbit standing over the crumpled body of Crimson Cat. The article was a mock interview of White Rabbit telling a detailed, if one-sided, account of her battle with the local hero.

Flipping through the rest of the newspaper, Charles was amazed at the level of detail. From the main logo on the front page that had bunny ears and a tail, to articles ranging from economic theory to the modern influence of 18th century literature, and a comic strip page complete with a fully functional crossword puzzle.

“You made this all by yourself?”

White Rabbit nodded. “It was therapeutic. It made me feel a lot better after yesterday’s media farce.”

“Very creative, some of this stuff in here is satirical genius! That reminds me, I was working on something myself to cheer you up.”

White Rabbit clapped her hands together. “Ooooh, give it to me, give it to me!”

“It’s not something I can give you. I made a video for you.”

White Rabbit’s face showed a mix of disappointment and revulsion.

“Not that kind of video! Just come here and look…” Charles cued up the video he uploaded last night. With some creative editing, he had created a video package showcasing White Rabbit, while making Crimson Cat look completely incompetent.

A wicked smile crept over White Rabbit’s face. “Lovely. The cinematography is top notch! I simply adore it!”

Charles frowned and then his eyes went wide with surprise.

“What’s wrong?”

“This can’t be right..” Charles reloaded the page, then shook his head. “Over one hundred thousand views in one day? This is sitting in the top ten most viewed videos of the day. It’s listed on the main page, and even more people are going to see it now.”

“Really? You know, in the past I’ve taken over television broadcasts to get messages out to the public, but maybe this is a more effective method. With my television messages, it only reached whoever was watching at the time. This way, people can see it at their leisure.”

“This is crazy, how did this video get so popular?!?”

“It must be the stellar award caliber performance from the leading lady. You know, this has given me a most interesting idea. There is one thing I’ve been dreaming of for a long time, and I feel now is the time act, strike while the iron is hot so to speak. I need you to shoot a video of me.”

Charles smirked.

White Rabbit waved a finger at Charles, scolding him. “Not that kind of video!”

Eugene Patilio was running late for class.

At one time, Eugene had been the superhero known as Frog-Man, sometimes with the added adjective of “Fabulous.” His father, Vincent Patilio, had been an inventor, but not a financially successful one. After creating coils that allowed a person to jump great distances, Vincent created a frog suit that utilized the coils and became the criminal Leap-Frog.

Vincent’s criminal career was short lived and unsuccessful. Years later, Eugene had taken the suit, using it to become the heroic Frog-Man, saving Spider-Man from more than one sticky situation. Eugene’s father had been proud of his son, but was also overprotective. Fearing that the worst would happen, Vincent convinced Eugene to give up the Frog suit, insisting he focus on getting a higher education.

Eugene was attending classes at Empire State University, so he could stay close to his family. He should be at his communication theory class for his broadcasting major, but he had gone off campus to the local Italian deli for some cavatelli. It wasn’t as good as his Aunt’s, but he had a craving and it needed to be satisfied.

While he was waiting in line, he overheard a group of students behind him.

“Man, look at this video. This is the highest quality armature footage I’ve ever seen of real life superhero action! Most of the time it’s some shaky, blurry, pixilated clip of a red and blue streak that we’re supposed to believe is Spider-Man, but this video is crystal clear!”

“Fake!” proclaimed one of the students. “Look at that, it’s all phony, who’s ever heard of Crimson Cat or White Rabbit?”

Eugene’s ears perked up at the mention of a “White Rabbit.” It couldn’t be.. could it?

“They just posted a second video this morning,” added one of the students.

“Even more proof it’s just some wannabe actors trying to create a buzz with some online comedy skits. The internet is bloated with them. That second video didn’t even make any sense, it was just that rabbit girl babbling about wanting to fight lizards or frogs or something. I didn’t get it.”

“Excuse me,” said Eugene, peering over the student’s shoulder to get a peek at the video, “Which website are you guys talking about? It sounds interesting.”

“Oh, it’s just YouTube. It’s one of the featured videos, you can’t miss it.”

“Thanks guys.”

Eugene quickly paid for his food and then picked out a table outside deli where he thought could get decent reception on his phone. He opened up the web browser and navigated to youtube. As promised, one of the videos featured on the main page was titled “White Rabbit vs Crimson Cat.” Sure enough, it was the same White Rabbit that Eugene hoped it wasn’t.

Following a link from the video, Eugene visited a website called “The Rabbit Hole”, where he found a second video. It showed White Rabbit facing the camera, with her head tilted to the side, examining something in front of her. “So, do I have to wait for this red light to turn off, or..?”

“No, no,” said a voice that was off-camera, “the red light means it’s recording right now!”

“Ahem, yes, well then…this is a message to the self-proclaimed Fabulous Frog-Man. You, amphibious imbecile, have been my most persistent foe, more so than that annoying arachnid, Spider-Man. Time and time again you have spoiled my villainous exploits. But no more! The time has come for a reckoning!”

White Rabbit held up an oversized pocket watch and pointed at it with the tip of her umbrella.

“When the clock tolls 2 a.m., our decisive climatic battle shall commence at the location where last you bested me. As you know, I abhor tardiness, so if you are late, there will be swift and dire consequences for the city of New York!”

Eugene dropped his cavatelli and took off running for the nearest subway station.

Charles drove down the streets of New York, as the White Rabbit lounged in the passenger seat.

“You should probably buckle your seatbelt.”

“Are you not a good driver?”

“I’m an excellent driver,” deadpanned Charles. “It’s just against the law to ride around without your seatbelt buckled.”

White Rabbit unleashed gales of laughter. “As if grand larceny and manslaughter weren’t enough, god forbid I fail to buckle my seatbelt.”

“You know, we’re not driving around in the most inconspicuous vehicle. I mean, how much did it cost for you to completely customize an ice cream truck to make it bunny themed, inside and out?”

“I’ve told you, dear Charles, that money is no object.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask you, if you’ve got so much money, and it’s no object, how come you’re not paying me anything?”

“Charles, you are an intern. You don’t get a salary, you just get work experience. I’m sorry but rules are rules, my hands are tied.”

“Yeah but…”

“There are loopholes, such as, I cannot pay you money, but I can feed you. Every other day, you can have biscuits and jam.”

“What? I’m not even hungry right now.”

“That’s fine, there is no jam today. The rule is, jam tomorrow and jam yesterday – but never jam today.”

Charles parked near their destination and then buried his face in his hands. It’s bad enough he was making outrageous weapons for a literary obsessed psychopath without getting paid for it, but now it appeared he was also going to starve to death while doing it.

Eugene Patilio had reached his destination: The home shared by his father and aunt. Eugene fished the spare house key from a fake rock near the fishpond in the front yard. As quietly as possible, he opened the front door and snuck upstairs to the attic, praying his father wouldn’t wake up.

Eugene did his best to stifle sneeze as he brushed away the dust that had collected on a chest in the attic. He opened the lid and looked inside at the green frog costume held within. His father had told him, in no uncertain terms, that there was no more Frog-Man.

But this was different, people were in danger and only Frog-Man could save the day. He’d just use the costume for one night only, defeat White Rabbit like he’d done before, and if he was lucky, his dad would never know any of it happened.

As he struggled to put on the costume, Eugene realized he had put on some extra weight since the last time he wore the costume. Maybe he could stand to skip the cavatelli once in a while.

“This the place?” asked Charles, peering out the window. “Kwikkee Burger?”

“Yes. It’s the first place, and the last place that I encountered our froggy fiend. Shouldn’t it be closed? It’s the middle of the night.”

“No, a lot of these places stay open twenty-four hours nowadays.”

“I say, that’s a wonderful idea. I wonder why it took them so long to think of it.”

Charles shrugged.

“Well, this changes things slightly, but only slightly. In fact, it may have just made this a little more fun. Wait here.”

“Hey, I’ve got no problem with that.”

White Rabbit exited the truck and entered the Kwikkee Burger. The teenage boy behind the counter gawked at her as she walked in the doors. White Rabbit smirked as she noticed the kid was staring at her legs.

The kid finally came out of his stupor. “Would you like to try our double bacon cheeseburger extra value meal?” he finally asked. “You can get it with onion rings or legs. I mean, fries.”

“No, I would not like any burgers, fries, or onion rings. I’m meeting a friend here, but in the meantime, I will take all the cash you have in your register please.”

She had come here expressly to battle Frog Man for the final time, however the lure of excitement, the indescribable rush of adrenaline she received from stealing, was too much to pass up. She had led a sheltered and protected life, being raised her whole life to be a proper lady, and while she held onto a lot of those lessons to this day, she craved the thrill of being adventurous, rebellious, and downright naughty. That is why she had reinvented herself as a supervillain.

“I can’t do that,” said the boy behind the register. “Look, you’re cute, so if you leave I won’t call the cops…”

White Rabbit smiled and twirled her umbrella around. She pointed the umbrella at the menu screens on the wall behind the boy. Machine gun fire erupted from the tip, sending chunks of debris flying from the wall. She then pointed the gun at the boy’s head.

“Next time that shall be your face. Now, the money, please.”

The boy fumbled with the register, managing to get it open after several moments of struggling. He threw handfuls of cash at White Rabbit, then dove under the counter. White Rabbit shook her head in amusement and started to collect the cash.

Sara Sanderson, also known as The Crimson Cat, was in her secret lair, pouring through her files on the White Rabbit. That is to say, she was in her bedroom, looking at newspaper clippings, while watching online videos of old newscasts.

Had she done this years ago, she would’ve been at the mercy of the library’s microfiche, or having to sign out VHS tapes from the local news station. That’s just the way it was done years ago, but thanks to modern technology, the historical news reports are all available in the comfort of your home, on demand, thanks to the internet.

The newspaper clippings had been something Sara collected on her own for years. As a child she had been captivated by the idea of superheroes, and always told her parents that she wanted to be one when she grew up. For years and years she had collected any news article about heroes or villains. The heavy binders full of articles now served as her database.

“According to White Rabbit’s video, she’ll be at the last place she fought Frog-Man.” Sara flipped through her binder until she found an article detailing White Rabbit’s battle with Frog-Man after robbing a Kwikkee Burger and several other small businesses.

“But this was the first time, when was the last time they encountered each other?” Sara browsed the online footage that contained the keywords “White Rabbit” and “Frog-Man.” Aside from the recent uploaded clip of White Rabbit challenging Frog-Man to a fight, there was one older newscast linked to the search results.

Sara watched the news report, as the reporter tried his best to cover the mayhem unfolding around him. White Rabbit and Walrus were wrecking the city before Spider-Man and two Frog Men brought an end to the pandemonium.

Something caught Sara’s eye. She paused the footage and inspected a building in the background. Next to the building was a large sign that indicated it to be a Kwikkee Burger.

“Bingo!”

Sara slipped into her costume, pulled the mask over her face, and leapt out her bedroom window.

Back at the Kwikkee Burger

Static crackled in White Rabbit’s earpiece, as Charles turned on his communication device. “I hope you’re ready, because you’re about to have company!”

White Rabbit turned toward the doors, as the floating cameras hovered in the air behind her. As the front doors opened, Frog-Man entered the room. The boy behind the counter peeked his head out to see what was going on. He saw the woman dressed as a rabbit was now standing across the room from a chubby man in a frog costume. The boy ducked back behind the counter and started texting all his friends about the insanity he was witnessing.

White Rabbit checked her pocket watch and found that it was 1:59 am. “I’m happy to see that you punctual. This is a very important date you see, and it’s dreadfully poor form to be late for your own demise!”

Next Issue: Do I really have to say it? The moment of my greatest triumph is finally here! Now I know what you are thinking, but this time will be different. I’ll show you, you’ll see! Come back next month for a tale that I myself will call, with apologies to Arthur Miller, DEATH OF A FROG MAN!!!

The Rabbit Hole

My, my, you’ve been busy little bees, havn’t you my loyal bunny brigade? I have more mail this month. Huzza, the mail has been doubled! However, I am disappointed a few of you showed up late to the party. I. Hate. Late. Now, let’s see what you think, shall we?

I’ve always liked White Rabbit for no particular reason. It could be the fact that she’s inspired by Alice In Wonderland, or the fact that she’s the kind of insane where they’re fun to watch.

Fun like this story.

Awesome stuff. ^__^

I particularly like “Your opinion has been considered and promptly discarded”. xDDDD – InnerVenom123

Well, thank you. I’m nothing if not fun, but I’m not so sure about the insane comment. I think I’m whimsical myself. I’m glad you like Alice in Wonderland, I don’t know if you know this, but I’ll let you in on a little secret. It’s my favorite book of all time. Also:

Poor White Rabbit! Charles doing that favor for her is adorable, though.

This is so great. ^__^

Also, for your sign off expression: how about “happy hopping”? =P – InnerVenom123

Well, yes, I was rather down in the dumps at first, but as you can see it is possible to turn a negative into a positive. My luck is turning around now, I feel good things are coming.

I think Alex has a really strong approach for White Rabbit’s motivation, which is truly something that sets her apart. There are lots of gadget-wielding bad guys out there, and lots of super-sexy thieves, but White Rabbit isn’t in it for the money or any violent, antisocial tendencies. She enjoys doing dangerous and stupid things, because they are dangerous and stupid and therefore fun. She wants to lead an exciting life and, adding another layer, wants recognition and even fame for living such a lifestyle. That is a heck of a hook and the single thing that most convinces me this series could have some serious longevity. – Dale Glaser

Wow, this is certainly a nice surprise! I’m going to need you to stop by the Rabbit Hole and have a talk with Charles, because he doesn’t understand fun. YOU understand FUN! You may almost say the fun has been doubled. Charles is always so worried about cost and safety and planning, blah, blah, blah. The adventure is the thing! Now as far as Crimson Cat goes, now that I’ve bested her, maybe sometime I’ll set my sights higher and upgrade on my feline foes. There is a certain cat of a darker hue that I would love to cross paths with sometime. Although, you know those pesky felines, they always seem to have nine lives and land on their feet, but I’m sure Crimson Cat has learned her lesson and would do anything to avoid running into me at all costs. Right?

Until next time… Happy Hopping!