IF YOU DRINK TOO MUCH FROM A BOTTLE LABELED ‘POISON,’ IT IS ALMOST CERTAIN TO DISAGREE WITH YOU, SOONER OR LATER

By Alexander Ritter

It was an odd request.  Walking onto the roof of a New York apartment complex, Eugene Patilo wondered if it was part of an elaborate prank.  Eugene was the sometime-superhero known as Frog-Man.  He was here at the request of his ESU classmate, Sara Sanderson, also known as the crime-fighting Crimson Cat.  Why would she want to meet him here?

“Youch!”

Eugene cried out in pain as he was struck on the side of his head, the blow knocking him down.  He looked up, the glaring sun blocked out by the form of Sara Sanderson.  She looked down at him, shaking her head.  “What are you doing?”

“What am I doing?” repeated Eugene, “What are you doing?  You just kicked me in the head!”

“I called you here so we could do a little sparring.”

“Why would we do that?”

Sara sighed.  “We’re superheroes.  We have to stay in shape, stay in fighting form.  You do train on your own, don’t you?”

Eugene looked down at his rounded belly, then at the box of donuts he brought with him.  “Well…”

Sara helped Eugene stand up.  “I’m a world-class acrobat.  I’ve trained in tae kwon do and judo.  Do you at least know any kind of martial arts?”

Eugene shrugged.  “I’m more of what you’d call a ‘freestyle’ fighter.”

“Right.  You just aimlessly bounce around until you accidentally knock out the bad guy.”

“Hey, I had an undefeated record with that technique until last week!”

“That’s going to get you killed.  You need to take care of your body, at least be in good physical condition. I’d recommend looking into a karate class too, so you at least have something to fall back on.”

“I guess I can look into it.”

Sara smiled and playfully kicked Eugene.  “That’s more like it.  We have to be at our best when we go capture White Rabbit.  She’s a complete lunatic, did you see her last video?  She stole a cruise ship!  Who does that?  I mean, where do you even hide a cruise ship anyway?!”

“You have your own island?”

White Rabbit smiled and nodded at her companion, Charles Liddell, as the recently stolen “Wonderland” cruise ship sailed into a grotto on the island.

“How in the hell do you have your own island off the coast of England?”

“My late husband bought it for me.”

“Wow, he must’ve really loved you.  An entire island?  This is amazing.”

“He didn’t love me,” said White Rabbit, as her eyes darkened and her mood changed.  “He was a horrible, dirty old man, and this shall be the last time he is mentioned.”

Charles put his hands up.  “Oookay.  Sorry I brought it up,” he apologized, as he reached under the control panel to grab his laptop.  He was glad to be back on solid ground.  After stealing the cruise ship, they had spent several days sailing to the island.  “So listen, now that we’re back on dry land, I really needed to talk to you about this gu—”  Charles looked around and sighed, as White Rabbit happily skipped down a pathway deeper into the cavern.  He jumped off the boat and followed her.

Eugene and Sara climbed down the stairs of the apartment building.  Eugene used a towel to wipe away the massive amount of sweat he worked up while training.  He prayed his heart didn’t explode.

“You don’t have a Frog-Ship?”

“No.”

“No Frogmobile?”

“Nope.”

“Not even a Frog-Scooter?! Even I have a Cat-Scooter.”

“Never needed one,” explained Eugene, between gasps of air.  How did he let himself get this out of shape?  “I just hop place to place, you know, since that’s my superpower.”

“I guess we’ll both have to ride my scooter, since that’s all we’ve got.”

“What are we doing, going on patrol?”

“Not exactly,” began Sara.  “We’re going to do whatever it takes to bring down White Rabbit.  In her cruise ship video, she was fighting Sonic Boom.  He’s a local hero, usually spotted in Brooklyn.  So why was he fighting her in the middle of the Ocean?  I got my hands on a copy of the passenger manifest.  Only three passengers from New York, and only one of those from Brooklyn.”

Eugene’s eyes went wide.  “You figured out his secret identity that easy?  Just like mine?  You’re like, the worlds greatest detective!  I would’ve never thought of something like that.”

“Come on, we’re going to go pay him a visit.”

“What for?”

“White Rabbit escaped me, almost killed you, and got the best of him too.  If we all work together, I think we can get her off the streets and off the internet.  Send her to The Raft where she belongs.”

“I don’t know… I’ll have to ask my dad if it’s alright first.”

“Would you wait for a second?”  Charles was out of breath as he chased White Rabbit through the European Rabbit Hole, finding the irony to be quite comical.

“But, Charles, it’s time for tea!” she exclaimed, sitting down at a long wooden table where tea and biscuits are waiting.  “Can you believe there was no tea on that cruise ship?  How can you name it ‘Wonderland’ but not have tea?  Preposterous!”

“Can you forget about tea for a second, this is important…”

White Rabbit pouted with a wounded expression.  “But… tea is important.”

“Ok, yes, tea is important,” relented Charles.  “I’m sorry.  While we’re enjoying tea, I need to show you this video.”

“I already approved the final cut for the Sonic Boom video.  You uploaded it, right?”

“Yes, I did.  This is a different matter entirely.  There is this guy down in New Jersey that wants to fight you.  Calls himself ‘Max Overdrive,’ and he’s been posting video responses on all our videos.

“I wonder why this Max fellow would be so foolish as to challenge me?  Death wish, perhaps?”

“Isn’t that the fifty-thousand dollar question.”

“Excuse me?”

“I think we have a bigger problem than we anticipated, we’ve created a monster.”  Charles spun his laptop around to show White Rabbit a “wanted” picture, offering a $50,000 reward for anyone who could capture her.

“How exciting!  I’ve never been a wanted criminal before, only an unwanted one!”

Charles rolled his eyes.  “Well, that’s the problem.  It’s bad enough running into Crimson Cat and Sonic Boom by chance.  Now we’re going to have people looking for us!”

“The price of fame.  Any day now, the Avengers will be knocking down the door looking for us.  Prepare the jet, we need to return to New York so I can prepare to face this so-called Max Overdrive.”

“No.  Absolutely not.”

“But Daaad!”

“Don’t ‘daaad’ me!  The last time you put on that suit, you almost got yourself killed!”

Eugene had returned to his dad’s house, seeking permission to use the Frog-Man suit.  So far, he wasn’t having any luck.

“That’s what I’ve been warning you about the whole time!” continued Vincent Patilio, Eugene’s father.  “There’s no way you’re putting on the Frog-Man suit again.”

“Dad, Crimson Cat is putting together a team to take down the White Rabbit.  Ms. Cat offered me a spot on her team, and I want to help.”

“The White Rabbit is dangerous,” offered Crimson Cat.  “She needs to be taken off the streets!  I can’t do this alone.”

“I couldn’t agree more, but Frog-Man is not going to be a part of this scheme.  Leap Frog is.”  Vincent had created the Leap Frog suit and had a short lived career as a failed criminal, and an even shorter career as a crime-fighter.

“What?!” Eugene was shocked.  “So its not ok for me to be a hero, but it is ok for you?  Do as I say, not as I do?”

“Listen, Eugene, the old Frog-Man suit is just that: old.  It hasn’t been updated or calibrated in years!  I’ve been messing around with the Leap Frog suit here and there.”

“If you were so dead-set against risking our lives as heroes, why were you still working on the suit?”

“Everyone has hobbies.  Some people golf, some people collect stuff, some people build miniature railroads in their basement. I’m an inventor.  Tinkering around with the suit has been a hobby to keep me busy in my spare time.”

“So you’re really going to do this?” asked Eugene.

“Yes.  You’re going to sit your ass at home and watch on TV.  I’m doing this one time only, then both the suits are retired for good.  Understand?”

“Yeah!  Geez!” Eugene threw himself onto the couch and folded his arms in anger.  “You don’t gotta keep on it, I get it!”

“Mr. Patilio,” said Crimson Cat, “your son is one of the bravest, most selfless people I’ve ever met.  He risked his own life to save the lives of others without a second thought.  People like us, we have the abilities and the means to help people who can’t help themselves.  There is a certain responsibility that comes with that.  I understand you want to protect Eugene, but that’s exactly what he’s trying to do to everyone else in the city.”

Vince glanced from Crimson Cat to his son and back again.

“Please Mr. Patilio, we can all do this together.”

Vince stood silent for several moments before giving a response.  “Fine.  If I didn’t agree to this, you’d just find a way around it anyway.  At least this way I can keep any eye on you and make sure you don’t get yourself killed.”

“Waaaahoooo!” Eugene leapt into the air and high-fived Crimson Cat, before turning to see the stern look on his father’s face.  “Uh, thanks Dad.”

Vince grabbed his son and pulled him into a tight hug.  “I’m proud of you son.  Your mother would be proud of you too.”

“Ah geez, come on dad, not in front of the Cat!”

The Next Day
New York
The Rabbit Hole

“You know this is a bad idea, right?” asked Charles.

“You say that every time.  I must defend my honor!” explained White Rabbit.  “He challenged me for the whole world to see.  If I don’t meet him in battle, I’ll look like a coward.  I have a reputation to uphold!  One I’ve recently gained, never had before, and don’t wish to lose.”

“I still think it’s a bad idea.”

“Well then, it’s a good thing you’ll be sitting this one out.”

“Yeah, it’s a good thing I’ll be.. wait.  What?”

“I’m giving you the day off,” explained White Rabbit.  “You wanted to test the camera’s auto pilot function anyway, yes?”  She looked over at an assembled group of henchmen, motioning toward one.  “You there, young lady.  What’s your name?”

The girl looked around, then pointed at herself.  White Rabbit nodded.

“My name is Jasmine,” stammered the girl.

White Rabbit smiled approvingly.  “Excellent.  Jasmine will accompany me to New Jersey.  Charles, enjoy your day off.”

“Hey listen, I’m sorry my dad is such a hard ass.”

Sara and Eugene walked up the driveway toward the house owned by the person they suspected to be Sonic Boom.  Vince had driven them, and was waiting in the car.

“It’s fine,” assured Sara.  “He’s just worried about you, I get it.”

As the pair arrived at the front door, Eugene reached to knock, but before his hand made contact with the door, it opened.  Eugene looked down the barrel of a shotgun.

“It’s a little late to be selling girl scout cookies,” said the grizzled old man who sat in the wheelchair, holding the shotgun.  “So you kids got to the count of ten to get the hell off my lawn.”

“Well, we’re not really on your lawn, we’re on your porch..” explained Sara.  Eugene elbowed her in the ribs.

The man pumped the shotgun.  “One.”

“Hey listen, we don’t want any trouble,” said Eugene, raising his hands in the air.

“Two.”

“Mr. McClain, does the name ‘White Rabbit’ mean anything to you?”

The man lowered the shotgun and looked at Sara.  “What did you just say?”

“How about ‘Sonic Boom,’ does that ring any bells?” continued Sara.  Duke McClain was shocked.  How did these kids know?

“What do you want?” he demanded.

“Can we just come in and talk?” asked Sara.  “We’re all on the same side, and we’re going to need all the help we can get.”

White Rabbit groaned and slid down in the passenger seat of her semi truck.  When Max Overdrive claimed to be from New Jersey, that wasn’t entirely true.  Her quest lead her to a small down just outside New Jersey.  As Jasmine drove down the small town streets, White Rabbit became more and more dejected.

“So when do I get a cool costume and code name?” asked Jasmine, gleefully.  “I was thinking maybe I could be Dormouse, or Mad Hatter!  There’s no rule saying a girl can’t be Mad Hatter, right?”

White Rabbit ignored Jasmine’s eager ramblings and reviewed the videos from Max Overdrive.  He was just a high school kid, with short brown hair, wearing sunglasses and a leather jacket.  He had a cheaply made t-shirt with a styled “M” on the front.  Max made a lot of hefty claims, including dropping the crime rate in his city to zero, and the fact he was destined to be the next superhero superstar on par with Wonder Man.

White Rabbit put her hands on the passenger side window and peered out at the town.  She reasoned that the crime rate wasn’t zero due to Max Overdrive cleaning up the city, but rather there weren’t any crimes worth committing.  “White Rabbit, I DARE you to commit a crime in MY city and get away with it!” he bellowed in one video.  White Rabbit shut off the laptop in disgust.

“I think this is going to end up being a fruitless endeavor,” decided White Rabbit.  “There’s no crime worth my time!”

“We haven’t looked on the east side of the city yet,” offered Jasmine, hopefully.  “Oh look, a Kwikkee Burger!  I love Kwikkee Meals.  Lets get something to eat, I could really go for a double cheese burger.”

White Rabbit glanced out the window and her eyes widened with delight.  “Oh my!”

This particular Kwikkee Burger had a “play place” for kids.  There was a Merry-Go-Round shaped like a teacup, and a lot the playground equipment was mushroom themed.  It was an Alice in Wonderland playground.

White Rabbit pointed toward the playground.  “I need that wonderfully whimsical playground paraphernalia!  Pull the truck around, I think I found a caper worth my effort after all.

Charles entered his apartment, locking the door behind him.  He tossed his gym bag on the floor, and his March Hare costume on the bed.  His girlfriend, Mary Patterson, looked up from her spot on the couch.  She had been reading a book until Charles arrived.

“You’re home early, honey.  Did you get fired?”

Charles laughed and kissed Mary.  “Nah, I got the day off.”  He sat down at the computer and started an internet search for “White Rabbit” plus “criminal.”

Mary frowned.  “Bringing your work home with you?  Since you’re home for a change, I was hoping we could spend some time together.”

“I’ll be done in a minute.  It’s easier for me to do this when she’s not looking over my shoulder.”  Charles raised his eyebrows.  “Well, this is interesting.  The FBI and S.H.E.I.L.D. websites now have entries for White Rabbit.  I couldn’t find any of this information before.”

Mary stood up and walked over to the computer.  “Bank robbery, armed robbery, malicious destruction, attempted murder.  Five foot seven, one hundred thirty pounds, blue eyes, real name: Lorina Dodson.  Widowed…”

“Lorina…” mumbled Charles, as she started scribbling down notes.  “This is going to make other internet searches a lot easier.”

“I can see you’re going to be busy with this for more than a minute,” said Mary, as she picked up the March Hare costume.  “While you’re doing that, I’m going to sew some Kevlar into this deathtrap of a costume.”

Dale was on headset at the drive up window in the Kwikkee Burger.  A beep sounded in his headgear, signaling someone was at the order window.

“Welcome to Kwikkee Burger, home of the Mega Bacon Triple Cheeseburger.  Can I take your order?”  Suddenly, the whole building shook.  Dale had to grab onto the countertop to keep from falling.  He glanced out the window and was stunned by what he saw.

Towering over the Kwikkee Burger was a forty foot tall robot that looked like a bipedal rabbit.  It was right out of the Japanese cartoons Dale watched as a kid, where dueling battlemechs battled for twenty two minutes every Saturday morning.  Then he noticed the shoulder mounted missile launchers.

Dale took off his headset and nametag, placing them on the counter before walking out.  “I don’t get paid enough for this!”

From the cockpit of the robot, White Rabbit deftly maneuvered the machine to the playground.  Parents grabbed their children and ran away in terror.  The huge robot picked up a piece of playground equipment and placed it in the semi truck.  “This’ll be quick and easy, and not hide nor hair to be seen of New Jersey’s so called ‘major league’ hero!”

Max Oliver, otherwise known by his superhero persona Max Overdrive, checked the Internet from his smartphone.  There was still no response from the Rabbit Hole website in regards to his videos.  Max shut off his phone and dropped it in his pocket, cursing to himself.

Nothing ever happened in this town, there was no way for Max to make a name for himself.  Bringing in the White Rabbit was his ticket to the big leagues.  Her Internet shenanigans were insanely popular, she trended worldwide on a regular basis.  If he could bring her down, surely the Avengers would take notice, or hell maybe at least the Defenders.  He’d take whatever he could get.

Max wasn’t a superhero because he wanted to help people or save the world.  His reasons were less selfless, he wanted to make money and become famous, to be the next Wonder Man.  Max was already a good actor, he put on a show every time he used his superpowers.

Being a mutant was something Max kept well hidden.  His mutant power was the ability to perform an adrenaline dump at will.  His mutant super-adrenaline gave him a short burst of greatly increased speed, strength, and pain resistance, roughly ten times that of a normal human.  He even come up with the marketable term of “going into overdrive!”.

To hide the fact he was a mutant, Max wore a high-tech looking watch.  He claimed his powers were activated by the device.  People were more accepting of heroes who gained their powers through scientific means, intentional or accidental, as opposed to mutants.  Plus, it was another marketable concept, he’d be able to sell toy replicas by the truckload.

As Max walked home from his high school, he passed a local electronics store.  A large crowd of people were gathered at the front of the store, enthralled by the news that had broken into every bit of local programming.  Max took one look at the footage, a large robotic rabbit terrorizing the local Kwikkee Burger, and saw nothing but dollar signs.  Max pressed the button on his watch, just in case anyone was watching, and sprinted off at superspeed.

White Rabbit finished loading the playground equipment into the semi, as Max Overdrive appeared in the middle of the street.  She smiled as a targeting array appeared on the control screen, locking onto Max.  Squeezing the trigger on the control stick unleashed a hail of bullets from the shoulder mounted Gatling guns.  Max easily dodged the oncoming onslaught.

“Impossible!” exclaimed the White Rabbit, slamming her fist down on the control console.  She accidentally jammed down the large red button that launched a pair of carrot shaped ballistic missiles.  Max leapfrogged over as they destroyed a sporting goods store.

As the mech started walking toward Max, he could feel himself getting dizzy and exhausted.  His adrenaline rush was subsiding.  He willed himself to dump more supercharged adrenaline into his system.  He’d never tried boosting twice in a day, let alone twice in an hour.  Then again, he never needed to when the biggest threats he faced were drunk and disorderly citizens.

Max was barley able to dodge as the mech attempted to swat at him.  Each wild swing and misplaced step seemed to destroy another building.  At this rate, the whole city would be annihilated in a matter of minutes.  Max leapt into the air and landed on the mech’s windshield.  White Rabbit franticly jerked the controls, trying to shake Max off.  He held on tight, but she grabbed him with a giant mechanical hand and tossed him down the street, knocking over a lamppost.

Max noticed the floating cameras buzzing around above him, capturing every moment of the action.  Max smirked and brushed back his hair.  “Smile for the camera,” he told himself.  “This is your breakout moment!”

Max grasped the lamppost and hefted it over his head.  He tossed it like a javelin, impaling the mech through the torso.  Sparks erupted from the robot as different sections burst into the flame.  Several systems failed and shut down.  The mech slumped over and crashed to the ground.  Max grinned and ripped out the windshield, then yanked White Rabbit out and held her up.

“I told you!” he announced, triumphantly.  “You were a fluke!  Me?  I’m the real deal, and thanks to you, the whole world is going to see me… see… I d—”

Max’s vision started to blur as he felt lightheaded.  He dropped White Rabbit and staggered backward.  His eyes rolled into the back of his head as he passed out.

White Rabbit looked from side to side and then straightened her jacket and brushed off her boots before climbing into the passenger side of the semi truck.

“What just happened?” asked Jasmine.

“What happened?  I won again, that’s what happened.”

“Yeah, but he just fe—”

“I won,” she repeated, coldly.  “That’s all that matters.  Now drive.  I want to get back to the Rabbit Hole and enjoy the spoils of war!”

Jasmine pressed down on the accelerator and drove away, leaving Max’s body as an afterthought in the rearview mirror.

Epilogue One

“Faster!  Higher!”

It had taken two days, but White Rabbit had found the perfect spot for her new Wonderland themed playground, in the caverns of the Rabbit Hole.  She even converted the cavern to look like a park, complete with a pond and white rose bushes.

Meanwhile, Charles was hard at work with his latest assigned task.   While Jasmine and White Rabbit were have great fun, swinging on the swing set, he was sitting in the dirt, dressed in his March Hare costume, painting the roses red.

“It would’ve been easier to plant red roses in the first place,” he grumbled.  “Then again, that’s exactly why she didn’t…”

Epilogue Two

“So what’s the news, doc?  Am I good to go, or what?”

Max had spent two days in the hospital, but felt fine now.  He wanted nothing more than to get unhooked from all the machines and get back in the game.

“Your vitals have stabilized now, there’s no reason for me to force you to stay any longer,” explained the doctor.  “But I want you to be careful.  When we brought you in, you were severely dehydrated.  Your calcium and magnesium levels dropped so low, you could’ve died.  I don’t know how ‘super powers’ work, but I can say it appears that your ‘power’ causes your body to burn up it’s own energy reserves to fuel your increased physical output.  What’s that quote you say?  When you go into overdrive, you are more than a man?”

“Nah doc, you got it wrong.  It’s:  ‘I’m ten times the man.’  I have a pending copyright on that, by the way.”

“Be that as it may, I believe your body is burring up ten times the energy.  The harder you push yourself, the faster your body deteriorates.  Push yourself too hard and you’re going to die, not because of a criminal or ‘super-villain’, but because your body can’t sustain itself in that state.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll just drink some extra Gatorade the next time I’m stopping a world conquering despot.  Now, can I get out of here, or what?”

The doctor filled out some papers and left them on the end table near Max’s bed.  Max checked his cell phone, and found he had several links on his twitter feed, directing him to the Rabbit Hole website.

Max sighed and clicked on the link.  “This should be good.”

The featured video was a heavily edited account of White Rabbit’s visit to town.  Prominently shown were White Rabbit stealing the playground equipment, White Rabbit launching artillery from her battlesuit, and the money shot of Max passing out.  Conveniently missing, was every second of footage where Max was getting the best of White Rabbit.  He closed his eyes and laid back on the bed.

“Man, that bitch sure has a good publicist.  They made me look like a complete tool.”

Max felt a light breeze blow through the room.

“You’d think they’d keep the windows closed.  It’s not like you’d want someone who’s already hospitalized to catch a cold or something.  Morons.”

Max stood up to close the window, but was shocked to see he was no longer alone in the room.  Standing at the foot of his bed was a girl in a skintight red bodysuit with goggles and cat ears, a man in a high-tech suit of armor, and.. two giant frogmen?

“Oh, I get it,” said Max.  “This is the part of the movie where I’m still in a coma, then I wake up and everything is normal.”

“Max Overdrive?” asked the girl in the cat themed catsuit.

“The one and only.”

She extended her hand toward Max.  “We’re here to offer you a chance for redemption.”

Next Issue:  “A day in the life of…”  Come see what White Rabbit, Crimson Cat, Frog-Man, and the rest of the cast do in their down time.  And an “A-List” hero shows up!  Spider something or other?  See you next time!

Down the Rabbit Hole

White Rabbit here again.  Charles just dropped off another pile of mail from my adoring fans.  Lets see what we have this time.  Ah ha, another letter from Meriades Rai.

Great to see more Crimson Cat, and, I swear, I *will* engineer things so that one of the characters in my titles buys her a CatCopter, because yes indeed it would be very cool. Great to see the continued use of YouTube and whatnot and to hear that Lorina is becoming a deserved internet sensation.

What?  Yes, I am the one who is an internet sensation.  I’m the star, but yet again I hear about “Crimson Cat this” and “Crimson Cat that.”  I swear to you, CatCopter or not, the next time I see her I’m going to kill her so the focus comes back to me, where it belongs!

Until next time, happy hopping!