The White Rabbit had always been considered a joke by her peers.  In her first few adventures, all her “hare-brained” schemes had failed.  She was defeated time and time again by heroes like Spider-Man and Frog-Man.  Recently, however, her luck has changed for the better.  She gained an intern and assistant in Charles Liddell (The March Hare).  She became an Internet sensation.  She defeated several heroes including Crimson Cat (Sara Sanderson), Frog-Man (Eugene Patilio), Sonic Boom (Duke McClain), and Max Overdrive (Max Oliver).  As White Rabbit takes time to relax, the disgraced heroes joined together with a common goal.

SHE GENERALLY GAVE HERSELF VERY GOOD ADVICE (THOUGH SHE VERY SELDOM FOLLOWED IT)

By Alexander Ritter

White Rabbit sat at her computer, furiously typing while enjoying a breakfast of deviled kidneys and tea.  Lacking computer savvy, she unleashed a rapid fire succession of single finger taps.

Charles chuckled while he sipped his morning coffee.  “I can’t wait to see how you text once I’ve got you sending tweets.”

White Rabbit looked up with a confused expression.  “Who am I going to be sending twats too?”

“Tweets.  One step at a time.  First, master email and message boards.  Then we’ll upgrade to FacePlace, Twitter, and blogging.”

“I think I’ve learned exceptionally quick.  As we speak, I’m in the process of swindling a Nigerian Prince out of his royal riches!”

“I see I need to teach you about phishing.”

“Fishing, twating, logging… the Internet is a curious place indeed!”  White Rabbit stood up and selected a group of books from her bookcase.  She dumped them in Charles’ lap, almost spilling his coffee.

“What’s this?” asked Charles.

“You’re leading me into the realm of the Internet, I’m sharing the wonderful world of literature.  When’s the last time you actually read a book?”

“Well…” Charles sifted through the books.  “‘The Woman in White’, ‘Pride and Prejudice’, ‘If on a Winter’s Night a Traveller’, and ‘The Way We Live Now’.  I’ve only heard of one of these.”

“I’ve a sudden urge to strike you as hard as possible.  Fear not, Charles!  Under my tutelage, you’ll be a literary authority in no time!”

“Come on down to Stanley Chevrolet, we’ll get you the vehicle you need, today!” exclaimed the overactive owner of Stanly Chevrolet.  “Bad credit?  No credit?  No problem!  One of our financial specialists will get you pre-qualified!  You’ll get the best deal in town because our deals are….”

“…Super!” finished Max Overdrive, smiling into the camera with a cheesy thumbs-up to the viewing audience.

As the film crew wrapped the commercial shoot, Max walked to the edge of the car lot, where Sara Sanderson was waiting.

Max Overdrive was a New Jersey-based local hero, a mutant who could send his body into overdrive, increasing his speed, strength, and agility.  He hid the fact he was mutant, claiming he got his powers from science.  His goal in life was to become a superhero and actor, like Wonder Man.

Sara Sanderson was the New York based vigilante, Crimson Cat.  They both suffered recent humiliation by the villainous White Rabbit.  Afterward, they formed a group with a other heroes to bring White Rabbit to justice.

“Was this really necessary?” asked Sara.  “We could be training with the others right now.”

“You bet this is important!  It’s one more TV credit to my name, one more paycheck in my pocket.  Plus, as part of the deal for being the celebrity spokesperson, they gave me a custom Camaro.”

“You have your own car?”

“Hell yes.  Chicks dig the car.”

Charles Liddell stood back and admired his handiwork.  It had taken two weeks of work from schematics and sketches, to design and development, to finished product.  He had mixed feelings of accomplishment and dismay.

“Arctic Attack Armor,” mumbled Charles, shaking his head.  “What the hell am I doing?”

“You never know when one of our schemes is going to call for us to endure sub arctic temperatures.  It pays to be prepared for any situation.  According to the action figure aisle at Super Mart, all the heroes have ,arctic attack armor!  So I want some, too!”

“Oh for the love of… Spider-Man doesn’t have arctic attack armor!” exclaimed Charles.

White Rabbit looked confused.  “He doesn’t?”

“No! That’s just a gimmick invented by the toy companies to bleed more money out of the collectors!”

“Really?  So now I have an advantage over him!  I just need to somehow lure Spider-Man to the Alps, or Alaska…”

“Just…do me a favor and approve these final designs.”

White Rabbit carefully studied the sketches, and the fully constructed costume that hung on a mannequin.

“As you can see,” explained Charles, “the skis are razor-tipped and rocket-powered.  The poles are weaponized.  One pole can emit an electrified beam from tip, the other has an ionized plasma beam.  Just be careful not to cross the beams.”

“What happens if I cross the beams?”

“Lets just say it would be bad.”

White Rabbit nodded, intently gazing at the costume.

“You don’t like it.  Do you want me to change the design?” asked Charles.

“I just want my Arctic Attack Armor to be menacing.”

“Do you not like the color?  I can make it darker.”

“No, the color’s fine, just make it more menacing!”

“Do you not like the accents?  I can take out all the fur trim, maybe replace it with leather and studs.”

“No, the fur trim is fine.  Just make the whole thing more menacing!  It needs to be about twenty percent more menacing.”

Crimson Cat flipped and dodged, as Frog-Man and Leap-Frog bounced and rebound around her.  Sonic Boom flew overhead, unleashing blasts of compressed air at the trio, trying to knock them down.  Frog-Man ricocheted off the walls at an alarmingly increasing amount of speed, before smashing into Sonic Boom, knocking them both to the street below.

Leap-Frog and Crimson Cat helped the two heroes to their feet.  Leap-Frog examined the power pack on Frog-Man’s back.

“Damn it, Eugene!  Have you been messing with the coil settings again?” demanded his father.

“Awe, come on!  I just cranked the tension up a notch to give me that extra oomph!”

“We saw how well that worked for you, it sent you bouncing out of control!”

Frog-Man shrugged.  “Yeah, but I knocked Sonic Boom out of the sky.  So it ended up working out in the end.”

“I’ve got these settings in a certain spot for a reason, son.  Don’t screw around with them again!”

“Alright Dad, geez!  Do you really gotta do this in front of the rest of the team?! It’s embarrassing!”

Just then, a dark green Camaro with a stylized “M” logo on the hood drove up.  The driver side door opened, and Max Overdrive stepped out.  He leaned against his car and gave the group a thumbs up.  “Looking good, team!”

Crimson Cat frowned.  “You’re late!  We all agreed to meet here at noon.  If that didn’t work for your schedule, you should’ve told us.  We would’ve picked a different time.”

“Hey, I’m not getting paid by the hour,” replied Max.  “Hell, I’m not getting paid at all.”

Sonic Boom grabbed Max by the jacket and slammed him against a wall.  “Listen you little shit, some of us actually give a damn about helping people.  I’m not going to let some showboating glory-hog jeopardize our lives just because he thinks he’s God’s gift to superheroes.  Got it?” Sonic Boom slammed Max into the wall one last time to emphasize his point.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, grandpa.  I’m doing you guys a favor, not the other way around.  Trust me, if I walk, this group fails.  Now are we going to train or what?”  Max glanced over at Frog-Man and smirked.  “Some of us could use the training more than others.”

“Charles, giving you those books gave me an idea!”

“This should be good,” said Charles, more to himself than anything.

“You wanted me to spend time online to connect with our fan base.  I decided to challenge them to read a new book every week, then share their thoughts and ideas.”

“How’s that going?”

“Wonderful!  This first week I picked ‘Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland’.  Most people know the story, but very few have read the actual book!  Most of them would’ve never picked it up without my urging.  Everyone is excited, and now I have people to debate with.  When I read these books as a child, it was a private escape, they made my existence bearable and saved my life.  Now I can share that with others, and they appreciate it!”

“You’re really enjoying this,” observed Charles.

“I’m not sure I’ve ever been this happy,” admitted White Rabbit.  “My mother loathed my obsession with books.  She wanted me to spend less time reading and more time becoming a proper lady.  I had to conceal the fact I was a bibliophile, but now I can display it proudly.  However, there is this one person who infuriates me to no end!”

“Why’s that?” asked Charles.

“All he does is post rude comments in response to everything,” grumbled White Rabbit.  “As a matter of fact, I seriously doubt he’s even read the book.  He’s being mean and disruptive on purpose!”

“Oh, that’s just a troll,” explained Charles.

“I wasn’t aware they had Internet in Asgard.”

“He’s not literally a troll, he’s just a guy who likes being a jerk on the internet, where nobody knows who he is and nobody can confront him face to face.”

“Why is Internet lingo so confusing?”

“Listen, just ignore him.  I’ll ban him for you.”

“I have a better idea,” said White Rabbit, with a maniacal gleam in her eye.

“So this is the Crimson Cat command center that Frog-Face wouldn’t shut up about?  Eugene must be easily impressed.”  Max Overdrive had come to pick up Crimson Cat from her father’s house.  There was a team meeting at Vincent Patillo’s house, Sara had opted to carpool with Max.

Max studied the newspaper clippings plastered on the walls and let out a low whistle.  “Lady, you are obsessed!”

Sara packed her costume and accessories into a gym bag, glancing over at Max.  “Those keep me motivated.  The only thing I see when I’m in my room is White Rabbit.  It inspires me to become better, reminds me she’s a menace that needs to be dealt with.”

“It’s kind of odd.  You have to admit it at least looks crazy.”

“She’s the crazy one! She’s making the world crazy with her!  She’s a villain!  She’s hurt people, tried to kill people, stole things, and caused massive amounts of property damage, yet she’s celebrated!”  Sara pointed at her computer, where the Rabbit Hole website was open on her browser.  “She has fans!  Society’s morals have deteriorated and this is another illustration of that.  People like Eugene, people like me, the heroes of this world should be the ones admired and revered, not villains like her.”

“You do realize your speech didn’t make you sound any less crazy.  Since you want to be an Avenger, let me give you a tip.  Leave that speech out of your job interview.”

“I want to be an Avenger for the right reasons.  The only reason you want to be an Avenger is for the fame and money.  I hate burst your bubble, but they don’t pay as well as you think.”

“Hey, that’s fine.  I’ll just get my money from endorsements and movie roles.  Let me give you a tip, if you want to be an Avenger, lose ten or twenty pounds.  And consider getting a boob job.”

“Excuse me?”

“Have you seen Ms. Marvel?  How about Storm, or Scarlet Witch?  I mean, you’re hot, especially when you’re in costume.  But these Avenger babes are on a whole different level—you don’t measure up.  Let’s go, we don’t want to be late.”

Max exited down the stairway.  Sara frowned and snatched her gym bag, following Max to his car.

Frederick Granderson sat on his toilet, reading a magazine as he went about his business.  Suddenly, the house rumbled as the wall exploded.  When the dust and debris cleared, the side of his house had been incinerated.  Still sitting on the toilet, he tried to cover himself the best he could.

“xXcharger41Xx?”

“Huh?”  Frederick glanced up where the voice was coming from.  He saw White Rabbit descending from the sky, hovering with her boot jets.  She held a smoking rocket launcher, as cameras floated behind her.

“Are you, or are you not, the Internet user known as xXcharger41Xx?” she repeated.  “The same xXcharger41Xx who only visited my website to annoy me, my friends, and my fans?

“Oh my god!”

White Rabbit landed in the bathroom and stood next to Fred.  She pointed toward the cameras.  “I would like you to apologize for your rude behavior.”

Fred put his hands together, begging.  “I…uh… I—I’m sorry!  Please don’t kill me!”

White Rabbit twisted his head to face the cameras.  “Say it to them, not me!”

Fred looked directly into the cameras, his eyes wide with terror.  “I’m sorry!  I’m sorry!”

“See, that wasn’t hard, was it?”  She walked out of the room and onto the lawn, tossing a handful of carrot-shaped explosives over her shoulder.  The blast caused the rest of the house to collapse around Fred.  “Consider yourself banned.”

White Rabbit smiled at the cameras and motioned toward the smoldering ruins of Fred’s house.  “Let that be a lesson, my own little public service announcement.  When you’re online, or anywhere for that matter, always be on your best behavior.  You never know when you may say the wrong thing to a homicidal super villain.”

Jerome and Mark had just broken into an electronic repair shop.  They parked Mark’s van next to the store and planned to load it full of TVs, Blu-Ray players, computers, and whatever else they could pawn or sell to friends.

Mark had just loaded the first stereo, when several shadows blocked the moonlight.  He looked up just in time to see two giant frogs fall from the sky.  Mark yanked a gun from his pants and fired.  The giant frogs rebounded off the walls as Mark fired wildly, missing every time.  He felt something strike him in the chest, knocking him off his feet.  As he stood up, he saw black and red Iron Man style armor standing before him.

Sonic Boom held up his palm, ready to unleash another concussive blast of compressed air.  “Put the gun down, this is your only warning.  You have ten xseconds to compl—”

Mark fired a barrage of bullets, all ricocheting off Sonic Boom’s armor.  Sonic Boom sighed and fired off the air blast, slamming Mark’s head into the back of the van, knocking him unconscious.  Jerome walked out of the store just in time to see his friend hit the ground.  Jerome dropped his stack of DVD players and reached for his gun.  Crimson Cat leapt from her perch on the fire escape, and slashed Jerome’s hand with her claws, making him drop the gun.

“How about you, chump?” she asked, as Jerome held his hand in pain.  “Are you going to do the sensible thing and surrender?”

Behind her stood Frog-Man, Leap-Frog, Sonic Boom, and Max Overdrive.  Jerome put his hands in the air.

“Smart man,” commented Crimson Cat, as she used a zip-tie to bind Jerome’s hands behind his back.

Sirens blared as police and fire trucks arrived on the scene.  Max Overdrive noticed a local news truck.  He smiled and walked away from the group.  “I’ll handle the PR, team.  You guys wrap up things here.”

“Geez, we do all the work, and he gets all the glory!” complained Frog-Man.  “He didn’t even do anything!”

“We’re not doing it for fame,” reminded Leap-Frog.  “We’re both retiring after we take down White Rabbit anyway, remember?”

“I think this test run went smooth,” commented Sonic Boom.  “What do you think, Cat?  Are we ready to move to the main event?”

Crimson Cat had her doubts about Max’s commitment and thought he may be a liability.  She was so desperate and impatient to take down White Rabbit, she brushed her concerns aside.  “Yeah, we’re ready.  Just one more piece of the puzzle to put in place, then we can execute our plan.”

“Did you see the look on his face?” asked Charles.  He was reviewing the finished cut of the video from White Rabbit’s visit to Frederick Granderson’s house.  “See this shot right here?  Where he’s standing in his underwear, with the smoking remains of his house burning all around him?  That’s the money shot!  This cinematography thing gets easier every time.”

White Rabbit giggled.  “It was quite amusing, and satisfying as well.  I doubt anyone will disrupt my book club after that!”

“I’m glad to see you’re getting a chance to express yourself and not be ridiculed for it.  I get the feeling your childhood kind of sucked.  I’m really happy for you, Lorina.”

Charles had no idea what happened, but suddenly he was no longer sitting in front of his laptop.  He was on his back, with White Rabbit on top of him, gripping his throat.

“Lorina, what are you doing?  I can’t breathe…”

The ferocity of the attack stunned Charles, the gleam in her eye made his blood run cold.  There was a burning rage in her eyes, but also an underlying hint of being wounded.

“Charles, my dear,” she said, through gritted teeth, “when the makeup is on, it’s White Rabbit.  Do you understand?”

“Yeah, sorry.”  Charles could barely squeak the words as she crushed his windpipe.  “You’re the boss, White Rabbit.”

She released her grasp and stood up, dusting herself off.  She silently turned and walked off into the Rabbit Hole.  Charles sat on the floor, watching her walk away.

Sara Sanderson, Max Oliver, and Eugene Patilo had gathered for lunch.  The trio sought out an isolated booth so they’ve have some privacy.

“Any of you guys ever thought about having a catch phrase?” asked Max.

“Um… not really,” replied Sara.

“You should think about marketability.  You gotta have something that makes you stand out from the crowd.  Last night I wrote down ideas and I came up with ‘epitome of awesome!’ for myself.  Goddamn, that’s going to look good on a shirt.”

“Eugene’s a giant green frog,” observed Sara, “so I don’t think he’ll have a problem standing out.”

“What about you, babe?  Feline heroines are a dime a dozen.”

Sara felt offended.  “Excuse me?”

“You’re going to spend your career getting mixed up with Black Cat, Hellcat, and maybe Tigra.  There’s nothing about your whole shtick that’s original or memorable.  Just a generic Black Cat knock-off.”

“Whatever.  Suddenly, I’m not hungry anymore.  I’m gong to hit the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”  Sara excused herself, leaving Max and Eugene alone.

“What’s got you in such a good mood, frog face?  You’ve had that stupid grin on your face all day.”

“This is going to be perfect.  We’re going to thwart the bad guy, and I’m going to get the girl.”

Max laughed.  “Dude, she’s not that into you.  She likes the idea that you’re a superhero.  She likes Frog-Man, not Eugene.  If you weren’t Frog-Man, do you think she’d give you the time of day, let alone hang out with you?”

Eugene’s stomach dropped as he realized what Max said was true.  They attended some of the same classes at ESU, but she hadn’t given him a second glance until she found out he was Frog-Man.  Sara returned to the table just in time to see Eugene push the rest of his meal away.  “You know, I lost my appetite too.”

Charles found himself standing atop a mountain with White Rabbit.  He couldn’t remember why they scaled the mountain.  It was part of some scheme, why couldn’t he remember what it was, or how he got up here?  Were they going to steal a yeti?

“Um… what was the plan again?” he asked, nervously glancing down the mountainside.

“Charles,” she said, putting her arm around his shoulder, “I thought you were someone I could trust.  Why did you betray me?”

Charles didn’t like the way the conversation was headed.  “Listen, I want to apologize for goi—”

“How could you break my trust?” she screamed as she shoved Charles as hard as she could, sending him flying off the side of the mountain, hurling toward the earth below.

“Charles!”

Charles opened his eyes and found he was safe and sound in his bed.  His girlfriend, Mary, was shaking him.

“Wake up!” she demanded.  “You’re going to be late.  Knowing your boss, I think being late would be detrimental to your job security.  Remember, ‘off with their heads’ and all that?”  She dragged her thumb across her throat to accentuate the comment.

Charles sat up and rubbed the back of his neck.  “I think I screwed up.”

“Oh no.  What did you do?”

“Yesterday I called her by her real name by mistake.  It completely set her off.  I was scared, I honestly thought she was going to kill me.  I’m not sure I even have a job to go back to.  I’m going to take a day to let her cool down.  I’ll go back tomorrow, if I don’t come home, I guess you’ll know she had me beheaded…”

“This is a stupid idea.”

Everyone turned and glared at Max.

“What?  You don’t think this will work, do you?”

“You know,” began Sonic Boom, “all you’ve done since day one is bitch and moan about everything.  Why are you even here?”

“I was invited, and I’m sure as hell not going to sit back and watch you guys upstage me.  I’m going to be front and center when we finally take down that obnoxious bunny!  Besides, you’ll need me to be the face of the group, I’m the only one that’s remotely photogenic.”

“It’ll work,” assured Leap-Frog.  “We know him, and if he sees it, he’ll show.  This was a good idea, Cat.”

The Crimson Cat smiled.  “Thanks.  I can’t wait to meet him!”

“So if you guys know him,” asked Max, looking at Leap-Frog and Frog-Man, “how come we have to resort to this to try and contact him?”

Max motioned towards a spotlight on the rooftop.  Crimson Cat had spray-painted a spider symbol on the center of the spotlight.  When it shone at the clouds, Spider-Man’s logo was plastered in the sky.

“It’s not like I’ve got his cell phone number, geez!” defended Frog-Man.  “He’s teamed up with us before, and he’s been over to Dad’s house for dinner.”

“Listen to the kid,” came an unknown voice, “he knows what he’s talking about.  Well, this time at least.”  The group turned to see Spider-Man crouched atop a gargoyle.  “So… I take it you wanted to see me?”

Charles cautiously strolled into the Rabbit Hole.  It was eerily quiet, very unnerving.  He found White Rabbit, sitting at the head of the long table they used for tea parties.  She sat alone under the dimmed lights.

“Hey, how are you doing?” he asked.  She didn’t give a response.  “Listen, I just wanted to apologize.  I’m sorry I went behind your back, digging into your past.”

“Curiosity killed the cat, Charles.  Or in this case, maybe it killed the hare?”

“You know, when I first came here, I felt like a prisoner.  I don’t know if it’s Stockholm syndrome or if it’s genuine, but I’d like to think we started to become friends.  You project this over-the-top character, but I’ve seen a different side of you.  When you’re talking about books, when you’re interacting with fans online, when you triumph over a hero, there’s a twinkle in your eye.  There’s something under that facade and I wanted to know what that was.  I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, real or imagined.  I’m sorry.”

White Rabbit took a sip of tea and sat the cup down on the table.  “No, I’m sorry.  My whole life I’ve never had anyone who cared about me.  I spent so much time burying Lorina Dodson, I never thought I’d hear that name again.  You caught me off-guard is all.  You are quite possibly the only friend I’ve ever had, and I don’t want to lose that, either.”

“I have a theory.  Some people think you paint your face, wear the costume, and have these eccentricities as a way of hiding who you are.  I think it’s how you show everyone who you are.  Maybe when you were Lorina, people were disappointed in you or looked down on you for the way you wanted to live your life.  Now, as White Rabbit, you are sharing who you really are and you’re finally being accepted and even embraced for it.

White Rabbit laughed.  “Maybe I was too hasty with giving you the mantel of the March Hare.  Perhaps the Mad Hatter would have been a more fitting moniker, because you wear many hats.  Intern, webmaster, weapons expert, cinematographer, and now psychiatrist.”

“Can I still wear the hat of a friend too?”

White Rabbit used the back of her gloved hand to wipe the makeup off her face.  “Hello Charles.  My name is Lorina, and I’m happy to finally meet you.”

The six assembled heroes sat in Vincent Patilo’s living room, eating pizza.  Spider-Man was the only one still in costume, to protect his identity.  He pulled up the lower half of his mask so he could enjoy the piping hot pepperoni pizza.

“Best pie in Queens!” declared Eugene proudly, as he took a huge bite himself.

Max glanced over at Sara, who was about to grab another slice.  “You think Ms. Marvel would opt for a second slice?”

Sara put the slice of pizza back down and cleared her throat.  “So, as everyone knows, we have a new member to the team, welcome Spider-Man.  I’ve already filled him in on our goal to put White Rabbit behind bars so she can stop polluting the internet with her propaganda.”

“And, you know, keep her from murdering and looting anymore, too,” added Spider-Man.

“Right,” agreed Sara.  “Now I have to warn you, Spider-Man, White Rabbit is much-improved from your previous battles.  You can ask anyone here, she has defeated all of us.”

Spider-Man knew of White Rabbit’s recent exploits.  He was a high school teacher, word of the latest Internet sensation was impossible to avoid.  Spider-Man had never been much of a team player, but he was going to go along with this group for now.  They seemed to have a plan to find and subdue White Rabbit, and Spider-Man figured he’d be able to protect all these rookies and part-time heroes if things started to go south.

“Sounds like you guys have been working hard, and are ready to confront her.  But, do you think you’ll be able to find her?”

Sara smiled.  “She’s going to find us, and I don’t think it’s going to be a problem.”  Sara held up a copy of the local newspaper, featuring an advertisement for a Lewis Carroll exhibit at the local art museum.

“Is that the same museum she hit the first time?” noticed Spider-Man.  “They’re just asking for trouble at this point.”

“This is our chance to end her crime spree before it expands any bigger than it already is.  Who’s with me?”

Sara stuck her hand out.  Eugene and Vincent put their hands in with hers, joined shortly by Max and Duke.  Spider-Man thought about it for a second and then put his hand in as well.  Sara didn’t even try and hide her smile.

“This is the beginning of the end for White Rabbit, there is no way she can overcome the combined might of the SENSATIONAL SIX!!!”